Deciding to try and get The Eclectic Schizophrenic off the ground, has led to an acceptance of trying to navigate in two different worlds a bit…
To try and make this work is to enter into an illogical world in my opinion… I just don’t believe that some of my ideas, posts, etc… don’t spread throughout this country and world like wildfire. I don’t believe in a logical world that my parents, psychiatrists, mental health professionals, etc… wouldn’t try to convince me that everything in my head is delusion, try and snap me out of it, if they thought I was truly out of my mind… (Which, it has gone so far and become too airtight in my mind now, that there would be no going back now, even if everyone tried, it would just make for bad relationships at this point).
Where, I am trying to go with this… Is that throughout the last 10+ years my mind has followed all of its own paths of logic, through life experiences, conversations, and everything really for that matter… It created an entirely different world in my head than is directly presented to me, anymore I just feel like I am walking through a screenplay in a way… Everyone is acting in my opinion… at the same time, getting me some information here and there to the reality of the world…
So, trying to make this Eclectic Schizophrenic work, is to try and navigate an illogical world, and it can get stressful… When you think things should happen faster or expect news to travel fast, or some idea to come together… and they don’t… it is very depressive and stressful. Mainly so because of my disability and the idea of trying to do anything else for a living makes me want to kill myself… It gives off a feeling of, that my life depends on making this work out… It is not a good feeling at all, I will most likely be very anxious until this either takes off or if I get accepted into disability… I always feel like the clock is ticking on my current situation as well, which I have come to be at least a little comfortable in, but can’t be completely… If I start to get a little comfortable or a little happy, I will inevitably be met with some news that at least makes me question my future arrangements… I can never be too comfortable in my current situation.
Then of course the two worlds can overlap in many ways, making it all the more confusing…
I am really working on diving into this illogical world and figuring out the rules though… trying to figure out ways to be happy and achieve happiness within it… I am cautiously optimistic… It is hard with my disability, because it limits me…
At times I feel like I can see the light a bit though…
Going down the rabbit hole… may be much more applicable to entering and trying to live within the illogical world… What is presented to me as the “Real World”.
Perhaps it was a bit of a good omen today that I went to the Mad Hatter Café and Co-op for the first time today… was even presented with the rabbit hole… Perhaps it is a sign from the universe that I am on the right track… time to really dive down this rabbit hole…
theeclecticschizophrenic.com 