The World of Chess inside my head…

The world of chess is interesting in my mind… part of the excitement of my mind, how I can create an exciting world in a more seemingly mundane situation… I have never studied chess, a very casual player, and have not played that often in relation to regular players. But in my head, I sometimes think I am a really good player, maybe even one of the best in the world. 

I just always felt like people were trying to tell me I am exceptionally good in the indirect fashion that I have grown accustom to, telling me I am playing better people than I think, or that the computer opponent I am facing is better than I think. I once even convinced myself that I beat the best players in the world. I think people have told me that I have kind of turned the chess world on its head. 

In a world with computers and modern technology… if this were all true, it could still be fairly easy to make me think I am not that good… that is just how good computers are at chess now… they can go beyond just a computer beating the world’s best, they can make levels and degrees in which the computer wins… I honestly could almost never know who or what I am playing… A 1200 ELO might be a grandmaster or a grandmaster level computer in my world… 

This could be true anyways… I do think I am a savant and that I see the world much differently than other people. Maybe the game does come rather easily to me… I have no idea. I just know what I think people have been trying to tell me. Which regardless of the truth, has made for an exciting chess world inside my head… every game often feels so big… I feel like people are very interested in watching my games… sometimes I win a game and when see people faces in public, they look so excited. 

Clearly in my situation, my intelligence is supposed to remain hidden from me… proof of God’s existence is sitting right there… So, if I was really good, they would try to keep it hidden from me as much as possible, and considering I have never studied chess or anything, they would try to keep it somewhat low… Heck, even if I studied every day, they probably still wouldn’t let me climb very high up the ladder. 

That’s a dive into my mind though… The chess world is very exciting in my mind, and I think I am a big player in the game… I lost to a 1291 ELO player on chess.com today, but I felt like they were telling me the person or computer I was playing was colossus. They say that most players that play on chess.com don’t win too high above half their games, so I am not sure how often I will play on there, unless of course I decide to get used to losing. I have a tough time losing too much though… just who I am. Maybe I will though, the daily games kind of take off some of the pressure in my opinion. Then when I just need some fun wins for a while, I can always go back to playing the computer levels I have grown accustomed to. Good to challenge yourself occasionally, though. 

Not trying to brag or anything, just giving you a look into my mind. That I have fun sharing my thoughts. My life can be pretty exciting at times for sure, whether real or imagined. One of the perks of my condition I suppose. I can create and jump into an exciting world if I want to, even if it doesn’t look that exciting from the outside. It honestly helps me survive and get through this life, helps keep me alive. I need fun and excitement in my life. 

Do you fear going to sleep at night?

Do you fear going to sleep at night? Then why fear death (transfer) so much? Do you not trust you will wake up in the morning? 

Most even look forward to going to bed, to get a good night’s sleep, start a new day and feel refreshed and rested. We should all strive to think of death (transfer) with so much enthusiasm. 

To go to bed tonight and wake up tomorrow is to experience death (transfer). 

Did you ever fall asleep in the car and wake up in your bed? Did your parents not move you in your sleep much like God Will? 

A poem… “The Wall”

The Wall 

The wall between me and reality, 

Feels like the wall between chaos and Heaven on Earth. 

The wall feels so thin at times, 

Like the surface tension of water. 

The wall is only held up by thoughts, 

Thoughts so evil that they are incomprehensible. 

The wall is stronger than I ever could have imagined, 

An enemy possessed. 

The wall brings together a stability, 

A stability while somewhat good for the world, is unfortunate for me. 

The wall may have become a mending wall, 

I worry if it will ever be taken down. 

The wall was meant to happen, 

But was it meant to remain my whole life? 

.

.

Notes:  

I wrote this while I was feeling a bit hopeless my situation would never end. I started to come out of that mindset and was thinking about changing the poem but decided to leave it as is. 

To me, Not working will feel like Heaven, hanging out with friends again will feel like Heaven, Gamble Junkie will feel like Heaven, thinking about many of my ideas actually being used in the world feels like it will bring about a type of Heaven on Earth. I feel like when this situation is over, we will make the best out of the Hell Hole we call Earth. 

When I think about this being some sort of mending wall situation, it would imply that the leadership of both sides of this situation are working together now. That doesn’t make much sense, but I worry if it is possible. Is there in fact some set date this is supposed to end? Has the leadership told people the date it is supposed to end? Have evil leaders turned good and now everyone is using this situation to fix the world? Have good leaders turned evil and they are keeping me in this situation? 

