Lowering the bar in my head…

I have been reluctant to take this Blog in a personal journey direction. I tend to feel it is something people don’t want to hear too much about. This was going to be my big idea blog for the most part, I had so many big ideas and thoughts in my head, I just didn’t realize they would run out. I feel like a lot of my best work is behind me now… I was setting the bar so high in my head that I didn’t want to dare post something that didn’t match my standards… Big Ideas or Bust… So, I ended up going long periods without posting anything. 

I threw my big ideas out there and got nothing back in return… at least not in this soap opera I live in and walk through every day. I was hoping there might be some loophole in the rules. I thought maybe this blog would go viral and send me on a wild journey. I thought maybe I may start selling some paintings or books or something… maybe get enough viewers to get some advertising or something. I was hoping perhaps some newspaper would hire me for syndication or something… something anyways… instead most days I don’t even get one view on this website. Part of me still holds out hope something may come of it someday, does not look likely. It certainly would be against my better judgment to get overly excited about this blog again. 

So, why not just share more of my personal journey and just enjoy writing and put some thoughts out there from time to time? I still do it for the audience in my head… the billions of people in my head that read this and follow my life… my Truman Show… I can still enjoy it from that angle. I still imagine what everybody thinks of what I write, and look for other feedback through my various means… I feel very connected to the World although I live in relative isolation… My life is still rather exciting in my head… I sometimes imagine how exciting but unexciting a movie about my life would be. I spend most of my time sitting in a chair and at home, I haven’t left my valley in at least a year… yet I think it would be such an exciting movie on a mental level, to see the world in my head coinciding with my mundane life… I feel like people are telling me at times that I can’t even imagine what is happening outside of the soap opera I live in… 

I think I am going to lower my mental bar for what I write about anymore… Stop worrying about losing one of my few followers because of what I write or don’t write… I hold on to my few followers like they are my last dollars… Just going to write… may even start doing just some short posts as well, just some short thoughts or updates. Just going to go with the flow and enjoy… let some thoughts fly. 

I have been living too much in the future recently…

I have been living too much in the future recently, I feel the future. I travel to the future in my mind and feel pain and depression that does not exist yet or may not ever even exist… 

Depression hit me pretty hard this New Year’s… I am almost embarrassed by some of the thoughts that come out of me and that I go on to share. I think it helps me to survive though, sometimes you just want to feel like you are being heard. Plus, I just find my blogging rather therapeutic in many ways. So, thanks for sticking around through some of the craziness. Trying to get my mind back under control, I was actually doing rather well right up until about New Year’s Day and then it was like my mind couldn’t hold back my negative thoughts anymore, it sure did try though. 

When I am really depressed the thought of working just feels so unbearable… Then my brain starts looking for when I will have to work next and how to avoid it. It’s also some old bad mental habits just dying hard.  

I just started hyper focusing on my life after I get done with school and when I must re-enter the workforce. School can be stressful, but it doesn’t compare to other forms of labor. Like I have said before, sometimes brushing my teeth can be exhausting and I rather dread having to vacuum once a week. So, I was just panicking about working again. That is a bit of an aha moment honestly, that when I am depressed, I jump right to thinking about work. I could start thinking of some mental tricks to help me next time it hits me really hard again. That is one of that last really depressive thought lines I still have. I no longer really get depressed or stressed about my past, I just get depressed thinking about my future when I am depressed. 

When I really think about it, I shouldn’t be too depressed about work in the future. I will figure something out. Not to mention, there is a good chance I will be in a better place mentally by then if I keep working on myself. I have been thinking about how I probably will still only need to work 3 hours a day or so when I get done with school, because I don’t have many expenses. I feel like there is a good chance I will find some employer looking for someone that only wants to work a little part time. I think I will be alright when I really think about it, just have to trust that things will work out. And who knows, maybe I will get some chance to make my little coffee shop or something else may come a long. This needs to be like my mantra for the next couple years and for when I fall back into little depressive periods. 

Hopefully now I can get back to the present moment. Will have to start being more mindful throughout the days for sure. I have to go back to being deliberate in my mindfulness… 

“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”…

I am not really sure what I think will come of this Blog anymore… Where I think it will go or how I will make money from it. I have a hard time imagining I will ever get enough daily views to be able to get enough from advertising to pay my monthly costs of living… I suppose I hope maybe some people might pay me to make art or I will start selling some books or something. I guess I will just see where it goes and adjust accordingly if things ever change. It is more just a hobby at this point, and that is probably the best perspective to take. I hate getting my hopes up about things to then have them come crashing down, best to get in the right mindset.  

Part of me hopes one day I am going to wake up some morning and see that it has went viral or something although that is quite the pipe dream… that would probably be the most optimal, what a wild ride that would be. 

