Breaking the fourth wall, but the show goes on…

It feels like I have nothing to do in some ways, feels like all responsibilities have been delegated… I wonder if that is part of my boredom and lethargy…. 

I am also in a position where I feel like I don’t want to rock the boat at all… I would probably like to say more things that are on my mind, but I hold back. I generally hold back most political type thoughts when writing. I don’t engage the soap opera in that way… 

In my opinion, pretty much everyone I know agrees with a lot of my thoughts… but everyone must stay in character, everyone has their soap opera persona in that regard. They also must stick to that persona and can’t break it, no matter what I do really. 

It just leaves me in a position where I don’t have many outlets… I can have some conversations, but I never feel like I am talking. There are so many rules to conversations with most everyone, rules that if broken can tarnish the relationship. It can feel like a lonely place when you feel like you aren’t talking that often, just playing by the rules. I have one friend I can talk with, but we don’t get together too often or have too many texting conversations. Leaves a bit of a void in my life I suppose. I feel like a social animal that needs to be social, sometimes more often than other times. 

I don’t really like tarnishing relationships… I like the idea of being friends with everyone, well most everyone. I feel myself a bit of a liaison. I also like being there for other people when they need someone to talk to, and you can’t be there to talk to someone if you went and tarnished the relationship earlier. I suppose I feel like a natural therapist in some ways, just naturally kind of live my life that way. I more look for the things I can agree on with people and start from there. I listen and watch and figure out the rules of the conversation and the relationship… if I want to be friends with this person, these are the rules I must follow. 

It is particularly frustrating, because I know people don’t have as many rules as they do, they are just staying in character… I have broken the fourth wall of the soap opera in some ways, yet I am still stuck in it… for instance, no one can even acknowledge I have broken the fourth wall, although their silence often speaks volumes… When imagining the Truman Show movie, imagine after all he went through and realized, they managed to keep him locked in the bubble and just kept right on acting, not even acknowledging it ever again. The therapists even, still trying to make him believe it is all real. That is how it can feel sometimes… it is pretty insane… pretty frustrating… can be depressing at times… 

My bubble is earth… this is worldwide… no escaping Seahaven island… no borders… 100% stuck in my situation until this upbringing/initiation/bet is over or I die… 

Not even a dent in my immediate world…

I have been reflecting about how isolated I was meant to feel… If you have been following along, you know I think I basically have my own Truman Show type of situation going on, The World is watching… I am living in a live action Soap Opera… Living in a bubble… I am very used to living with this mentality, it is just how I think anymore… This blog post will be seen by like the entire world in my mind… 

But then I have been thinking about how I have 30 likes and 30 followers, how my blog has an extremely low number of views. I think about how I have sold 2 copies of one of my books and zero of the other… How the last like 13 years I have tried multiple ways to reach out to the world and those around me… According to statistics and the world presented to me, almost nobody has heard my story and I am rather isolated in that regard… 

I just can’t believe that though… the world presented to me is so illogical in my opinion… It is just so crazy to me that I haven’t even made a dent in the world presented to me… I haven’t even made a dent in my immediate world…  

It is a bit of a demoralizing feeling in all reality, to feel that much coordination and power against you… 

Just been thinking about that a bit recently… 

Coffee Shop Goals and Mental Well Being…

I have decided I am going to open a little coffee shop after I finish school, I think I have a pretty good plan for one… 

I am going to commit to the belief that it is going to work out and try to be excited and optimistic. I am going to stay positive in order to get through the next couple years of school. I don’t want to fall into the negative thinking roller coaster of thinking it is going to work out one day and then think it is not going to work out the next. I am really going to go for it. I think by being in a good mindset, it will give me a chance to keep recovering from my depression. I feel like if I have a good two years, even if the coffee shop doesn’t work out, I should be in a better place mentally. So, I am going to have to push past my learned helplessness mentality I have fallen into and just commit to the idea that the coffee shop will work. It is one of the only mindsets that makes me feel good about the future… it feels like it is either think this way or fall into depressive thinking… 

I am hopeful for other reasons as well… normally my ideas fall on deaf ears, they are just blown off or put into the category of a hobby or something. I am normally essentially told something is not going to work out, but I try and make myself believe it will anyways. But in this instance, I have gotten positive feedback, people telling me it may be the right idea for me, a friend of mine even wanting to open it with me. It is certainly different in that regard, will make it easier to convince myself it will work for the next couple years. 

