Time to throw in the Towel on my Art Venture…

A little bit of a sad day yesterday… finally decided to throw in the towel trying to sell or even give away my art via my own methods. I shut down my little small business enterprise and will no longer try and sell crafts at all. 

It has been years and a bit of a mini money pit as I have tried various means of selling and marketing my art… Just doesn’t look like there is any chance of it working out in any form. I have had about one friend in the last 7 years I have hung out with, I am surprised how much I expected it to work out, wishful thinking I guess… It would seem almost any sort of popularity is out of the question… at least that is what it is looking like. They really are doing their best to make me feel as secluded as possible… 

I think any sales or interest I had over the years was solely to get my hopes up in order to make it worse when it didn’t work out each time… It is probably just best to get off the roller coaster and accept that there is no chance that painting will work out in any form… 

What I plan to do, is just start donating my paintings to the Salvation Army… Hopefully I don’t get a call someday that they would no longer like me to drop them off… Wouldn’t surprise me at all though… If that happened, then I would just have to paint and throw one away as I finished the next one… I don’t plan to stop painting anyways… 

I believe they make it out into the world either way… Like even when the flood happened and a bunch of my paintings got hit by it, part of me believes people already made copies and put them in my house, that the originals are still out there somewhere… 

A little sad and depressing for sure… “C’est la vie” I guess… 

Can’t get a fair deal in this World…

I feel like I can’t play a fair game of poker… whether for money or for free… 

I feel it has to do with multiple aspects of this initiation/bet I am in… 1, I can’t seem to do anything that might prove I am exceptionally smart… 2, I think it is also perceived as a way someone could gift me money in a way, if people I was playing were to lose pots on purpose to me… 

Either way, I think I am definitely screwed in regard to poker and that the odds will always be stacked against me, beyond that, losing will be programmed in… 

Like last night, I decided to try out a free site… I can’t help but feel that people are trying to communicate with me through the usernames and the hands I get. In my mind when I get a hand like Jack/2, I think it might mean something like Jack sh*t, as in I am screwed. I know I am bound to get that hand eventually statistically, but it gets put into interesting places when I am down different trains of thought. For instance, it was the last hand I got yesterday in a ring game and the first one I got when I got on this morning… I definitely feel it is just letting me know that I am screwed. 

I felt I kept getting signs there is no chance I will get to play a fair game yesterday, but I didn’t want to believe it… kept telling myself, these hands are all bound to happen eventually… then getting Jack/2 my firsthand today kind of sealed the deal… 

To even start going down that line of thinking that the game is fixed, just ruins it anyways… I just have to accept that I will never get a fair game while I am in my situation… 

Definitely a bit depressing as I love playing poker… but if I keep playing, there is literally no upside to it whatsoever… I just need to completely accept it as an unchangeable fact while I am in this situation… I have definitely come at it from many different angles to no avail… 

C’est la vie… 

The perceived world, and the world I see in front of me…

It is quite the mental acrobatics I go through on a daily basis… which I know I have talked about this before, but I am in the mood to talk about it again… so here I go… 

There is the perceived world and the world I see in front of me… I really have made it into a big soap opera that I live through every day in a way. I don’t believe much of anything… the only thing I really believe is when I see or read about natural disasters, but even then, I sometimes even wonder when footage was taken or something of that nature… Maybe they still want me to believe we are not making any headway on the environment and climate change… 

Everyone is an actor in my life… I just walk through a play that keeps me in the illusion…  

But every day I learn to live and walk through the play better… 

I watch hours of the News (Soap Opera) everyday… it is my favorite program… I can talk and discuss about everything as if I don’t perceive it as a soap opera, but I perceive it as a soap opera enough to not get worked up about anything anymore… I am happy I have gotten to that point, because I really enjoy the news and being caught up on current events… it is a very interactive soap opera indeed… even when I started to really believe it was all fake, I still had a really hard time not getting worked up about things… Part of the reason, is because I think people watch me, so if it is something bad, people would expect me to be mad or stop watching it… I was very conflicted as I was trying to settle into the idea of being more comfortable not having the news have any big effects on me… I didn’t want people to think my morals or righteousness changed at all… as well as I had to make myself truly believe it is just a big soap opera for an audience of one… 

Part of me wants to stop this blog and everything as I further progress into my chosen profession of becoming a therapist… Who would want advice from someone living in their own world? 

I think some people would, especially if I more just specialize in general anxiety and depression, things I suffered very badly from and pulled myself out of… They are things I deal with every day and have learned to manage pretty well; I enjoy my life for the most part… I might enjoy it more helping people with their problems… 

It isn’t as much that my possible delusions come from not understanding people and not being able to help them… they come in large part from caring about people too much… I can’t live in a world full of injustice and suffering… After trying everything I could to make the world a better place to no avail, I had to create a better world inside my head, otherwise I am not sure I would survive… I tried everything I could do within my power, I saw no effect on the world whatsoever, for the most part… 

Part of me even wants to keep the title “The Eclectic Schizophrenic” into my private practice someday… Just own it… Not try to hide anything… I think it would still draw a certain crowd… I even thought I might do something different when I open up my place someday, have interviews with possible clients, an interview that goes both ways, deciding if we are the right fit for each other before making financial investments. 