It has been a mending wall in a Universal (God’s Plan) type of way… but I wonder if Earthly people are extending a situation that should be over, but they view this as a mending opportunity for the world, at my expense. 

“Hope my situation ends” dates…

I have been thinking about going back to work soon. Have been doing some thinking and calculating numbers in my head and came to feel one of the best ideas may be to get a part time job after this semester. It really would be the best thing I could do probably, but then I start thinking about working a regular job again… 

When I start thinking about going back to work, I realize how much I am still surviving rather than thriving. It makes me really depressed and stressed thinking about it, even a part time job. I know what stresses me out and how fragile my mind is, it is hard to find a job that already exists that I can comfortably do.  

When I think up an idea for myself on how to make money, it is very tailored to me personally. Very tailored to making me feel comfortable. The coffee shop I have been thinking up seems perfect for me in my head. When I think about owning my own coffee shop, I don’t even plan for making minimum wage. That doesn’t matter, I would much rather work 50 hours a week at a job that makes me comfortable than 16 hours at one that does not. Really hoping I can bring the coffee shop idea to fruition and that it can work out. 

When I think about working at a normal job again, it makes me start to hope that my situation (Initiation/upbringing/bet) ends again. Being in school again, I have actually started to enjoy life again a bit, but I can only stay in school so long. But thinking about work recently, made me start thinking about my next “hope my situation ends” date… 

The next date I am hoping it ends, is my 40th birthday. Seems possible anyways. Not to mention, one time a girl asked me (kind of during all of this), if neither of us is married when we are 40 if I would marry her. That comment made my 40th birthday significant anyways, will be the next day I will be aiming to survive until. Then I just figure I will set my “hope my situation ends” dates in 5-year intervals after that. Eventually a hope date will just be the age of retirement, when I don’t have to work anymore. 

I feel like my situation is meant to end while I am still on earth anyways. I feel I am clearly involved in something… a conspiracy theory… an initiation/upbringing/bet… something… Seems logical it was designed to end… Based on what I think I know, I think there is a higher probability it was designed to end, rather than something that I was meant to endure a complete life with old age… This whole thing would be way sicker and demented than I thought, if it was designed to stay with me my whole life… Not that it isn’t already demented… but if it was designed to end, I may not feel so hostile towards people who claim to be on “my side” of things… If it lasted my whole life, I feel like heaven may be a little emptier than I sometimes think it will be… 

I can break up my schooling into 2 more years and not have to work during that period if I want to. That puts me to about the age of 39, then I would just have to survive one more year until my next “hope my situation ends” date. I am definitely going to give the coffee shop idea a go, which it may actually happen before I originally planned. If the coffee shop idea actually works, life shouldn’t be too bad. I could then be somewhat comfortable as I survive until each “hope my situation ends” date. 

I hate thinking about work… feels like an unavoidable torture just waiting for me… Maybe this coffee shop idea will work out though, a guy can hope anyways… 

A little Easter writing therapy session…

Easter time is here again. I have been very anxious and hyper the last week or so. At first, I thought it may be about a new opportunity happening in my life, but now I think it is something else. In 2008, 13 years ago, around this time is when my life started to get really crazy. I was starting to have some wild thoughts the week or so leading up to easter, but the night before Easter felt like a real turning point. That night I felt like I was drugged in the bar, maybe I was, maybe I wasn’t. Either way, the next morning is when my brain really opened up to new thoughts. The flood gates of thoughts were open, which kicked off a very wild journey.

That next week I didn’t even go into work, I didn’t think I needed to go to work, I was entering into a new world in my head, I was discovering I wasn’t who I thought I was. I basically just hung out on my friend’s couch for a week, just in deep thought, occasionally browsing the internet. I was expecting something to happen, I wasn’t sure exactly what, but part of my feeling was that people would provide for me in a way that I wouldn’t have to work anymore. At the end of that first week, my family approached me and asked me to go to the hospital, where I signed myself into the behavioral science unit for a week. It was an interesting experience in there to say the least. Some old thoughts are coming back to me now as I write. 

I write that to say that Easter became very significant in my head. As my schizophrenia developed and my capability to work diminished, I started to get really stressed out. Work felt like hell to put it one way, like I was being punished. It really felt more like I was being attacked by outside forces. One of my biggest goals for 13 years has been to find a way to not have to work, or at least find a job that I could do very comfortably. Work really makes me suicidal, like I am fighting for my life. To make me work, is to make me feel like I am fighting for my life every day. Its cruel and unusual punishment from my point of view, feels like the people and society that are making me work are attacking me and trying to make me kill myself. Its hell, it is what I call the initiation/bet/upbringing I feel I am in. I feel I have done many things that would get me out of having to work. I even feel like many people would gladly donate money to not have me work. I have to work, because of the initiation/bet/upbringing. 

