The wall between me and reality,
Feels like the wall between chaos and Heaven on Earth.
The wall feels so thin at times,
Like the surface tension of water.
The wall is only held up by thoughts,
Thoughts so evil that they are incomprehensible.
The wall is stronger than I ever could have imagined,
An enemy possessed.
The wall brings together a stability,
A stability while somewhat good for the world, is unfortunate for me.
The wall may have become a mending wall,
I worry if it will ever be taken down.
The wall was meant to happen,
But was it meant to remain my whole life?
I wrote this while I was feeling a bit hopeless my situation would never end. I started to come out of that mindset and was thinking about changing the poem but decided to leave it as is.
To me, Not working will feel like Heaven, hanging out with friends again will feel like Heaven, Gamble Junkie will feel like Heaven, thinking about many of my ideas actually being used in the world feels like it will bring about a type of Heaven on Earth. I feel like when this situation is over, we will make the best out of the Hell Hole we call Earth.
When I think about this being some sort of mending wall situation, it would imply that the leadership of both sides of this situation are working together now. That doesn’t make much sense, but I worry if it is possible. Is there in fact some set date this is supposed to end? Has the leadership told people the date it is supposed to end? Have evil leaders turned good and now everyone is using this situation to fix the world? Have good leaders turned evil and they are keeping me in this situation?
It has been a mending wall in a Universal (God’s Plan) type of way… but I wonder if Earthly people are extending a situation that should be over, but they view this as a mending opportunity for the world, at my expense.
I have been thinking about going back to work soon. Have been doing some thinking and calculating numbers in my head and came to feel one of the best ideas may be to get a part time job after this semester. It really would be the best thing I could do probably, but then I start thinking about working a regular job again…
When I start thinking about going back to work, I realize how much I am still surviving rather than thriving. It makes me really depressed and stressed thinking about it, even a part time job. I know what stresses me out and how fragile my mind is, it is hard to find a job that already exists that I can comfortably do.
When I think up an idea for myself on how to make money, it is very tailored to me personally. Very tailored to making me feel comfortable. The coffee shop I have been thinking up seems perfect for me in my head. When I think about owning my own coffee shop, I don’t even plan for making minimum wage. That doesn’t matter, I would much rather work 50 hours a week at a job that makes me comfortable than 16 hours at one that does not. Really hoping I can bring the coffee shop idea to fruition and that it can work out.
When I think about working at a normal job again, it makes me start to hope that my situation (Initiation/upbringing/bet) ends again. Being in school again, I have actually started to enjoy life again a bit, but I can only stay in school so long. But thinking about work recently, made me start thinking about my next “hope my situation ends” date…
The next date I am hoping it ends, is my 40th birthday. Seems possible anyways. Not to mention, one time a girl asked me (kind of during all of this), if neither of us is married when we are 40 if I would marry her. That comment made my 40th birthday significant anyways, will be the next day I will be aiming to survive until. Then I just figure I will set my “hope my situation ends” dates in 5-year intervals after that. Eventually a hope date will just be the age of retirement, when I don’t have to work anymore.
I feel like my situation is meant to end while I am still on earth anyways. I feel I am clearly involved in something… a conspiracy theory… an initiation/upbringing/bet… something… Seems logical it was designed to end… Based on what I think I know, I think there is a higher probability it was designed to end, rather than something that I was meant to endure a complete life with old age… This whole thing would be way sicker and demented than I thought, if it was designed to stay with me my whole life… Not that it isn’t already demented… but if it was designed to end, I may not feel so hostile towards people who claim to be on “my side” of things… If it lasted my whole life, I feel like heaven may be a little emptier than I sometimes think it will be…
I can break up my schooling into 2 more years and not have to work during that period if I want to. That puts me to about the age of 39, then I would just have to survive one more year until my next “hope my situation ends” date. I am definitely going to give the coffee shop idea a go, which it may actually happen before I originally planned. If the coffee shop idea actually works, life shouldn’t be too bad. I could then be somewhat comfortable as I survive until each “hope my situation ends” date.
