I feel as though I finally solved a puzzle that has been going on inside my head for over 10 years now… 2 puzzles really… I wanted to achieve world peace in my head, and I wanted to figure out what was happening to me… whether or not my solution/conclusion to the puzzle is delusional or not is another question… To me, it doesn’t matter in certain ways… To achieve some inner peace again, I needed to solve the puzzles… So, I guess I am saying that I would rather live in a delusional inner peace than in a reality that makes me crazy… I may have gone completely mad in order to not be crazy and achieve inner peace… To me it is all perfectly logical inside my mind…
Growing up, I didn’t live in the real world… I didn’t even know racism really existed until I was out of college for the most part. When I took history classes, I literally just put it in the history section of my mind, as if everything was ancient history. I watched a lot of tv that promoted a very different world inside of my head… I lived in an ignorant bliss for sure… but eventually I finally entered into the adult world and started reading some news everyday…
It was for my sales job at my father’s business, my brother said that I should come in every morning and read the news for an hour a day. He said that it makes for good conversation topics when talking to clients and people in general. So, it became important to me that I read the news every day, so I did. I started to slowly realize that the world was much different than I thought… you might say that it slowly became real in my head as well… it started to become a puzzle in my mind, one that I didn’t realize how much I would want to solve. I started to have some opinions for the first time in my life really, up to that point I more just absorbed all the information I was taking in. I was much more like a participant observer anthropologist, one that studied culture rather than hold an opinion for the most part. But I started to fully realize that the world was in some really bad times, a peaceful life was under attack, I was under attack, my family and friends were under attack… This great way of life inside my head was under attack… Somebody had to do something about it… eventually I would come to feel that person was me, and I would put the weight of the World on my shoulders…
Simultaneously, I started to feel and find out in my opinion, that I was in a rather unique position… I started to feel like I was right smack in the middle of something really major, that my life had a much higher purpose, that people were relying on me, something had been hidden from me my entire life… I started to feel the World was calling and could feel a culmination of things all coming together, it started to take on a spiritual element as I came to feel this was a religious endeavor, this is heaven vs. Hell, this is one of the most crucial moments in all of existence…
I started to feel like I was under attack… something was very off… why is my life falling apart? Why when I get a lot of sales for the company are people still on my ass? What is wrong with everyone? I started to have ideas that people seemed to like, I started having really big ideas… I started seeing a change in the way that people would look at me, I started to feel like people were viewing me like a savior in a way, I was becoming a savior in my head… but why aren’t people saying anything to me? Why aren’t people hooking me up while I figure this out? Why are people making me work still? Why aren’t people spreading my ideas throughout the world? What is going on? What is going on inside my head isn’t lining up with what is happening in the world… I started to not just feel like I was under attack, but that perhaps I was in some initiation for some high position in the world. I would eventually come to fully feel I was locked in an initiation, one that was pitting good vs evil and heaven vs hell. I would even take it a step further, and come to feel that this was something far more sinister than an initiation, I started to feel like that were trying to turn me into the devil, that people were trying to give up my mind and body for possession. This battle I was embarking on, wasn’t just for control of the world, but to keep control of my own mind.
