Having trouble being alone with my thoughts…

This blog has already proven useful from a therapeutic stand point in a multiple of ways… today I actually had a little break through on something I have been evaluating. 

I started to focus more on what my current problem areas are mentally. I have issues at work with still thinking people are looking over my shoulder and things like that, but I also started to realize something else that has gradually come to the forethought of my thinking. 

When I do yard work, run a machine for a while, and things like that I would get a lot of anxiety and not be able to do it very long. Like today I was out weed whacking and after like 15-20 minutes I start getting that hazy feeling, get a little hot, a little out of focus, some minor thoughts that it may lead to me passing out or something. Now, you might think it would all be work related… 

But, there is a screwball, when I take a shower I can also come out feeling that same way sometimes. After writing more about my thoughts about getting in a state of meditation and things like that… I started to realize these are the times when I am most alone with my thoughts… not really anything else going on in the background or anything, free to think about whatever.  

I think now, during those times, my brain must still be wired to think of negative thoughts and go down negative paths of thought. It especially must be happening a lot subconsciously, which it is good that the thoughts are getting out of my conscious thoughts. It is just my brain will give me that threaten to knock me out a bit feeling if I don’t alter my course. I normally got do some breathing, listen to the radio or something, eat a snack.  

But, I am getting closer and closer at least, like it was good I didn’t really want to leave work early this week besides today. I should start working on it more, perhaps an hour a day, paint without the radio on, just be alone with my thoughts, force my brain to start working on it in a more comfortable atmosphere.  

I won’t get ahead of myself this time, thinking I can change this extremely fast… maybe try and think, down the road a year or two… then if it happens sooner, all the better. 

But yardwork is one of those extremely meditative type jobs… then it apparently can be a matter if you meditate about positive thoughts and things or negative trains of thought… Subconsciously, my mind must still try and jump on the negative train a bit. Which of course, my mind is currently in this inner battle of achieving zen and positive thoughts, I am just caught up in the middle of it. 

It is nice that the battle is getting deeper and deeper into my subconscious, less and less those negative thoughts come to the surface… At the cost of some panicky situations for me… I was telling our office manage today, how when it first started years back, there were days where I felt like I got the crap kicked out of me all day, I might end up laying in a bed scared to even think or my mind was going to punish me. It was real rough for a while. 

But thinking better consciously more and more often is a great feeling… I feel like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel now… that perhaps one day I will enjoy going to work on Monday again! I am very lucky I work for my father where I have the chance to work out my problems with some understanding. It may be an opportunity to look at some types of programs for people fighting some mental issues that are between disability or whatever… perhaps like a half type disability or something, where people work part time with some leniency as they work out problems… I don’t know, something to think about anyways, especially now that disability is so intertwined with mental illness, there could be some good ways to get people back on their feet. I feel a healthy minded person will often want to work. 

I still of course, would love to have the journalism, blogging, and artist career take off. Perhaps even add pottery making to my repertoire down the road, I think I would like pottery. That is the current dream, given my current situation… 

But, I at least understand something new about myself now, I find that can help speed recovery up, just being aware. But, I definitely have to work on being alone with my thoughts, I even sleep with the radio or tv on… I have been known to have issues sleeping if I have nothing on…  

I was excited to get home and write about that today… Could be something that other people have been going through and didn’t realize, may be part of the reason you don’t like meditative jobs or meditating, because rather than think about neutral or positive things, or being able to reflect on negative things in a healthy way. Perhaps your mind is just quickly jumping to only negative thoughts… It can be something rooted deep in your subconscious… Will have to think of a course of action and some cognitive tricks to start making adjustments… May need to find a job that occupies your mind more, no free time to think… start meditating and working on your alone time thoughts when you are in a more comfortable environment… start small, work your way up, 20 mins a day, then 30 mins a day, etc… maybe start reading, etc… There should be a way to hopefully navigate your mind out of it though. I am a big fan of cognitive therapy, more using your own brain to repair your brain, using little tricks and things to navigate your way to positive thinking. 

That concludes my session for today hehe. I ended up writing way more than I thought I would… Hope you all have a good weekend! 

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