The Greater Grievance of Life on Earth…

I found a small lump in my palm yesterday… under the pinky and ring finger area. A couple nights before I felt like I jammed or sprained my pinky finger while I was sleeping, which the pain went away by that night… I started looking up knot in hand and bump in palm and all signs seemed to point to Dupuytren’s contracture. Which could definitely make sense given another issue I have, but won’t mention here today. To make it worse, when I was looking up information, they seemed to say it is pretty rare to get it before you are like 45 and those that get it early normally have a more severe case of it.

I thought, dang, there goes my hands in the future. Maybe not gone, but very limited once it really starts to sets in. I of course sat there last night thinking, why? I thought, man, God gave it to me pretty good with my situation, mental conditions, and other conditions… Now I am going to have like permanent hand problems once this stuff sets in?

I thought man, this will make it really hard to fully enjoy doing things I love doing. I was thinking, even if my situation ends, anymore I have issues piling up that are going to limit my enjoyment when this is all over. I was thinking, what the heck? Why not give me more of a break in this lifetime and let me enjoy it more, especially after everything I have been through and am going through. I was thinking, I am not feeling like I am going to be very rewarded in this lifetime for everything I have been through.

I thought about it and thought about it… then I thought, well it is for a reason… and I started to feel like it was meant to continue to keep me grounded in this lifetime, to remind me that our lives here are a life of service and that this lifetime isn’t meant for extreme care free enjoyment. “For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many” (Mathew 20:28).

I thought, Man, I can’t enjoy a drink or a little bit of ganja anymore because of my mental condition, my knees are kind of going on my already, my hands are apparently going on me, having some other physical issues that are a bit more private, pretty bad anxiety, schizophrenia, etc… I am certainly not meant to fully enjoy this life and get my party on here ya know?

I have been given a taste of the potential of Life… but I have been made to stay grounded in this lifetime and treat it as a life of service. I am sure by example in many ways…

I am made to dream of Heaven, and to learn to truly believe that it exists and to look forward to it… To realize that is where the true celebration lies… To suffer here in many ways, but to find ways to find happiness through it… I find ways not just for me, but perhaps even more to help others that suffer and to help future generations.

I have been going through grief in some ways for many years… I grieve that this lifetime isn’t meant for enjoyment for the most part. I grieve that my dreams can’t all come true here and that I must look to Heaven out of necessity. I grieve that I must learn to truly believe and accept a life of service here. I grieve because I see my life continuing to be limited here. I grieve because part of me still says, what if Heaven isn’t real? What if I never get to have the fun I really want to have.

I am at the acceptance portion of grief for sure… I need to truly accept many things and to truly believe in Heaven… Only then will I be over this grief and enjoy my life to the fullest here… Part of the grief process of life is truly believing in Heaven in my opinion, only then can we let go of many of our griefs and the much greater grief of life…

We grieve things in life… but life itself here must also be grieved… When we finally grieve life, we can let go of many of our other grievances within this life…

We should try to live a life of service here… then enjoy an eternity of Celebration…

Even now I sit here and am thinking during this stressful week, wondering if my situation will end this Easter… thinking if it doesn’t, then I guess it must be important that I am going to college while under these conditions… I must continue to serve…

You would think realizing that I may have Dupuytren’s contracture would make me more depressed… but it is almost more mentally freeing in some ways… God is forcing me to finish the grieving process of life here, and to get through it while I am young as well… He is making me and others see that this life is meant to be a life of service… to also share this message… we are here for a purpose and to carry out a plan…

This universe is clearly not meant to be where society will forever live and thrive… it shows us the potential of life though, and it can show us the promise of the life in Heaven…

I think I will stop here for today although I feel I could probably go on…

 

(Disclaimer): I may not have Dupuytren’s Contracture and have just fallen down the googling your symptoms rabbit hole… Even my symptom (Small Bump in Palm) may be something that has always been there and I just finally noticed. Doesn’t help that I am a little bit of a hypochondriac. I still like what I wrote either way, helped inspire me…

This Corona Virus Pandemic put through The Schizophrenic Filter…

This corona virus like everything else gets put through my schizophrenic filter and enters into my own unique world... 

Like I have said before my unique world is locked in anymore, I can’t turn back, I have come too far mentally. In my head I am currently involved in an initiation that also turned into a bet against evil organizations and people to see if I would kill myself and not survive it. It is essentially an initiation to be King of the World anymore… It involves royal families, mafia’s, countries, families, powerful organizations, etc... Pretty much everyone is involved in some shape or form anymore. 