It is still a fun hobby even if I don’t get many if any views… if you know my beliefs, practically the whole world is already reading this and enjoying my posts and art. Although I think most everyone is mad that I am in this situation… There is just this great barrier between me and the real world, this upbringing/initiation/bet I am in… I just have to imagine what the world thinks of my work in a way, plus I get some feedback through various other means. I just receive no compensation for my efforts. 

I am positive I have worked out the logic to prove the existence of God… to me that is Nobel Prize winning stuff… surely something that would be shared or go viral… I literally haven’t heard one thing about it yet. I heard a little about my first article “A case for God”, but have heard nothing about my subsequent posts. It just doesn’t make logical sense at all to me that my blog posts aren’t shared, it has to be something else. It can be pretty depressive honestly. I still find it so hard to believe some of the rules of my situation that “my side” agreed to, supposedly good people. It is all just so insane; I have a hard time understanding the rules in general. It’s almost impossible for me to ever feel and live comfortably within the rules, very frustrating. Like I like to say at times, if I had a magic button that would take me to Heaven, I would have been gone a long time ago. As it stands, I have an unbelievably strong will to live here… dare I say unfortunately… 

Part of me still hopes in a way that if I can’t succeed on being smart… that some other angle is still marketable… can I succeed being the Schizophrenic Artist? Can I succeed on Pity? Can I succeed being the Schizophrenic living in his own crazy world and people find it fascinating? Not looking too good though, I have gone down this path before… this is most likely some last remnants of wishful thinking on my part… Especially considering I was denied disability, that wasn’t a good sign for many different angles… 

I think I am essentially required to do some labor no matter how much it pains me… I was thinking about that a lot today. Hopefully if I have to, I may be able to find some part time work that isn’t too hard on me after I finish school… which is still two years away… that is just how much I fear work though for the most part, that I am so worried about it two years away and unable to enjoy being in the present moment… 

Been a bit of a depressive New Years, so that is probably another reason why I am clinging to the hope of something coming from this blog and my art. When I am depressed and imagine working, it’s a bit of a nightmare. I don’t know why I haven’t given up hope on this blog and my art yet honestly, I have been trying to make this work for about a decade now in various forms, each time with similar results… 

I decided to even make a Facebook ad again… probably a waste of money like usual… but for a dollar a day, I suppose there is some chance of something working out… I have no way of knowing for sure what the rules of my situation are or how they may change… maybe both sides will agree to some new crazy story line for my life or something… 

The dollar a day in advertising at least signifies the potential of something different everyday… a new person it could reach, a new potential story line. I was kind of doing the same thing every day and hoping things would change… which there is of course that famous quote, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”. Which, considering my history in chasing down this pipe dream, I may have already entered into the insanity territory despite trying to advertise again… 

This post just turned into quite the rant, one of those days I guess… 

A new draft system for professional sports teams…

A while back I had an idea for restructuring sports teams and the draft to make teams consistently more fair year after year… 

The idea is that every so many years, let’s say 3 to 5, every player gets put back into a draft and teams pick their players. A little like the old playground days when we were younger. Then in-between you would still have the normal draft every year. 

The pay scale could be based off when players get picked in the draft. I am not exactly sure how you would handle trading in between major drafts, but I am sure the league could think of something. 

I just think this would make teams much fairer and would make for much better competition as well. Plus, you could avoid when players collaborate to make super teams and the like. 

Seems a logical way to do things… my opinion anyways, something to think about. 

Nothing ventured, nothing gained…

I am somewhat comfortable these days, but my comfort feels like it is on a limited timeline. For the next couple years I will be in school, and I enjoy school in some ways, although I wish I was only taking one class a semester. I like school enough, and feel it is important enough to my well-being, that I was planning on taking a class every semester even if I got disability. It is a bit of a happy place for me, and I think that my brain was trained in a way for school. It was all my brain really knew for 20 something years. And, being a very habitual person that requires routine, and believing I have autism, I just think my brain is wired for school and that it helps with my overall mental well-being. 

So, the next couple years will be pretty good, except for already worrying about what I will do when I get done with school. I am very scared to have to try and do a normal job again. Like I have discussed before, stress is very bad for me. When I have to work and when I get stressed, I get rather severe depression and all that goes along with it. I don’t just feel like I have depression though, to me it feels like I am under attack. It feels like people are trying to make me kill myself. It can just take me to a dark place mentally. It turns into a horrible existence. Managing my stress level has become a very important part of my life. Also, there isn’t much grey area to my moods, I am either like the happiest person in the world or one of the most depressed people in the world. It’s tough for sure. Looking back over my life, I see how I have actually been like that my whole life, but I was rather good at avoiding stress most my life. My condition has also gotten much worse in general though. When I was younger, I never really felt like I had a disability or anything. Now I truly feel like a bit of a mental patient and that I have a disability. It is very much a part of everyday life. 