So, having to work, I was very depressed and suicidal for many years. We’re talking, thinking about suicide almost every day for a long period. It was a horrible existence. I felt the only solution was for this initiation/bet/upbringing to finally be over. I felt completely reliant on this situation being over. I would come to feel it was going to end on my birthday, new year’s, easter, or some other possible significant date that I could think up in my head. Setting different dates I thought it would end helped me survive, but also made me very stressed/depressed/anxious/angry/etc… I was constantly going back and forth in my mind if it would really end or not, excited one hour and then depressed the next thinking it wouldn’t end. A significant date would come and go, and I would set my sights on the next one, hoping it would bring my situation to an end, it was the little hope I was holding on to, to get me through. 

Easter was also one of the most significant ones in my mind, one of the dates I would hold out great hope for. Like I said previously, while it provided hope, these dates were a great source of stress for me and also caused a great deal of depression when they came and went. I developed a lot of very bad mental habits around these dates. Bad habits that got ingrained in my brain. 

Anymore I am starting to get to a point where I don’t rely on these dates for hope in order to survive. I am actually getting to a point where I am almost comfortable with the idea of surviving even if this initiation/bet/upbringing never ends. Hopefully it ends though, I would still say that I am more surviving these days rather than thriving. The thing is, that many of the bad mental habits I developed don’t seem to want to go away as easily as I would like. On a plus note, they are mainly getting pushed out of my consciousness and into my subconscious, but they still affect me though. 

So, that is why I think I have been so anxious lately, just some old Easter season bad thought habits dying hard. It hasn’t been too bad though; I haven’t even had too many really depressive thoughts and I am also a little excited about some other things happening in my life. I have been channeling my energy probably the best way I can right now. 

Which is why I decided to write today, just hyper the last few days, needed to have a little writing therapy session. Normally while school is in session, I don’t really have the energy to work on my blog, but I am certainly full of energy today. Will be happy when Easter day officially comes and goes, and my mind can move on. I am hoping I made some mental progress this Easter season though and that the next one will come and go even more smoothly. 

That’s about it for today I suppose… good place to stop. I hope everyone has a good Easter! 

Breaking the fourth wall, but the show goes on…

It feels like I have nothing to do in some ways, feels like all responsibilities have been delegated… I wonder if that is part of my boredom and lethargy…. 

I am also in a position where I feel like I don’t want to rock the boat at all… I would probably like to say more things that are on my mind, but I hold back. I generally hold back most political type thoughts when writing. I don’t engage the soap opera in that way… 

In my opinion, pretty much everyone I know agrees with a lot of my thoughts… but everyone must stay in character, everyone has their soap opera persona in that regard. They also must stick to that persona and can’t break it, no matter what I do really. 

It just leaves me in a position where I don’t have many outlets… I can have some conversations, but I never feel like I am talking. There are so many rules to conversations with most everyone, rules that if broken can tarnish the relationship. It can feel like a lonely place when you feel like you aren’t talking that often, just playing by the rules. I have one friend I can talk with, but we don’t get together too often or have too many texting conversations. Leaves a bit of a void in my life I suppose. I feel like a social animal that needs to be social, sometimes more often than other times. 

I don’t really like tarnishing relationships… I like the idea of being friends with everyone, well most everyone. I feel myself a bit of a liaison. I also like being there for other people when they need someone to talk to, and you can’t be there to talk to someone if you went and tarnished the relationship earlier. I suppose I feel like a natural therapist in some ways, just naturally kind of live my life that way. I more look for the things I can agree on with people and start from there. I listen and watch and figure out the rules of the conversation and the relationship… if I want to be friends with this person, these are the rules I must follow. 

It is particularly frustrating, because I know people don’t have as many rules as they do, they are just staying in character… I have broken the fourth wall of the soap opera in some ways, yet I am still stuck in it… for instance, no one can even acknowledge I have broken the fourth wall, although their silence often speaks volumes… When imagining the Truman Show movie, imagine after all he went through and realized, they managed to keep him locked in the bubble and just kept right on acting, not even acknowledging it ever again. The therapists even, still trying to make him believe it is all real. That is how it can feel sometimes… it is pretty insane… pretty frustrating… can be depressing at times… 

My bubble is earth… this is worldwide… no escaping Seahaven island… no borders… 100% stuck in my situation until this upbringing/initiation/bet is over or I die…