I have told quite a few people about my thoughts and ideas. I of course even have this public blog and have written a couple books that explain my beliefs. I have told psychiatrists, family members, and friends alike. I have sent out postcards for my website and have even paid for advertisements. I once even went to the emergency room to try and get admitted to the mental hospital telling them I was suicidal and gave them a copy of my book “why I think I am God’s son: realist or madman”, only to be turned away… I tweet quite a bit about thoughts and ideas… Nobody ever has anything to say to me about it, not even one internet troll… Many years of this… I am fully locked in now and nothing can change my mind anymore… To me, it would be completely illogical to not believe what I believe… 

I start off with these statements, because the thoughts I am about to share are rather profound… How could someone come to feel they are in such a massive conspiracy? Built such aunbelievable and airtight world inside their head? To believe all of this without a doubt in their mind all while living such a seemingly mundane life? These beliefs are what I truly believe, the world I live in everyday… 

I am not quite sure what to make of this corona virus pandemic, whether to believe it or not… It almost seems like they are trying to tell me something else altogether… One of my current beliefs about it, is that it is indeed all fake. Part of me wants to believe that they are signaling an end to my ordeal is near, that it will end on Easter. It is almost like the end is near and they are taking precautions for whatever may happen, even preparing for a possible war or for some bad actors to do some bad things. They are letting me know in a unique way that we are preparing for this to be over soon and want me to just stay home and away from people until this over. They almost seem worried like someone might do something to me before we get to the end. It’s an all hands-on deck situation, preparing for worst possible outcomes. This would be the best possible belief I hold about this situation, that the end of my ordeal is near at hand, to end on Easter. The President seems to mention Easter a lot even though opening everything up on Easter would be pretty illogical in this corona virus pandemic world view. Easter is also one of the occasions I believe that my situation might possibly end on… I believe it may end on Easter, My Birthday, or on New Year’s Day. 

Which brings me to my second belief, that this is all a ruse to make me excited my situation will end, only to then disappoint me when the day comes and goes with no change. These holidays were always some of my most depressing and suicidal times. Every day leading up to them wondering if my ordeal would end. One day excited, the next mad and depressed thinking it was going to come and go. I also think they always did things around these times to put me through that roller coaster, maximizing the pain around those holidays, hoping I would want to kill myself. I was so depressed years ago that the holidays were my lifeline, counting down the days until they came, hoping my situation would end and I would be happy again. The thing is that now I am pretty happy in general, even within my current situation, even planning out a life that I think could be somewhat enjoyable even if it never does end. My enemies may be really desperate right now, they are running out of ways and money to make me suicidal. I wouldn’t be surprised if this was all a ruse for them to try and get me all depressed again. As outlandish as that would all have to be considering what is going on. Such a massive ruse that everyone is helping out with, world leaders and all… Nobody in the world doesn’t know what is going on anymore… except maybe some hidden tribes or something in the jungle… 

Third, maybe this corona virus thing is all real… Maybe that is why my friend asked me to hang out weeks ago when he was sick, which I later got sick. Maybe they wanted to infect me before this all got potentially really out of hand and I may not be able to get a bed or something if I needed it. Maybe there really is this really big pandemic going on… which of course I will continue to act like there is just in case… Something like that Dean Koontz book having a Wuhan virus in it can make me so skeptical though, they may have even said the date in the book as well. Things like that always feel like little hints that they want me to know it is all fake. 

Maybe it is some sort of amalgamation of all three things… That all three things are present… That it is real, but people are trying to use the opportunity to make me as depressed as possible like always. Maybe they worry more for my safety around these holidays when they are worried something might happen, maybe there has been some credible threats made or something… I don’t know. I do know that anytime I have left the house recently I have seen a cop, even off duty cops at the store… I definitely think that people want me to stay home regardless of the situation and that there may be some sort of security risk. I even see cops drive by the house when I go into the kitchen to eat… Maybe all part of the ruse… Maybe all an effort to really keep me at home and even have found a way to even make me a little scarred to go out, not to mention shut down anywhere I might go, or make them too busy and make me not want to go, or only open at times I wouldn’t want to go. 

I am trying to only go to the local store once a week or have a family member pick up things… I only have to go to the hospital one more time to get my medicine before Easter… That should be the most that I leave… I am trying to play along even if I am not sure I believe it, I have went though many years of this stuff now, not much I tend to believe in regards to my situation ending, certainly a level of learned helplessness going on there, as well as protecting my mental wellbeing. 