I think I am on the right path anyways… just have to make the grades and stay on the path now… 

Don’t really know where I wanted to go with this blog post today… I think I was just more in the mood to write… been a while… 

Hope everyone is doing well and having a good Holiday Season! 

A way to heighten the solo chess experience…

I don’t know how many of you play chess, but I felt I would share my recent experience with a game called Chess Ultra and a play style I developed to make it a bit more fun in my opinion. You could also do this with many different Chess software applications, including free ones.

I like to play the CPU… which Chess Ultra has 10 different levels… I found a level I felt challenging for me and started a competition… I decided to play a 12-game series against the CPU, just like the World Championship… I play one game a day until a victor arises… Then if I win, I get to put my little Current Champion Trophy (Picture in Frame) up in my room… If I lose, I am going to make a little article with the headline “CPU Wins” that I have to leave up…

For one month after the last game I can’t compete for the Championship again, win or lose… Then after a month, The Championship opens up… If I am the current champion and I don’t begin a new championship within two weeks I have to take down my trophy and put in its place that my title has been forfeited…

Then of course if I start getting better, I will eventually try and play a harder CPU level for the Championship… If I get worse, I will go down a level… I personally decided to have my Trophy reflect what level CPU I beat, but the articles and things if I lose, I will probably keep generic.

I just felt this was a fun way to heighten my Chess playing experience and felt some others might enjoy it as well… If you know me, I enjoy finding ways to make solo activities still competitive and as much fun as possible. My first championship was fun, competitive and I felt a heightened desire to win because of this set up. I also look forward to continuing the tradition.

Felt I would share anyways… perhaps someone else might enjoy a similar play style!

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Logically speaking… I don’t think it’s possible for God to die.

I am rather positive that God can’t die… Logically, if you have always existed, then your life must be infinite… God’s very existence in the Base state of existence would logically imply that he can’t die… You can’t always have existed if you could die, it is a closed infinity loop of life… if God could die, he would never exist, Life would never exist, we would never exist… To live for a second is to have lived endlessly… 

God has no half-life… 

God must exist in a state that renders him immortal… there couldn’t be any timeline or possibility in which he died that could exist… He has ALWAYS existed… 

Back from Hiatus…

Making a little bit of a comeback after taking a bit of a break… Which I think I have made some mental health strides and gotten some things in order… Hopefully have the next 5 or 6 years lined up for the time being… 

Recently got accepted back to college starting next fall… will be taking Human Development (Psychology)… which then I am hoping to keep the good grades rolling and get into graduate school. I will be taking online classes and have even found out there are a lot of online graduate options for mental health counseling… you take classes online but they set up your  practicum and other mandatory hours at a location near where you live… pretty sweet… hopefully things work out… have the path lined up, now I just need to walk down it… will be nice keeping the homestead as my home base, I would have felt horrible leaving the animals as well! 

Basically have just been trying to relax and maintain a more constant general happiness… been going well… little set back with an illness I picked up, caused me to miss a lot of sleep which I think has made me a little edgy lately… other than that, going well… I am usually pretty happy… 

Recently bought a Nintendo switch to help keep me busy until next fall… pretty dang sweet, they really created something special in my opinion… neat to see the evolution over the years leading to this console… pretty happy with the games I have chosen so far… also liking a lot of the different options and how there are new deals every week and new games being made all the time ranging from more hallmark style games to more app style games that can be purchased pretty cheap… I will prolly talk about games from time to time as I am usually inspired by things under my current attention… 

Want to start watching and reviewing movies again as well… currently have amazon and Netflix subscriptions I would like to make good use of… looking forward to the new Netflix Christmas Movie coming out! I personally like to review the movies as well, gives me more incentive to watch movies and makes me feel a little bit more engaged with the world… just not as fun when you have to keep thoughts to yourself all the time, especially when you are a social person… could argue it helps give me a sense of purpose as well… 

I plan to blog, but it probably won’t be under a set schedule this time… just write when I feel like it or I have something to say… 

Will probably start tweeting a bit more as well about random thoughts… 

Just in the mood to be more engaged again for at least a while… 

Hope everyone is doing well, and I look forward to sharing thoughts with you once again! 