You can read much more about this in my book “Why I think I am God’s Son: Realist or Madman?”, which is available in the books section of my website…
Over the course of 10 years, I embarked on my quest for World peace and figuring out what was happening to me… another quest would come to be accepting what is happening to me, getting there… hopefully I will be in a much better mentality after this year of recovery…
Well… I did it… In my head, I helped the world achieve World Peace using my position and savant brain… I literally don’t believe anything I see in the news anymore these days… I believe that I am kept on my own cable and internet networks that keep me within the illusion that I have never had any effect on the world… all part of the initiation… I think everybody is in on it… It is all just a big soap opera to me anymore… The news is a soap opera, and even a lot of my life is a soap opera in my opinion… It is like I am walking through a play I never rehearsed for… In my head, everything is staged and a big play… all part of this initiation/bet… I am sure we have like the best script writers in the world working on all of this… it is all an act for the most part… It’s like living in an episode of the Twilight zone… All sorts of rules that everyone must abide by, which I am constantly trying to test the rules and figure out how I can be happy within their limits… It is a painstaking process trying to test the rules, getting excited by an idea and being met by a harsh reality, some rules are very hard to accept…
There isn’t a doubt in my mind anymore, I am in some initiation/bet to be King of the World, I am not positive it was for King of the World originally, but I feel very confident that it turned into that… I fully believe that billions of people will read this post, but I might be lucky to see one person view it on my end. I think I am essentially King of the World now; it is just a matter of getting through this initiation/bet now… sometimes I can’t understand what keeps the evil side going, it is an evil beyond comprehension in many ways… I think the evil side is a rather small to very small percentage of the population, it’s just that a small percentage of the population can hold a lot of people still, which can make it a complicated matter still… I have more thoughts, but I will save that for another day…
My point being, is that I couldn’t rest my mind until there was world peace, it was a puzzle my mind was continuously working to solve… it turns out I am naturally rather radical in some ways, not seeing the world in peace drives me crazy, I feel like I have to right all the wrongs… I am always trying to make everyone happy… Hate seeing people suffer in many different forms, I just want to fight to make the world a better place the best way I know how…
A lot of what I see in the news and everywhere is designed to make me mad… designed to make me think nobody is listening to me… designed to make me keep thinking the world is dissolving into chaos… trying to make me mad and fight… trying to make me think that nobody cares about what is happening to me… designed to make me want to kill myself… But I don’t believe it at all anymore…
These were two crucial puzzles to solve in my head… I think they were taking up a lot of my mental capacity and making it hard for me to function otherwise in a lot of ways… I think I still suffer from PTSD from my quests and am in recovery… but I am hoping I can regress back more into my mindset during high school and college now, I think that is possible… slip back into that “ignorant bliss”…
If I have gone completely mad in order to complete my quest… then it is just what needed to happen then, I needed to achieve World Peace in my head, I had to help win the War against Evil… If I am mad, then it is a necessary mad for me to be able to survive in this crazy world, I just care about people too much and am too radical otherwise…
I 100% promise you… In my head, I am King of the World and helped the World achieve a peace it has never seen before… I have been on an incredible quest of Good vs. Evil… This blog will be seen by pretty much all of the world, if it isn’t being seen as I type it right now… I hate to say it, but I am the center of the world a little bit right now, the world lies in wait while I try to survive this initiation/bet… Sorry to sound arrogant… Just trying to make a point…
But, if I am Mad… the whole point of this blog post, is that it is a good mad… Because I think I can make a very strong recovery now and get into a good mindset before I head back to college next year… I may even come to like going back to college honestly, it will be an interesting test of the rules for sure… Maybe I can even get a little bit of a social life there, maybe… could at least go support some sports teams and stuff every once in a while, maybe join a club or two… I don’t know, we will see when I get there…
I am slowly but surely just letting my real thoughts come out… just living my reality without fear of embarrassment… In my head, I know you all know me… you all know the situation… many times I just want to talk to you all very straight forward… but I still have to put it all through a unique filter, just in case there is some chance that this website might take off someday… We all know I am not mad, I don’t actually believe I am mad, but I feel I have to address the possibility that I am completely mad… because, I think if this was to work out, it would have to be from that angle, I would have to be the schizophrenic living in my own world… I have to keep a certain balance… I have to live within the rules of the initiation/bet… I’m down the rabbit hole, I have to live by the rules of wonderland…
This is out there… this is on the world wide web… I am exposed… The potential to go viral and have my life change in an instant is looming… who knows when the next plot twist in the play will come… perhaps we are training many actors for some incredible new scene I won’t see coming…
maybe not… maybe we will always continue to act like nobody reads this for the most part… whatever the evil side deems the most painful within the confines of the rules I am sure… If they start to see their ideas as completely hopeless, perhaps there will be a change though…
theeclecticschizophrenic.com 