This is the World I live in inside my head though… It is a wild world for sure… Always living in some World Altering conspiracy theory… It is all I know anymore and there is no possible way of turning back mentally now… 

My year of recovery seems to be on the right track…

The year of recovery before I head back to school seems to be going well. I feel like I am making strides mentally… 

I feel like I have run out of big things to think about though, and that is taking some adjustment… I think it is going to involve a little neuroplasticity that might take a while. Most of my childhood and young adulthood I didn’t really give much thought to anything, never had any opinions about anything, and just didn’t know where I stood on anything… I just kind of watched and listened to everyone and tried to have as much fun as possible… 

Then once I started trying to figure things out, my mind just went into over drive… I would figure out my answer to the question and then move on to the next big question… For the last 12 years, I was constantly in deep thought, but now I feel like I have answered all the big questions for the most part… I keep searching for new big questions to solve within my capacity and can’t really find much of anything, nothing really does it for me anymore… 

My mind is adjusting to not being in deep thought all of the time… I am quite bored frankly… not that I don’t have things to do, my mind just isn’t that capable of doing them right now. I am at an in between place mentally right now… I want to start enjoying more movies and video games and things like that, but my mind is still searching for the next question to answer… I can’t help but searching free online college courses and things like that to see if something there will give me my fix… I keep going through my thoughts to see if there is another big blog post idea in me… 

Video games and movies kind of exhaust my mind a bit right now, because it runs counter intuitive to what my mind wants to do. Video games, movies, and things like that are a very mindful activities where you are hyper focused on the present moment a bit and shutting off your brain off in some ways. It is hard for me to go longer than a half hour, it really is fighting against my mind a bit. After I have exhausted myself mentally trying to watch a movie or play games, and at the same time I can’t find the next big question to solve, some days I just end up in this weird in between mental place where I am not really in the mood to do anything… I end up just looking forward to meal times and things like that, that pass the day for me a bit… I look forward to when I am finally tired and ready to go to bed and start my next day, I very much look forward to my morning coffee… These days can be a little stressful sometimes and I find myself a little edgy, especially in the mornings… They can be a bit of a blur as well… 

I think this is all good though, in the long run… I got to keep fighting this battle and try and play more video games and watch more movies… I don’t think I am going to start a free college course, and am going to try and stop searching for the next big question… 

I like to try and believe that I can eventually get back to my mindset before all of this started… I think I can… hopefully be mentally and physically relaxed… Very anxious right now… 

I think the year of recovery is going good though, and that I am making progress… I look forward to starting back to college though, although I might feel a little too dependent on it right now, I am anxious to start and have some new big questions asked! I just keep searching for questions right now, definitely in problem solving mode currently, need to be more in an enjoying the ride mindset… 

Think I just wanted to hear myself talk a little bit today and write something, a little therapeutic and a bit of a mental release… 

I think that Big Picture, I am probably on the right track… just have to push through this phase and let my mind learn to adjust… 

I hope you are all doing well! Your hard work is appreciated, life is tough here on Earth! 

Evolved into Biological computers…

I tweeted about this one day and am not sure how original of a thought it is… Haven’t heard about it in any science classes yet, but I also don’t study evolution as a major… But I have heard questions posed as to things like, how does a bird just know how to make a nest? Why do turtles when they are born automatically know to make a run for the water? 

There only seems so many logical possibilities… one would be that we can pass on memories to our offspring, another that perhaps all animals are guided by some spiritual guidance, or my personal favorite is that animals and beings are born with certain mental paths that allow us to interpret the environment a certain way. 

I think even ideas and mental paths can be evolved into animals and ourselves. That many animals are essentially little computers with so many primary functions. That each species evolved to interpret the environment certain ways, to look at certain objects and come to the same ideas about them. 

We as humans are much more removed from this and rely on enculturation to survive, but we still all do certain things the same in certain regards to interpreting our environment… we put things into categories, we use schemes… if you study psychology you will find they’re our many ways we all tend to interpret the environment in the same ways. 

It really seems the most logical thought, I don’t know how else a bird just comes into this world knowing how to make a nest or know that certain things are food and others not, among many other things that animals naturally do. 

It is certainly a bit mind blowing to think that mental paths and ideas can be formed through evolution like that. Makes us all into biological computers a little bit, but it also allows us to think the way we do, otherwise we would be even more of a mental mess than we already are. 

I still wonder if there isn’t some spiritual guidance in animals though… I still can’t wrap my head around how a bird can fly halfway across the country and find the same pond every year, unless of course they have like a super intelligence in that regard. But to not even miss flying one way or another by a degree is pretty nuts, especially taking in nights and weather conditions... seems something else is at play… maybe not though… 

Some interesting thoughts though… 

Time to throw in the Towel on my Art Venture…

A little bit of a sad day yesterday… finally decided to throw in the towel trying to sell or even give away my art via my own methods. I shut down my little small business enterprise and will no longer try and sell crafts at all. 