I hate thinking about work… feels like an unavoidable torture just waiting for me… Maybe this coffee shop idea will work out though, a guy can hope anyways…
Easter time is here again. I have been very anxious and hyper the last week or so. At first, I thought it may be about a new opportunity happening in my life, but now I think it is something else. In 2008, 13 years ago, around this time is when my life started to get really crazy. I was starting to have some wild thoughts the week or so leading up to easter, but the night before Easter felt like a real turning point. That night I felt like I was drugged in the bar, maybe I was, maybe I wasn’t. Either way, the next morning is when my brain really opened up to new thoughts. The flood gates of thoughts were open, which kicked off a very wild journey.
That next week I didn’t even go into work, I didn’t think I needed to go to work, I was entering into a new world in my head, I was discovering I wasn’t who I thought I was. I basically just hung out on my friend’s couch for a week, just in deep thought, occasionally browsing the internet. I was expecting something to happen, I wasn’t sure exactly what, but part of my feeling was that people would provide for me in a way that I wouldn’t have to work anymore. At the end of that first week, my family approached me and asked me to go to the hospital, where I signed myself into the behavioral science unit for a week. It was an interesting experience in there to say the least. Some old thoughts are coming back to me now as I write.
I write that to say that Easter became very significant in my head. As my schizophrenia developed and my capability to work diminished, I started to get really stressed out. Work felt like hell to put it one way, like I was being punished. It really felt more like I was being attacked by outside forces. One of my biggest goals for 13 years has been to find a way to not have to work, or at least find a job that I could do very comfortably. Work really makes me suicidal, like I am fighting for my life. To make me work, is to make me feel like I am fighting for my life every day. Its cruel and unusual punishment from my point of view, feels like the people and society that are making me work are attacking me and trying to make me kill myself. Its hell, it is what I call the initiation/bet/upbringing I feel I am in. I feel I have done many things that would get me out of having to work. I even feel like many people would gladly donate money to not have me work. I have to work, because of the initiation/bet/upbringing.
So, having to work, I was very depressed and suicidal for many years. We’re talking, thinking about suicide almost every day for a long period. It was a horrible existence. I felt the only solution was for this initiation/bet/upbringing to finally be over. I felt completely reliant on this situation being over. I would come to feel it was going to end on my birthday, new year’s, easter, or some other possible significant date that I could think up in my head. Setting different dates I thought it would end helped me survive, but also made me very stressed/depressed/anxious/angry/etc… I was constantly going back and forth in my mind if it would really end or not, excited one hour and then depressed the next thinking it wouldn’t end. A significant date would come and go, and I would set my sights on the next one, hoping it would bring my situation to an end, it was the little hope I was holding on to, to get me through.
Easter was also one of the most significant ones in my mind, one of the dates I would hold out great hope for. Like I said previously, while it provided hope, these dates were a great source of stress for me and also caused a great deal of depression when they came and went. I developed a lot of very bad mental habits around these dates. Bad habits that got ingrained in my brain.
Anymore I am starting to get to a point where I don’t rely on these dates for hope in order to survive. I am actually getting to a point where I am almost comfortable with the idea of surviving even if this initiation/bet/upbringing never ends. Hopefully it ends though, I would still say that I am more surviving these days rather than thriving. The thing is, that many of the bad mental habits I developed don’t seem to want to go away as easily as I would like. On a plus note, they are mainly getting pushed out of my consciousness and into my subconscious, but they still affect me though.
So, that is why I think I have been so anxious lately, just some old Easter season bad thought habits dying hard. It hasn’t been too bad though; I haven’t even had too many really depressive thoughts and I am also a little excited about some other things happening in my life. I have been channeling my energy probably the best way I can right now.
Which is why I decided to write today, just hyper the last few days, needed to have a little writing therapy session. Normally while school is in session, I don’t really have the energy to work on my blog, but I am certainly full of energy today. Will be happy when Easter day officially comes and goes, and my mind can move on. I am hoping I made some mental progress this Easter season though and that the next one will come and go even more smoothly.
That’s about it for today I suppose… good place to stop. I hope everyone has a good Easter!
It feels like I have nothing to do in some ways, feels like all responsibilities have been delegated… I wonder if that is part of my boredom and lethargy….