So, where am I going with this conversation? The comfort level and the impending end of this comfortable situation… 

Mentally, I am in an alright place right now and I don’t want to disturb that. But I have to start making some moves to hopefully provide myself with a comfortable lifestyle in the future. I would love if this Blog and making my art was somewhat successful. I really don’t need too much to live comfortably, I am a rather simple person in that way. I find joy in many of the simple pleasures in life. 

The thing is, if I want the blog to be successful, I will need to start promoting it and sharing it more. This could disrupt my current comfort level. I worry about what my friends and family might think or say. What will happen when I invite more people into my world? Will friends think I am crazy and not want to hang out with me anymore? Will family make comments that upset me or make me feel embarrassed or ashamed? What might I have to go through? Who knows what might happen? Perhaps not much, in the past when I branched out, nothing much came of it.  

I originally thought my story and all my ideas would spread like wildfire and that I would be successful, but that did not happen. I am not sure how successful I will become or how fast it will happen. The thing I worry about more in some ways is disrupting my current lifestyle and making it worse. Although I have learned to fly solo pretty well over the years. It was not easy, especially being a very social person. The last year or so has been the best of the last decade or so, finally talking and hanging out with a couple people pretty regularly. Guess I am just afraid of losing that potentially. 

I have to give this Blog a real chance though if I would like to live comfortably and happily in the future. Will have to put myself out there and invite more people in. Thinking of sharing a post to my Facebook Family & Friends in the near future and starting to advertise a bit. Have to go for it, like I said, I feel like my current comfort is on a limited timeline if I don’t make some moves. 

Nothing ventured, nothing gained…  

A Case for God…

For us to exist, there must be something that has always existed. You hear the age-old argument: well, if there is a God, where did he come from? Well, if you continue to ask that question, well then, where did that come from? Next answer, then where did that come from? It would be an absolutely endless question with no beginning.

So, you conclude that it must have started somewhere. But, now you have something that started it, but didn’t come from anywhere and has no beginning. Thus, concluding, that for us to exist, there must be something that has always existed, and that there is actually no beginning of time.

Now you take that logical undeniable truth and we can conclude that we are actually in a different dimension and that at least 2 dimensions exist, or that we live in a dimension with no time (base state of existence), but the big bang created a sense of time by setting in motion perpetual motion.

Because…

In a dimension that has no beginning of time, it is not that it doesn’t have an endless past, it is that it doesn’t have a past or a future. It is just in a state of existence. Your mind’s memory only perceives a future and a past.

In a state of existence (or as I like to call, “base state of existence”), you can only alter the pre-sent, the only time you live in. So, anything you create cannot fade because no time passes. So, the fact is we live in a dimension where all things fade (it only takes one); we can’t live in the base state of existence. But the base state of existence must exist.

Thus, concluding that there are at least 2 different dimensions.

Or, we could live in the base state of existence, and the big bang has created “time” within a section of our dimension.

Now…

The base state of existence is the foundation of existence… and within it, because no time passes, it is always in the present tense—there is no past or future. Technically, nothing should function in the base state of existence because there is no catalyst. In life as we know it, energy is the catalyst of life.

I would argue that anything that could function without time, and that always existed, would be God. So, either energy is God or a creation of God. I personally argue for the latter.

Interesting thing to think about… If we are in a different dimension, you might wonder what could even cause energy to function. In an alternate dimension other than the base state of existence, time may be a catalyst. If you think of time like a waterfall that powers a power plant, we may flow through time, or time may flow through us, creating friction and causing energy to function…

Some fun things to think about anyways!

Season’s Greetings… My Christmas Card to Everyone

I don’t really have many, if any people to send a Christmas Card to. So, I thought it would be fun to do one as a Blog post. Plus, I kind of let my thoughts fly on the blog, not sure I would do that sending it to family & friends. Will make a blog post to the world, including family and friends, but won’t do a traditional Christmas card in that fashion… Perhaps I am worried about the response I might get or something. I think one of these days soon though I may show my logic on why God exists to a friend and see if they are allowed to deny it or see what happens… then ask a question like, would the person that Proves God exists win a Nobel Prize or some kind of award or something? Perhaps get at least one comment about it from someone? Then conclude the conversation with… so can one other person on this planet acknowledge that I am screwed then? It would be interesting to find out where that conversation would go… perhaps in the very near future… If people just play it off like it is common knowledge or something, I might ask why we aren’t teaching it in school or why I haven’t heard of it before?… would think it would be a major part of every religion that preaches God’s existence… Rather than saying, believe in God, they could say it is a logical fact that God exists… 

Anyways… So, these cards will normally talk about what the person has been up to this year correct? 

