I was going to do a follow up post, to my post yesterday about free will and humanistic thinking, but I ended up having a bit of a rough day and decided to change course, and will get back to that in the near future… This blog is about sharing ideas, but also a bit of a journal of my daily life, which I am especially drawn to write about my days when they are particularly frustrating, a little bit of therapy for me.
I say my mind is on a mission because it is, and it is out of my own hands anymore in a large part. My mind has the goal to turn me into a stress free, dare I say Zen master. I don’t want to complain too much, because I should be feeling pretty good at the end of the road, except for it has been a very long process and can be a bit overbearing at times. I thought it would be a much shorter road, but it has turned into long process spanning over quite a few years, and who knows how many more. I definitely believe in the plasticity of the brain, like I said, just takes longer than I planned, when I first started out, I thought, I am going to be in tip top shape in 6 months. I was in for a rude awakening…
Today was the culmination of a build-up of anxiety and stress… cutting off from the news, putting myself out there with this new endeavor, starting to reach out and make new friends, work has been a little slow for me in my department, which can stress me out because I think I am going to get in trouble or something, also when I share ideas or put myself out there I am constantly expecting to get a negative reaction, not to mention some issues with negative faces lately…
But, my issue today was a problem I suffer with pretty often, but am getting better at managing my emotions, it’s the conflict of the reality that is in my head and then what is presented to me in my current situation. Now, for years, there has seemed a conscious effort by my allies to get me to drive less and less, I think they wish I would just stay home and never leave, they are not a fan of me driving, especially outside of town… in fact that is why I think certain jobs at the shop really slowed down, because they didn’t want to produce the scrap metal that I would have to take back to the junkyard about 20 mins away. It is worth noting, when I use to go fishing all the time, they let me do it for a while because I was pretty stressed and depressed, but then my little brother took the truck one day and the back axle or whatever came off the truck, really messed it up… But, I don’t think they wanted me going on my fishing trips anymore.
So, I have tried to cut back on driving as much as possible to appease people, I don’t ask to deliver parts, I try not to leave town, I tell my friends anymore that I don’t leave the valley, I’ll hang out any time, but it has to be in the valley. I honestly don’t even like driving far or even riding far with anybody else anymore. Which, I have told my parents in a letter.
But, the problem is I do all of that, and it makes me feel good as well that nobody wants me to drive and get hurt… So, then if I get talking about something with my dad at work about needing to pick something up in Syracuse and he says something like, we will have to go get those… or makes mention of having to drive out of town somewhere, it really screws me up because it runs so counter to what I feel I am being told, it actually frustrates me and makes me mad a bit… happened the other day when my dad asked to me to go to somewhere else as well… I personally think it is part of the initiation/bet and perhaps it is even something that can be paid to have me asked, because it is something that frustrates me, also tries to make me feel that I am not that important, not to mention if gives the enemy the chance I will die, then only God knows what will happen. Probably, also a little that it is i the job description a bit, so he may have to ask me for that reason as well.
I think it affected me more today, because it was a culmination of stress and anxiety over the last couple of weeks, finally came to a head. Which, would make me get mad, stressed, want to vent, suicidal thoughts, etc… Instead my brain tried to make me feel like it was going to knock me out, I even heated up a bit and was worried I might have a heat stroke or something… My point being, my mind will take extreme measures that are out of my hand, to make me avoid thinking negative thoughts and wanting to kill myself. Especially when I am going to erupt it can be particularly aggressive like today. I was ready to leave work and just come home and lay down. You probably could write it off as a panic attack, but for me, what is really happening is that forced mindfulness, making me stop thinking negatively and start worrying about not passing out or what have you. Which, I did feel better by the time I left work.
To boot, right after my little panic attack, I got on facebook and the first thing that pops up is a big red truck, which to me, the red means no… meaning, don’t even think of leaving town in the truck to get barrels or for whatever reason.
But, then it is like… how am I supposed to tell my Boss (dad) that I can’t do something work related anymore? I will have to write my parents another letter explaining to them that I wouldn’t like to leave the valley anymore and that I hope it doesn’t affect work, I just need this job for a little over a year more and then I should be able to go to school full time hopefully. It is weird, because I still worry about losing my job or disappointing my dad, even though I am sure if I wasn’t in the initiation/bet, he would just let me stay home and give me money. I get lost in the playing along, it all affects me probably more than it should. It can be so remarkably hard for me to do something like tell my parents I don’t want to leave town anymore, because they have to act like this all isn’t real ya know? I never know exactly what the ramifications of my actions are going to be in accordance with the initiation/bet.
Anyways, it was a rough morning at work and I felt like talking about it, I think I am definitely in need of some meditation and breathing today, not that I don’t try and do it a few times every day. Hopefully this little incident got some of that built up stress and anxiety out of my system.
Looks like I will be writing a letter to my parents this weekend about how I don’t want to drive or ride out of the valley anymore… I feel better writing, I even write my thoughts to my psychiatrist instead of telling her in person.