I am also in a position where I feel like I don’t want to rock the boat at all… I would probably like to say more things that are on my mind, but I hold back. I generally hold back most political type thoughts when writing. I don’t engage the soap opera in that way…
In my opinion, pretty much everyone I know agrees with a lot of my thoughts… but everyone must stay in character, everyone has their soap opera persona in that regard. They also must stick to that persona and can’t break it, no matter what I do really.
It just leaves me in a position where I don’t have many outlets… I can have some conversations, but I never feel like I am talking. There are so many rules to conversations with most everyone, rules that if broken can tarnish the relationship. It can feel like a lonely place when you feel like you aren’t talking that often, just playing by the rules. I have one friend I can talk with, but we don’t get together too often or have too many texting conversations. Leaves a bit of a void in my life I suppose. I feel like a social animal that needs to be social, sometimes more often than other times.
I don’t really like tarnishing relationships… I like the idea of being friends with everyone, well most everyone. I feel myself a bit of a liaison. I also like being there for other people when they need someone to talk to, and you can’t be there to talk to someone if you went and tarnished the relationship earlier. I suppose I feel like a natural therapist in some ways, just naturally kind of live my life that way. I more look for the things I can agree on with people and start from there. I listen and watch and figure out the rules of the conversation and the relationship… if I want to be friends with this person, these are the rules I must follow.
It is particularly frustrating, because I know people don’t have as many rules as they do, they are just staying in character… I have broken the fourth wall of the soap opera in some ways, yet I am still stuck in it… for instance, no one can even acknowledge I have broken the fourth wall, although their silence often speaks volumes… When imagining the Truman Show movie, imagine after all he went through and realized, they managed to keep him locked in the bubble and just kept right on acting, not even acknowledging it ever again. The therapists even, still trying to make him believe it is all real. That is how it can feel sometimes… it is pretty insane… pretty frustrating… can be depressing at times…
My bubble is earth… this is worldwide… no escaping Seahaven island… no borders… 100% stuck in my situation until this upbringing/initiation/bet is over or I die…
I have been reflecting about how isolated I was meant to feel… If you have been following along, you know I think I basically have my own Truman Show type of situation going on, The World is watching… I am living in a live action Soap Opera… Living in a bubble… I am very used to living with this mentality, it is just how I think anymore… This blog post will be seen by like the entire world in my mind…
But then I have been thinking about how I have 30 likes and 30 followers, how my blog has an extremely low number of views. I think about how I have sold 2 copies of one of my books and zero of the other… How the last like 13 years I have tried multiple ways to reach out to the world and those around me… According to statistics and the world presented to me, almost nobody has heard my story and I am rather isolated in that regard…
I just can’t believe that though… the world presented to me is so illogical in my opinion… It is just so crazy to me that I haven’t even made a dent in the world presented to me… I haven’t even made a dent in my immediate world…
It is a bit of a demoralizing feeling in all reality, to feel that much coordination and power against you…
Just been thinking about that a bit recently…
I have decided I am going to open a little coffee shop after I finish school, I think I have a pretty good plan for one…
I am going to commit to the belief that it is going to work out and try to be excited and optimistic. I am going to stay positive in order to get through the next couple years of school. I don’t want to fall into the negative thinking roller coaster of thinking it is going to work out one day and then think it is not going to work out the next. I am really going to go for it. I think by being in a good mindset, it will give me a chance to keep recovering from my depression. I feel like if I have a good two years, even if the coffee shop doesn’t work out, I should be in a better place mentally. So, I am going to have to push past my learned helplessness mentality I have fallen into and just commit to the idea that the coffee shop will work. It is one of the only mindsets that makes me feel good about the future… it feels like it is either think this way or fall into depressive thinking…
I am hopeful for other reasons as well… normally my ideas fall on deaf ears, they are just blown off or put into the category of a hobby or something. I am normally essentially told something is not going to work out, but I try and make myself believe it will anyways. But in this instance, I have gotten positive feedback, people telling me it may be the right idea for me, a friend of mine even wanting to open it with me. It is certainly different in that regard, will make it easier to convince myself it will work for the next couple years.
So, the next couple years may not be too bad… it really is about getting into the right mindset for me…