It has been years and a bit of a mini money pit as I have tried various means of selling and marketing my art… Just doesn’t look like there is any chance of it working out in any form. I have had about one friend in the last 7 years I have hung out with, I am surprised how much I expected it to work out, wishful thinking I guess… It would seem almost any sort of popularity is out of the question… at least that is what it is looking like. They really are doing their best to make me feel as secluded as possible… 

I think any sales or interest I had over the years was solely to get my hopes up in order to make it worse when it didn’t work out each time… It is probably just best to get off the roller coaster and accept that there is no chance that painting will work out in any form… 

What I plan to do, is just start donating my paintings to the Salvation Army… Hopefully I don’t get a call someday that they would no longer like me to drop them off… Wouldn’t surprise me at all though… If that happened, then I would just have to paint and throw one away as I finished the next one… I don’t plan to stop painting anyways… 

I believe they make it out into the world either way… Like even when the flood happened and a bunch of my paintings got hit by it, part of me believes people already made copies and put them in my house, that the originals are still out there somewhere… 

A little sad and depressing for sure… “C’est la vie” I guess… 

Can’t get a fair deal in this World…

I feel like I can’t play a fair game of poker… whether for money or for free… 

I feel it has to do with multiple aspects of this initiation/bet I am in… 1, I can’t seem to do anything that might prove I am exceptionally smart… 2, I think it is also perceived as a way someone could gift me money in a way, if people I was playing were to lose pots on purpose to me… 

Either way, I think I am definitely screwed in regard to poker and that the odds will always be stacked against me, beyond that, losing will be programmed in… 

Like last night, I decided to try out a free site… I can’t help but feel that people are trying to communicate with me through the usernames and the hands I get. In my mind when I get a hand like Jack/2, I think it might mean something like Jack sh*t, as in I am screwed. I know I am bound to get that hand eventually statistically, but it gets put into interesting places when I am down different trains of thought. For instance, it was the last hand I got yesterday in a ring game and the first one I got when I got on this morning… I definitely feel it is just letting me know that I am screwed. 

I felt I kept getting signs there is no chance I will get to play a fair game yesterday, but I didn’t want to believe it… kept telling myself, these hands are all bound to happen eventually… then getting Jack/2 my firsthand today kind of sealed the deal… 

To even start going down that line of thinking that the game is fixed, just ruins it anyways… I just have to accept that I will never get a fair game while I am in my situation… 

Definitely a bit depressing as I love playing poker… but if I keep playing, there is literally no upside to it whatsoever… I just need to completely accept it as an unchangeable fact while I am in this situation… I have definitely come at it from many different angles to no avail… 

C’est la vie… 

The perceived world, and the world I see in front of me…

It is quite the mental acrobatics I go through on a daily basis… which I know I have talked about this before, but I am in the mood to talk about it again… so here I go… 

There is the perceived world and the world I see in front of me… I really have made it into a big soap opera that I live through every day in a way. I don’t believe much of anything… the only thing I really believe is when I see or read about natural disasters, but even then, I sometimes even wonder when footage was taken or something of that nature… Maybe they still want me to believe we are not making any headway on the environment and climate change… 

Everyone is an actor in my life… I just walk through a play that keeps me in the illusion…  

But every day I learn to live and walk through the play better… 

I watch hours of the News (Soap Opera) everyday… it is my favorite program… I can talk and discuss about everything as if I don’t perceive it as a soap opera, but I perceive it as a soap opera enough to not get worked up about anything anymore… I am happy I have gotten to that point, because I really enjoy the news and being caught up on current events… it is a very interactive soap opera indeed… even when I started to really believe it was all fake, I still had a really hard time not getting worked up about things… Part of the reason, is because I think people watch me, so if it is something bad, people would expect me to be mad or stop watching it… I was very conflicted as I was trying to settle into the idea of being more comfortable not having the news have any big effects on me… I didn’t want people to think my morals or righteousness changed at all… as well as I had to make myself truly believe it is just a big soap opera for an audience of one… 

Part of me wants to stop this blog and everything as I further progress into my chosen profession of becoming a therapist… Who would want advice from someone living in their own world? 

I think some people would, especially if I more just specialize in general anxiety and depression, things I suffered very badly from and pulled myself out of… They are things I deal with every day and have learned to manage pretty well; I enjoy my life for the most part… I might enjoy it more helping people with their problems… 

It isn’t as much that my possible delusions come from not understanding people and not being able to help them… they come in large part from caring about people too much… I can’t live in a world full of injustice and suffering… After trying everything I could to make the world a better place to no avail, I had to create a better world inside my head, otherwise I am not sure I would survive… I tried everything I could do within my power, I saw no effect on the world whatsoever, for the most part… 

Part of me even wants to keep the title “The Eclectic Schizophrenic” into my private practice someday… Just own it… Not try to hide anything… I think it would still draw a certain crowd… I even thought I might do something different when I open up my place someday, have interviews with possible clients, an interview that goes both ways, deciding if we are the right fit for each other before making financial investments. 

I think I am on the right path anyways… just have to make the grades and stay on the path now… 

Don’t really know where I wanted to go with this blog post today… I think I was just more in the mood to write… been a while… 

Hope everyone is doing well and having a good Holiday Season!