I never gave much thought to the expression, fake it until you make it, until I started this Journalism & Blog career. Heard it said a time or two, without much understanding. But, it took on a new meaning recently, because I feel I am faking it until I make it a bit. I decided I would write this blog, like I already have thousands of followers, not holding much back at all, doing what I want to be doing in the future. If I had no followers or a few followers, I would present this blog as it would be seen under a much larger audience. Then when people join in, whether early in the process or later, they would see the same structure. I wouldn’t hold off bigger ideas I had until I had more followers or anything like that. I feel that is a version of faking it until you make it though, because you are acting like you have thousands of followers when you don’t, until you do.
To put a twist on the field of dreams… If you write it, they will come.
There a big difference with me though, is that I already feel I have an audience that is “hidden” from me, while my site stats only show maybe a few visits a day, I feel I am getting millions. To me, it is un logical how things progress for me. Some of my ideas, I think are groundbreaking, and that news should travel much faster. For example, my article titled “A case for God”, and a recent blog about my theory of why bad things happen to good people… I think they would spread like wildfire across the internet, that within a week I would have thousands of followers. Even in those two examples, it just doesn’t make sense to me why things progress so slow. Which if you follow my blog, you know my explanation is that I am in an initiation/bet to be head of many families and groups. So, there is a huge difference between what I see and what I perceive in my mind and that can be extremely frustrating, especially when you are relying on this to work out for some sense of happiness.
I came to talk about this today, because this morning I had like a little melt down, and had a huge rush of self-doubt, like it had been being held back by my mind for a while, then it came crashing down on me. I just really struggle with most kinds of work anymore, I only work 2 ½ hours a day right now at a machine shop, and that is overwhelming, having a lot of anxiety there. It is sad, because I really do have a dream job in a way that many people would like to have it, but, even that is too much. I used to gladly work 8 hours a day, plus plenty of overtime, with a smile on my face. I swear to God, there was a time, when I use to love going to work on Mondays, I was that guy. My psychological conditions just progressed and have taken that away from me.
I am really relying on either disability, or my journalism/blogging career to take off. I would love to be out of physical work as soon as possible. I do really well with mental tasks like writing and coming up with ideas, and I am an excellent student. Even if I did get disability, I would definitely keep doing this, and would probably even still take a class or two at the college every semester, it is like medicine for my brain. A full schedule can be a bit exhausting… But, this is like my very important back up plan, it’s like, if I don’t get disability and this doesn’t work out, I feel I am screwed. I am just grin and bearing it through work every day. This would be the dream job, whether I was getting paid, or whether I was on disability still doing it, even though “not many” people were following.
But, back to today, a lot of self-doubt. Had racing thoughts, thinking this is going to be just another failed effort on my part. Worried about keeping the few followers I currently have, whether I am posting too much, or people don’t like it. Am I letting myself get too excited to have it all crashing down on me? Worried… I am I ever going to gain followers? Is this even a possibility given the situation (initiation/bet) I am in? Thinking, there is no way this is going to work out…
But, then I thought, stick to the plan, I got three or four years of school left. I’m half way though my two-year plan of being able to go to school full time without having to work. Then I will have two or three years of just school, which should be enjoyable. Then hopefully, I can land a journalism job after college, writing from home. Perhaps, if I keep plugging away at this, doing some advertising here and there, I will gain a decent audience by the time I graduate college, maybe followers will come and go, but if I keep doing what I am doing, they will come.
The best-case scenario’s in my mind are that I either get disability, which pretty much everyone I know thinks I should be on, including psychiatrists and doctors, or this journalism and blogging takes off within the next year or so. Would be nice if I didn’t have to take out some huge student loans getting a bachelor’s degree. Getting my associates puts me in a nice place financially, I honestly don’t need to make a super lot of money doing this, to put me in a good situation. Getting more student loans of course means I will have to make more money. Also, worth noting, I am waiting for my disability hearing, although I don’t hold out much hope for that.
I am really riding on this…. but I realize if it is going to happen it is going to be more gradual than initially thought, I was hoping for the overnight success type deal. Which, that is a bit of a let-down in it of itself, but I just have to keep writing… let the cards fall where they may.
Thank you to those who decided to join in on the journey so far… It is greatly appreciated!
theeclecticschizophrenic.com 