One of the biggest issues I still face to this day, is looking at and reading people’s faces. Whether driving down the road or walking around the store, watching the live news, wherever…
You see, I personally believe I am on camera 24/7 with microphones around me, like I am always on a reality show. Which I believe is broadcast worldwide, I especially think within my home town it is on an even different level… I feel like everything is choreographed in a way, like I am just walking through a play or a production, everything must stay within the illusion within the confines of the initiation/bet… Plus, people must keep everything secured, keeping me safe and etc etc… I think I have a bit of my own secret service you could say.
My point being, that I think basically everybody I pass or see has heard or read what I have said throughout the day, whether they are reading this, or they heard a regular conversation I have had. So, I feel like people’s faces and reactions are to what I said or did, people smiling or laughing, I think they are happy… people can look indifferent or mad… In a way because nobody acted like they ever read any of my books or that they hear me, it is the only feedback I get sometimes… People’s faces are essentially the comment section to my thoughts and actions throughout the day.
For years, It got to the point, where when I saw negative faces I would just think the rest of the day, what could that person possibly be mad about? So, I would think about everything I had been saying or doing and would think of why they were mad, and then I would address it until people seemed happy. I got really good at figuring out why people would be mad about things I said or did. My brain became wired to do it in a way, I saw an angry face, and the program in my brain would kick in.
I just can’t stand to have people mad at me, to a fault, I want everyone to be happy with me, in my head, I think in this life or the next it is possible haha… But, I often joke that in the story of my life, I work in the complaint department, because if a million people were happy with me and one person said they didn’t like me, I wouldn’t just brush the person off, I would be trying to hash it out with that person, try to reason with them, why they shouldn’t dislike…
That is how I operated for years… which I think in a way, really helped to painstakingly help shape my character. A painful process though, constantly doing damage control and trying to make people happy, and as new people joined in on the viewing, it was the next group of people I had to get to like me.
But, anymore I feel like I have gotten to the bottom of the barrel, that essentially the whole world is watching me now, and that nobody has any good reasons not to like me anymore. I am don’t looking for reasons why people are mad at me anymore, because I feel if you don’t like me, you are either evil or depressed. I have decided that any bad faces anymore are from either evil people, depressed people, people being paid to look at me angrily, or people must look and act certain ways because it would be unnatural if everybody was just smiling all the time.
I think the whole world is watching… but because of the initiation/bet I am in, we still must act like it is all schizophrenia ya know, people must act like they never even heard of me.
Which, I think the faces did serve their purpose as a complaint department for a while, or a comment section you could say… but we have reached a point now, that people just must make certain faces because I am still in the initiation/bet and people also get paid to do it… But, I am passed the point of thinking I need to do damage control… In fact, I often hear the words, trust the system, which it is like people have a system now for handling things and there is nothing that needs my addressing, no reason to get worked up about anything.
It is very complicated… I am not sure if that all made sense… it’s just that looking at people’s faces still can really screw me up, I would be ecstatic if people could just look like they were happy with me all the time, but that isn’t in the cards.
I need to learn to not be so affected by people’s faces, which I am trying, but it may be a long process, I just want people to be happy with me!