Fear has radically shaped my life over the years. It has really been one of the central driving forces throughout my life when I look at it. It has shaped my actions and my thoughts. And it has played a crucial story in my God given plan and purpose.
Fear of Death has really helped to keep me in a spiritual place. So much of what I discern about God, death, Heaven, etc is somewhat rooted in fear. A lot of what I share are things that I thought about and came to the conclusion about because I was trying to comfort myself and overcome my own fears about death. I am constantly trying to comfort myself.
I have found that no matter how many facts I end up with, the fear always remains. I have moments where I am completely at peace and know and believe the truth, but that fear always comes creeping back. But, it has probably been the most crucial thing in keeping me alive.
Fear has been a little bit of a super power in the story of my life. I feel one of the main purposes of my life was just to stay alive. And fear of death does a great job of doing that. It reached a point to me, that I feel completely incapable of ever committing suicide. I finally realized I was stuck in this Universe. Which was an important realization that greatly improved my life. I finally thought, If I am not going to ever kill myself, then I really need to change the way I am thinking and living my life. No sense in thinking about or trying to convince yourself to do something that you are incapable of doing. At that point in time, you are just torturing yourself.
Fear of Death and Hypochondria are also the exact opposite of suicidal thinking. So they became an anchor in my mind’s thinking. So much of my thinking about death and hypochondria are just to keep my mind focused on the exact opposite of suicide and a way of avoiding negative thinking.
That fear has been hardwired into my brain. I don’t think it is possible to get rid of it while I am in this dimension. It’s a bit of a catch 22. I so wish I could 100% believe I am going to Heaven, that there wasn’t a doubt in my mind. It is so frustrating to me to not be able to believe 100% what I 100% know. In my mind, it’s almost like if I could 100% believe that that would make Heaven exist. I almost feel by not 100% believing that I am making Heaven not exist. If that makes sense.
It is frustrating to be scared of death, and a little scary. I am obsessed with Life, I absolutely love living, the idea of it all ending is terrifying to me. I would love to get rid of that fear. But, if that fear wasn’t there, I most likely would have left this universe a long time ago. And if I could get rid of it now, there is a good chance I would start down a road of negative thinking again. So, it is a blessing and a curse for sure. I would have to say that it is the best thing for me right now, you almost couldn’t prescribe a better medicine for me while I am in this situation.
And like I was saying before, focusing on this stuff has helped me to learn so much about God & Heaven. That knowledge is some of the best stuff on Earth, it makes me feel so good at times. A medicine in it of itself. I think about it multiple times everyday. Important information in general, world changing really. Definitely meant to happen. I was definitely meant to have this fear of death. Bit of a yin and yang for me, I am in this place where I am constantly trying to get rid of the fear while the fear is playing a crucial role in a multitude of ways. It’s just where I am at mentally.
One of the best parts about it is that it has created this like question loop in my mind that I can never solve. Which actually helps me a lot with boredom. I have come to conclusions about most of the answers that are most important to me in life. And when I find other questions to answer, I feel that I find my answer rather quickly. No questions really sustain me mentally anymore for the most part. But I can get into the overcoming my fear and fear of death loop and think about it all day hehe. It’s probably my favorite thing to think about or at least what I spend most of my time thinking about. Especially while meditating.
That last thing I wanted to touch on with my fear of death, is how it was probably the main reason I never joined the army. In my heart, I always wanted to join, but that fear always kept me from doing it. It is one thing I really wish I could be able to say that I did. I have such a tremendous amount of respect for soldiers and our veterans. I really wanted to be able to say that I am or was one. It was definitely a life goal of mine, but could never overcome the fear in my mind. Would seem that I wasn’t meant to while on my journey here on Earth, God had other plans for me. I think soldiers will also have a certain level of prestige in Heaven and that their service will never be forgotten. I have a feeling that we will always celebrate a veteran’s day in Heaven for all Eternity.
Those are some of the general thoughts about the fear of death in my life though. It has greatly shaped my life and the way I think. A blessing and a curse. You wouldn’t normally think about the fear of death as a superpower, but I feel it might be elevated to that rank in my situation hehe. It has certainly played an important role in my life and I like to think in a lot of other people’s lives as well.
And that’s all I have to say about that…
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