It feels like I have nothing to do in some ways, feels like all responsibilities have been delegated… I wonder if that is part of my boredom and lethargy….
I am also in a position where I feel like I don’t want to rock the boat at all… I would probably like to say more things that are on my mind, but I hold back. I generally hold back most political type thoughts when writing. I don’t engage the soap opera in that way…
In my opinion, pretty much everyone I know agrees with a lot of my thoughts… but everyone must stay in character, everyone has their soap opera persona in that regard. They also must stick to that persona and can’t break it, no matter what I do really.
It just leaves me in a position where I don’t have many outlets… I can have some conversations, but I never feel like I am talking. There are so many rules to conversations with most everyone, rules that if broken can tarnish the relationship. It can feel like a lonely place when you feel like you aren’t talking that often, just playing by the rules. I have one friend I can talk with, but we don’t get together too often or have too many texting conversations. Leaves a bit of a void in my life I suppose. I feel like a social animal that needs to be social, sometimes more often than other times.
I don’t really like tarnishing relationships… I like the idea of being friends with everyone, well most everyone. I feel myself a bit of a liaison. I also like being there for other people when they need someone to talk to, and you can’t be there to talk to someone if you went and tarnished the relationship earlier. I suppose I feel like a natural therapist in some ways, just naturally kind of live my life that way. I more look for the things I can agree on with people and start from there. I listen and watch and figure out the rules of the conversation and the relationship… if I want to be friends with this person, these are the rules I must follow.
It is particularly frustrating, because I know people don’t have as many rules as they do, they are just staying in character… I have broken the fourth wall of the soap opera in some ways, yet I am still stuck in it… for instance, no one can even acknowledge I have broken the fourth wall, although their silence often speaks volumes… When imagining the Truman Show movie, imagine after all he went through and realized, they managed to keep him locked in the bubble and just kept right on acting, not even acknowledging it ever again. The therapists even, still trying to make him believe it is all real. That is how it can feel sometimes… it is pretty insane… pretty frustrating… can be depressing at times…
My bubble is earth… this is worldwide… no escaping Seahaven island… no borders… 100% stuck in my situation until this upbringing/initiation/bet is over or I die…
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