So, the next couple years may not be too bad… it really is about getting into the right mindset for me… 

The Insulated King Theory…

The insulated king theory I have can be a bit depressive when I dwell on it at times, although I tend to find it a bit illogical and quickly go back to other lines of thinking… 

I think this whole new rise of royalty is a rather complex thing, as I see royal families having to have gone underground for a long time in many ways… I won’t dive too much into all of that, rather I say this to say that Royal families have had some ties with the criminal underworld for various reasons, they weren’t exactly living by the laws… not to say that the plan wasn’t eventually to live by the books again, I think this was an ends justify the means type of deal… a necessary evil in their minds… 

I think these families have a different viewpoint for the way the world should function/be… some of these ideas don’t exactly mesh well with traditional American values and ideas. I must admit, I even have some somewhat radical ideas in a way for transforming the country and world. I would certainly like to see some major changes while also preserving many ideas as well. 

I just wonder sometimes if there isn’t a lot more pushback to all of this than I realize… Perhaps a rather large portion of America is rather hostile to the idea of royal families living within the United States and all that entails… Hostile to a lot of their ideas… Hostile to a lot of my ideas… 

I think, what if the “real” American government would love to have me arrested or something… what if they are just sitting there waiting for me to accept just one “money laundered” dollar, or one dollar associated with these families… just waiting for an opportunity to take me down… maybe that’s why no one is allowed to say anything to me directly… I have to have absolutely no knowledge or connection to anything… they are keeping me insulated from persecution under the laws… perhaps there are just teams of lawyers that study laws and make sure I am legally not allowed to be arrested… 

This can be a bit depressive to think about, because it would imply that my situation has no set end date or anything… perhaps I am screwed for my entire life here… what if the world won’t change, and people feel they need to keep protecting me? That I am just stuck in this situation, that this might be as good as it gets… Am I waiting for an upbringing/initiation/bet to end? Or am I waiting for the world to change? Here is this insane life and responsibilities we bestow upon you, and you will never see any benefits from them… get used to it… 

While this is an interesting theory, I find some major holes in. I can understand how selling paintings that aren’t “professional quality” could fall under laundered money potentially… maybe even selling self-published books could fall under this… But what about the logical proof that God exists? Why can’t people I know agree with me? Why wouldn’t that be able to become popular? Why can’t I win a Nobel Prize? Why couldn’t a school give me a scholarship or hire me as a teacher? Why is my intelligence still hidden from me? I don’t see why that would fall under laundered money, would seem very legitimate. Even the business idea of Gamble Junkie should be very legitimate, that is a very good idea. Why can’t I have a sugar momma if she is making her own money and supporting me? Why can’t more people hang out with me? Unless of course all these reasons fall under some guise of strategery, which would open all sorts of other crazy ideas in my head. 

These reasons and other along these lines lead me back to the idea that I am stuck in some sort of upbringing/initiation/bet… There are just too many holes in this theory in my opinion… I am sure you can see the logic of why these thoughts circulate in my head sometimes… But if this were the case, my life would probably already be better now… one of these legitimate ideas would have worked, we would have taken advantage of these loopholes… I would be living a better life… heck, couldn’t we just move me to some other country and have me live my life out there? 

Maybe it is some mix of the two things, and they overlap in some ways… I don’t know… I just know that I am rather screwed either way…  

I wouldn’t be as screwed if I didn’t have schizophrenia and could work like a normal person… but having schizophrenia and being forced to work is a nightmare… 

That is the insulated king theory though… 

I once met a man who thinks he is Jimi Hendrix…

I once met a man who thinks he is Jimi Hendrix… an interesting phenomenon, is that the community accepts him as such. He is a local celebrity. He isn’t exceptionally high functioning outside of that in his life, in fact he may be somewhat homeless. I like that the community is accepting and comfortable with him in his unique reality… we could all probably argue that it is out of his control… He isn’t pretending, it’s not and act, he isn’t doing it for attention, he didn’t just wake up one day and decide he was going to try and convince everyone he is Jimi Hendrix… to say that there is nothing manipulative about his situation… I could understand a community pushing back against someone doing it for ulterior motives… But instead, the community just understands and accepts him as is… 

I suppose that is the type of acceptance I am looking for in some ways… A major difference is that I am rather high functioning and can contemplate my situation and experience metacognition… I just made dean’s list this last semester at college and made president’s list every semester at community college. I do however live in my own unique reality compared to the world around me, which you can read about in my “about me” section. I can’t change my thinking, I am locked in. This is my reality, this is the life I live, I will die thinking this way. 

