This last birthday was a big one in my schizophrenic universe. It was a date that I clung to for a long time in hopes that my situation would end on that date. By the time the date finally came I didn’t have too much hope that it would actually end on that day. It still became a significant day in my mind though. I thought, either way, this will be a life changing Birthday. It was either going to be a really big life altering event by ending, or a more subtle life altering life changing event by adjusting my thoughts and my outlook on life.
Well, my Birthday has come and gone, so how am I thinking? It’s immediately a bit strange no longer having a target date in my mind. It’s a little like mentally staring out into the void now in that regard. But, by not having a date to latch on into the future, I think I will start focusing a lot more in the present moment. Just take it day by day and try to enjoy the present moment as much as possible. I feel like I will also try and stop wishing time away like I have for the last 15 years or so.
There just isn’t a date I am searching for in the future anymore. Just the present moment exists. I will just live in the present moment and trust that strength will come to me in challenging moments. I kinda feel like I am somewhere between earth and heaven right now. The present moment is all there will ever be for all eternity, this is living ya know? One day there will be that official crossover from earth and heaven though. I feel like I am on my journey to Heaven, but part of me feels like I am already there and experiencing it.
I plan to apply for disability again soon. Hopefully I will get it one of these times as I still find work to be a pretty traumatic experience for me. I think something will work out anyways, whether disability or some money or something will find its way to me somehow. I am having more faith these days that a path will open up. I believe that on a couple fronts. One, I truly feel I do have a disability and that eventually it should work out because that is true. Perhaps, I had to get the runaround like almost everybody else for a period of time, because that is kind of the natural way of the current system and the rules of my situation often have to do with living a “normal life”.
Two, I think something changed when I went back to college and got on a path to creating a sociology blog. I followed the correct steps to make it happen and feel it was denied to me. Did well in all the classes and took the appropriate writing and blogging classes. I feel like in my blogging class, especially with it being one of the kind of one on one classes with your professor, I should have gotten more guidance. I feel like in the real world a professor would have helped me really try and make my blog work. But, I didn’t get too much guidance or feedback at all. So, I feel like a career was kind of stolen from me.
Then, not long after my blogging class and maybe even during it, some money found its way to me. I don’t want to discount the great generosity shown to me in the gift, but in all the previous years when I was really struggling and severely suicidal and all that I never really got anything. Part of me feels that I earned that money. I feel some deal was reached that they wouldn’t allow me to have a successful blog, but they would pay me in another way. A way that would still hide my intelligence and keep me in my schizophrenic world.
But I wonder if that career is still kind of owed to me. Perhaps it wasn’t just a one time buy out. Maybe some money will always find its way to me in some form, within limits of course. It might even be a reason that will help me get disability insurance eventually. I don’t know, but it makes some sense to me anyways. I don’t believe my going to college and then getting money were purely coincidental.
So, part of me still feels like I may truly be a professional blogger and that money just comes to me in unconventional ways. A fun and interesting thought anyways. A thought that makes me feel good in all reality. Kind of gives me some extra drive to keep the blogosphere going, besides my just natural enjoyment of it, as well as its therapeutic properties.
Suppose I will leave it there for the day, not really too much on my mind in all reality. A couple weeks before my birthday I was all pent up a bit and had so much I wanted to say after my Birthday, but that has largely been like washed away from my mind and a calm has settled in. I’m honestly in a pretty good place mentally right now. Hope everyone has a good day!
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