Here we go… 

Time for a little break…

Think I might take a week or two off from posting… I will however probably finish the book club this week, it’s the last chapter and then will take a break from that as well. It may actually prove difficult to find another book I can write along with so easily without compromising any of its contents and break any sort of fair use clause… I am actually a bit amazed with how well the book club went, right book at the right time I suppose, almost like it was meant to happen 

Just a culmination of things right now… going through a little bout of depression/stress at the moment as well… I made many steps forward before this little step back though, so that is good… this too shall pass, hopefully pretty quick I was a bit surprised by some of my old thoughts that re-surfaced this time around, not completely out of the woods yet I guess…  

Just not too much drive to come up with or elaborate on ideas write now… who knows, maybe I’ll make a full recovery by the end of the week! 

Still think I am on the right track though… I have pushing myself pretty hard to mold my brain into a better line of thinking, think I am doing the right things for the long run, just some old habits seem to be dying hard…  

I think what it comes down to… is that my brain and I are still learning how to truly accept my situation and be happy within certain confines… Which can certainly be done… I can be very happy in my situation… I feel like the luckiest person in the World on many days if I am being honest… I just have a hard time not getting really excited about some ideas sometimes, which don’t end up working out… It feels like it is kind of out of my control sometimes, my brain just automatically imagines all of the possibilities… Then it is just depressing and stressful when those possibilities are out of the question… Which can then open up an entire bag of old negative mental paths, thoughts, and emotions… Not pleasant… 

Getting there! I’ll be back! 

Book Club (Predictably Irrational by Dan Ariely): Chapter 14…

Thoughts in order while reading the chapter…

 

I would be curious to see this study done on regular poker players who regularly use chips in place of cash to play

  • They may more easily correlate a token with cash and not cheat as much
  • Or does it mean that people are more likely to cheat when using chips and not cash?
  • I would think playing regularly might strengthen the token to cash relationship
  • I guess a poker player already having a token relationship may have not been optimal for this study… as they are trying to pick something removed from cash
  • Interesting… has interesting implications for casinos and people that cheat…
  • Hmmm…

Pretty wild how much can be justified just by being slightly removed from the cash itself… especially if there are other variables that can help us justify our actions…

  • Like he was saying, the compounded variables and being removed from the money could have profound implications in the online business world… People can come to feel like guiltless criminals… Heightened by an economic situation/culture largely driven by desperation can make it easy to justify…

Can’t help but think of how much of a catalyst desperation is in regard to how much of an influence this dishonesty has over us

  • Desperation is often so overlooked… even the author was much more inclined to quickly point the finger to greed, which can also play a big part of course…

Some powerful thoughts on these subjects and some interesting closing comments as well

  • What are the implications in a cashless society?
  • Perhaps when cash is gone, we won’t be one stepped removed from virtual currency anymore? Perhaps societies conscious will view the tokens like we view cash now potentially? That may be wishful thinking…
  • I still have some hope for the future though!

Would God choose a more Humanesque life?

Just been doing some thinking about God & Heaven recently… I started wondering if God in Heaven would choose to live a more humanesque life… 

I contend that this universe was designed for a specific plan and purpose… that while I don’t think it is actually predetermined in a literal sense, I believe that it was just planned so well, that it is essentially predetermined… that is how smart God is, planning things even like mosquito bites… understands us so well that he could plan and see things billions of years into the future, if not more… 

I just don’t think in heaven that God would always want to see endlessly into an eternal future… I don’t think he would always want to know how someone is going to respond to him… I think that would actually be pretty horrible in my opinion… seems like something that would drive someone completely nuts… I personally think he will dumb himself down a bit to live a more human life… at least the vast majority of time… 

I guess I would argue that being too smart would make for a horrible existence in the long run, especially if you want to be social… that there are many advantages in dumbing down to an optimal level in order to achieve happiness… 

Obviously, it is nice to be smart enough to set everything up and then be able to go to the optimal intelligence to enjoy everything… 

Just some random thoughts anyways… Makes sense though rightInteresting movie premise as well… 

If I was in the Think Tank at Instacart…

Sometime ago, while looking at part time jobs, I stumbled across a company called Instacart. It is a grocery delivery service, seemed like something I might be able to do, or do without being to miserable… which I think it would be better if they let employees become their own bosses a bit more… 

As it stands, you sign up for your hours and they give you orders to fill as they come in, which this is good and should still be an option… but I also like the idea of an option to build clientele and have your own regulars or set up your own schedule for that matter… this would be better for the company and the employee… and a lot of clients as well… 

Then the employees would be much more inclined to market the company and themselves to try and get regular customers… This could greatly expand the company and allow employees to become their own bosses in many ways. I also have to imagine that many clients would also like to have a regular person that buys and delivers their groceries, even better someone they know or a family friend… Eventually they might want them to just drop them off in the fridge if they trusted them enough… 

I just personally think this would improve the company in many ways… could cut down on a lot of employee dissatisfaction as well… I think this also makes the system a bit fairer as well…  

It’s always good in my opinion to allow people to be their own bosses as much as possible within the limits of the job… this seems like a good company that could really benefit from it… 

Just an idea anyways…