Me in Jimi Hendrix are the same in many ways… I suppose I wish to flourish in my community in some of the same ways he does, although I am well aware of his limitations. 

I want to live my reality and feel comfortable… I want people to be aware of my reality and be accepting… I don’t like having to feel like I must hide it and live different lives; the life I live in my head and the life I must live to fit in…  

Lowering the bar in my head…

I have been reluctant to take this Blog in a personal journey direction. I tend to feel it is something people don’t want to hear too much about. This was going to be my big idea blog for the most part, I had so many big ideas and thoughts in my head, I just didn’t realize they would run out. I feel like a lot of my best work is behind me now… I was setting the bar so high in my head that I didn’t want to dare post something that didn’t match my standards… Big Ideas or Bust… So, I ended up going long periods without posting anything. 

I threw my big ideas out there and got nothing back in return… at least not in this soap opera I live in and walk through every day. I was hoping there might be some loophole in the rules. I thought maybe this blog would go viral and send me on a wild journey. I thought maybe I may start selling some paintings or books or something… maybe get enough viewers to get some advertising or something. I was hoping perhaps some newspaper would hire me for syndication or something… something anyways… instead most days I don’t even get one view on this website. Part of me still holds out hope something may come of it someday, does not look likely. It certainly would be against my better judgment to get overly excited about this blog again. 

So, why not just share more of my personal journey and just enjoy writing and put some thoughts out there from time to time? I still do it for the audience in my head… the billions of people in my head that read this and follow my life… my Truman Show… I can still enjoy it from that angle. I still imagine what everybody thinks of what I write, and look for other feedback through my various means… I feel very connected to the World although I live in relative isolation… My life is still rather exciting in my head… I sometimes imagine how exciting but unexciting a movie about my life would be. I spend most of my time sitting in a chair and at home, I haven’t left my valley in at least a year… yet I think it would be such an exciting movie on a mental level, to see the world in my head coinciding with my mundane life… I feel like people are telling me at times that I can’t even imagine what is happening outside of the soap opera I live in… 

I think I am going to lower my mental bar for what I write about anymore… Stop worrying about losing one of my few followers because of what I write or don’t write… I hold on to my few followers like they are my last dollars… Just going to write… may even start doing just some short posts as well, just some short thoughts or updates. Just going to go with the flow and enjoy… let some thoughts fly. 

I have been living too much in the future recently…

I have been living too much in the future recently, I feel the future. I travel to the future in my mind and feel pain and depression that does not exist yet or may not ever even exist… 

Depression hit me pretty hard this New Year’s… I am almost embarrassed by some of the thoughts that come out of me and that I go on to share. I think it helps me to survive though, sometimes you just want to feel like you are being heard. Plus, I just find my blogging rather therapeutic in many ways. So, thanks for sticking around through some of the craziness. Trying to get my mind back under control, I was actually doing rather well right up until about New Year’s Day and then it was like my mind couldn’t hold back my negative thoughts anymore, it sure did try though. 

When I am really depressed the thought of working just feels so unbearable… Then my brain starts looking for when I will have to work next and how to avoid it. It’s also some old bad mental habits just dying hard.  

I just started hyper focusing on my life after I get done with school and when I must re-enter the workforce. School can be stressful, but it doesn’t compare to other forms of labor. Like I have said before, sometimes brushing my teeth can be exhausting and I rather dread having to vacuum once a week. So, I was just panicking about working again. That is a bit of an aha moment honestly, that when I am depressed, I jump right to thinking about work. I could start thinking of some mental tricks to help me next time it hits me really hard again. That is one of that last really depressive thought lines I still have. I no longer really get depressed or stressed about my past, I just get depressed thinking about my future when I am depressed. 

When I really think about it, I shouldn’t be too depressed about work in the future. I will figure something out. Not to mention, there is a good chance I will be in a better place mentally by then if I keep working on myself. I have been thinking about how I probably will still only need to work 3 hours a day or so when I get done with school, because I don’t have many expenses. I feel like there is a good chance I will find some employer looking for someone that only wants to work a little part time. I think I will be alright when I really think about it, just have to trust that things will work out. And who knows, maybe I will get some chance to make my little coffee shop or something else may come a long. This needs to be like my mantra for the next couple years and for when I fall back into little depressive periods. 

Hopefully now I can get back to the present moment. Will have to start being more mindful throughout the days for sure. I have to go back to being deliberate in my mindfulness…