Diagnosed with chronic and severe schizophrenia, I live a seemingly mundane life…
I live with my parents and am currently studying sociology at SUNY Empire State College. I am also taking classes related to writing for new media and blogging. Hopefully it would help me with this blog and add some new elements to it. I really enjoy sociology and will be happy to begin adding more sociology related posts. I have a couple friends that I talk to and hang out with sometimes. I spend a lot of time watching the news and even have it on in the background when doing most activities. I enjoy playing EverQuest 2 and browsing memes on the internet. I like scrolling through Facebook and seeing what my Facebook family and friends are doing. A couple of my other favorite hobbies are Poker, Chess and playing the occasional video game. And of course, I like to spend time making art and working on content for this Blog and its appendages (Facebook/Twitter).
But in my Head, in my own personal reality…
I believe myself to be King of the World, living in the World Capital. That is what I truly believe. I believe I was raised to be King while under many rules devised by those in power. For instance, I think I am Savant who has Autism & Schizophrenia and am one of the smartest people in the World in the fields I am good at, but they decided that my true intelligence would be hidden from me until a certain age. I was never to be told I am going to be King, and my life was supposed to be lived as normally as possible. To say that my community went out of its way to fabricate my life in a way, with many of the great minds of the World trying to mold and raise me to be a good person and leader. I think it was also devised this way for me to understand the world, not from the top, but from a “regular life”. I think friend’s that stopped hanging out with me and girls breaking up with me were all part of trying to fabricate this normal life for me to learn first-hand about many aspects of life and to gain a greater understanding of my fellow Human Beings. Not allowed to be popular in many ways and not really allowed to use my intelligence to gain an advantage in the work force. For instance, I am not sure I can have a successful business without getting a business degree first and going through all of those types of channels. I can’t do much of anything that proves that I am really smart. And even when I do, it all has to be downplayed to make me not feel smart. I think I proved the Existence of God, but all I get is nothing but crickets.
The raising a King in a certain way is all well and good in many ways, but there is a very dark side to this story… Many evil people in the World, and a number of them have worked their ways into powerful positions and lead many people. They also had their own hands in raising me a certain way and their own demands on obstacles and challenges I would have to overcome on my fabricated life’s journey. I personally believe that there was an initiation developed that I had to go through and continue to go through. Which, I think this initiation had very dark intentions, I personally found it more like some dark cult ritual to turn me over to the dark side. And I also think once they realized I wasn’t going to be turned to the dark side, that it more just turned into an assassination attempt. During this initiation is when I started to realize that my life wasn’t normal and started to really do some deep thinking. I was being attacked and didn’t have the slightest clue why. I eventually concluded that I wasn’t who I thought I was, just an ordinary average person just trying to get through and enjoy life. It really became quite the mental battle and a fight for my own sanity and life. During this period, as I was fighting this fight and was starting to have my first suicidal thoughts, I said that I bet that I won’t kill myself before this initiation is over.
Which, it would seem that the bet was taken seriously and rules were developed between the parties in power. Not long after I made the bet, my life took even more turns for the worse and I found myself truly fighting myself to not kill myself…. This was many years ago… friends stopped hanging out with me, girls stopped even talking to me, and things got very very crazy… You can read all about it in my book, Why I think I am God’s Son: Realist or Madman?
I think I am constantly on camera 24/7, and everywhere I go or anything I use is mic’d or bugged. I honestly think the entire world is watching me at this point in time. Could be compared to the Truman Show in Many ways. I don’t believe almost anything I see in the news anymore outside of Natural Disasters. While I think there is a cold war surrounding my life and this initiation/bet, I think the World is in relative peace anymore. I think of the News and my life like a soap opera where everyone is acting, from my family and friends to world leaders, it is all a soap opera for a viewing audience of one. It is like I wake up and walk through a play every day. I think I am on my own separate cable and internet networks and outside of it, the world is constantly discussing my life and ideas. To say that this upbringing/initiation/bet has gotten completely out of control. One of the rules in my opinion is to show that I have no effect on the world and that I am not intelligent. No matter what I do, the world around me hardly changes. As the world improved in reality, my fake world just got more and more fake. No one can discuss things with me directly, so everything has to be indirect. I think I interact a bit with people in the news and live television and am always trying to understand what they are indirectly telling me. Part of the reason I really like memes is because I find so much hidden meaning in them, specifically meant for me. When I have long conversations with my closest friends, I feel it to be more like we are doing a podcast for the world. Even when I play games, I think they are live streamed.
There are all sorts of rules for this upbringing/initiation/bet that I am subject to and I make my best efforts to make myself happy within their confines…
I didn’t wake up one morning feeling this way… it all happened over the course of a lifetime and a series of events… You can read all about it in my book… “Why I think I am God’s Son: Realist or Madman”
I am completely non-violent, not dangerous, and in my head think that the world is already at peace and that there is nothing more to fight over or to get overly worked up over anyways…
Just trying to make a living doing what I enjoy doing…
This all poses an interesting question if I actually am completely delusional… is that ok with everyone?
If I pose no threat to society, can I go ahead and live in the bliss of a world I have created in my head? If the truth would ruin my life or kill me, is it ethical to just go ahead and let me believe what I believe? Would it be ethical to try and force a reality down my throat I would never accept?
Can someone walk in their own reality as they get through and survive this crazy world? Is that wrong?
I know the limits and boundaries, I am a moral person and would certainly not want to hurt anyone or go to jail, I am a God-fearing person… While I might believe something like I have many wives, I would never stalk anyone or anything of that nature, I would always wait for a relationship to develop in natural ways… I haven’t had a girlfriend in person in many years, I haven’t even touched another girl besides hugging a friend… it doesn’t bother me… in my head it is all part of the initiation/bet why none of my wives can call me or date me or anything like that, I am waiting… if I die waiting, I have accepted that…
If it is all a delusion related to and brought on by my Schizophrenia, then I rather enjoy it and wouldn’t change it… No one on Earth is filled with more purpose in life than me… It was really tough in the beginning and still tough at times, but I have a sense of achievement and accomplishment now, it is all a gift in many ways to me anymore… I am so close to feeling like the happiest person on the planet… if this would just work out…
It is tough having Schizophrenia (and I believe Autism), and I truly do feel like a Mental Patient in many ways. Not to mention, feeling like you are constantly on camera to the world and all that goes into that is pretty exhausting. It is a little like I am working from the moment I wake up, until the moment I go to bed. Plus, I feel like people are constantly asking my opinion on things and I feel like the whole world is going to hear it, so I feel some constant pressure in a way to perform well. Also trying to keep everyone happy in my head. Then add in school…
Work is horrible for me anymore for the most part, when I have to work I feel like I am under attack, it feels like my enemies are trying to make me kill myself. Even brushing my teeth can feel like quite the chore some days. Vacuuming once a week is something I dread. Unfortunately my disability claim was denied, which would have helped me out a lot. I think it was denied because of this initiation/bet, not because the government wouldn’t give it to me. It was a crazy situation, when I first went to sign up it sounded like Schizophrenia is considered a severe disability and is fast tracked if you can prove you truly have it. By the end of my journey, it was like if you can shower and make your own food you aren’t disabled. What a horrible roller coaster that whole process was.
Really hoping I can make this blog and my art work as it is something I can comfortably do and enjoy doing… Hopefully I am on the right track anyways. Don’t know unless you try I guess.
This is a good article I wrote to give you a little more incite:
theeclecticschizophrenic.com 