I started back to school this fall after a little hiatus after seeing if some other things might work out. School has been going well and I have been enjoying classes for the most part. Was a little fried by the end of the semester, so winter break is going to be nice. I really like being in sociology, as it really clicks with the way my brain works a lot. I like to consider it a modern-day philosophy in a way or an amalgamation of many of the liberal arts fields. My mental health has been making a lot of improvements. While I still very much feel like a mental health patient, and truly feel the schizophrenia (and autism I believe), I am much less depressed and my overall thinking is much better. I don’t have many depressive thoughts and enjoy life for the most part currently. I still have some days here and there and occasionally a week, but I do feel like my old self in some ways, which is nice. 

I got back into Everquest 2 recently, which has been nice. Helps keep me busy, I like having my little avatar in an alternate universe. It can really feel like a home away from home at times. I tend to really immerse myself in the game and play it a bit like the sims. My game life can be much more exciting than my real life at times and with much more to do. Plus, something like working in the game, feels completely different than work in real life. I am not sure how to explain it, real life work tends to really stress me out and isn’t good, but working in the game feels like the right amount of work and helps me feel good and somewhat productive. I feel like I put in a good day’s work in the game sometimes if that makes sense, and without compromising my mental health which is very nice. So, getting back into eq2 has been good. 

I still have the news on all day for the most part, I try to watch all the different networks. Can feel like changing channels between worlds sometimes, that’s for sure. Hard to believe everyone is living on the same planet. I honestly still don’t really believe a lot of what I see in the news, still think it is like an elaborate soap opera in a lot of ways. That is generally how I watch it, like a soap opera, although it can be hard to not get sucked in a little sometimes. I do think sometimes we tackle important issues along the way though, even if it is made up for the most part. Not even sure what I still think about this whole Covid-19 thing. Don’t get me wrong, I still treat it like its real and wear my mask and everything, will get the vaccine when it becomes available. I still comment on events and things to my friend like it’s all real. But I can’t at times wonder if it isn’t all still some elaborate hoax for a viewing audience of one. Just some things really make me wonder. It’s interesting in my head, feeling like I am living in an interactive soap opera for the most part. Everyone in the world acting, from my family and friends to my fellow citizens I see on TV. 

I just can’t believe it is all real… to go back to the first paragraph, I know I proved God’s existence… I literally haven’t heard one comment about it since, in my mind that would be world altering information. So, those two things can’t coexist in my mind that way. I can’t have done something world altering and then not seen the world altered in any way at all, not even my immediate world. In my head it all has to be this interactive soap opera I am in. My thoughts haven’t changed much at all in that regard… still think I am on camera 24/7, still think everything is wiretapped or bugged, think all my school work is shared, still think I am interacting with people I see on the news and other live television, etc… think I am known by the whole world and am just still in this initiation/bet or whatever… living in my interactive soap opera where most everything is staged… I am just waking up and walking through a play every day… Am I crazy to think that it is weird that no one has shared this blog or my books or anything? Based on everything I have ever seen; many would have eaten all this up for sure… but instead it is crickets… 

Tis a wild life for sure… still trying to strive though… 

One last thing… I did a degree plan for school in which I talked about my goals and such and what I wanted to do with my degree, etc… one of the things I talked about was using my degree to have a successful blog, write articles, opinion pieces, books, etc… So, my mentor has put into my degree plan writing for new media, another similar class, and blogging… I found this interesting and somewhat hopeful… I sometimes tend to believe some of the rules of my situation are that I can only really do things that I achieved the “right way” or you might call it the “hard way”… to say that if I was going to be good at business, I would have to graduate with a business degree… The world would never be able to admit that I am smart or gifted… I wonder if I have to always follow certain channels that many have to do… all part of my crazy agreed upon upbringing in my insane situation… So, I am kind of hoping if I graduate and take these classes, if I follow what they say to the T in a way, if I may be able to succeed in those areas… Perhaps I can have a successful sociology blog if I graduate with a degree in sociology and take blogging classes? Maybe anyways… A little bit of hope… There may be other rules about not being popular and things like that, I don’t know… It is all so insane… 

That’s where I am at these days anyways. A key takeaway is that I am rather happy these days, so that is good. Sorry if you are not happy right now and hope you are soon. Didn’t want to rub it anyone’s face right now or anything, especially with people “losing their jobs” and all the other “covid-19” related issues… among all other life struggles… but I was very depressed for many years, so that is big for me… Plus with my condition, there really isn’t any in-between… I am either like the happiest person on the planet or one of the most depressed people on the planet… 

Anyways, Guess I will end it here… 

Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas!