Hello, it’s been a while since I have updated the world on how I am doing through this blog. I guess I would have to say that things are going pretty good and slowly getting better. My mental health has made some pretty big strides the last couple years. I have been able to start letting go of a lot of things and more accept my lot in life. I have really been trying to embrace more of a monk mindset in a lot of ways and really dive into the religious aspects of everything. Just letting go of plans and dreams I had in this life in general, accepting that this time on Earth is about service to God’s plan, not our plans. Got all of Eternity to be having the time of my life.
But living this way, I am starting to find joy in life in all new ways. It will sound weird, but I still am living the dream in a lot of ways, a dream I had throughout childhood. Dreams of struggle and overcoming adversity. I can remember being young and thinking about being in war and being a special forces agent or whatever. One time I even got in trouble over an incident that happened when my friend and I were pretending we were prisoners of war. Which I have had elements of feeling like I was or am a black ops agent at times and certainly feel like a prisoner of war at times as well. My thoughts when I was younger certainly were a bit foreshadowing and helped prepare me for all this. And I just think this life was what was best for me in a lot of ways. A life that has impacted my Eternal life and my relationship with everyone for all Eternity. Definitely happy though that I am starting to feel like I’m on the other side of the hardest parts and struggles though.
More and more I am just starting to accept and open up to the idea that my situation won’t end while I am on Earth. Which is kind of a good thing, because I am just starting to let go of the hope for that and just trying to find happiness in my situation instead. Before I definitely needed to think this would end in order to get through some tough times, even if those dates coming and going were a horrible experience, I still needed that little bit of hope for a while. I almost don’t even want to create anymore dates that I hope this will be over, and just keep working on finding happiness in this situation.
The one thing that happens when I start to think my situation won’t end while I’m on Earth though, is that it just opens my mind up to all sorts of new possibilities of what is going on and what is keeping me in this situation. I find myself kinda questioning my sanity sometimes when I go down certain threads of thought. So that is something I will have to work on now that I am just embracing life in this situation and not trying to think about it ending.
The last date that is still on my mind a bit, is my 40th birthday. It has always felt like a marker for various reasons. The main one being a friend of mine asking me if we were both single when we were 40, if I would marry her. She asked me that early on in all of this, so it has always had some significance. Plus 40 is like the halfway point of life on Earth. After that, I’m not even sure what date I would believe this all might end, I really have no more guesses or anything to base a date off of. I am actually in the process of letting go of the idea that it will actually end when I turn 40, but I am making a few life decisions right now based on the idea that it might. I am more curious about the idea of it ending when I am 40, rather than really believing it.
But, I have decided to maintain the status quo until my 40th birthday. Only leaving my house to get my medicine, the occasional family get together, or occasional errand. Getting my groceries delivered, and not working at all. But after my 40th birthday, if this all doesn’t end, I will probably start making some changes in order to start saving some money, stretching out my money, and maybe even start trying to make some money. I really think at some point I will be giving my poker club/coffee shop idea a go. Hopefully that would work out, it’s not like I need to make a ton of money to get by. I feel I have gotten some positive feedback on that idea and that it will work. That could manifest itself in a few different ways. That idea is pretty tailored to how my mind works and feeling comfortable while working, so would be pretty optimal.
Then I have even started thinking of getting a more regular job, and trying to work 8-10 hours a week. That is how much my mental health has improved so far anyways. That line of thinking was almost unimaginable a while back. I figured I might start by reaching out on facebook and hopefully get a bit of a sympathy job. Hoping to just find something that is light work like boxing up some things or something like that. I feel like I could find something or that people would help me find something. But, would be a good place to start, and I think I could still be happy doing it. Would hopefully cover my monthly expenses or be close enough to really stretch out my savings. Then who knows, maybe eventually I would want to up my hours a bit.
Part of me wants to apply for disability again, but I have largely given up on that. The first two times were such a horrible experience for me. Just felt more like a way to get my hopes up and then make me depressed when it didn’t work out. We shall see, I may try one more time. My psychiatrist used the number 3 a lot when saying how many times it can take to get disability insurance. So perhaps she was telling me how many times it would take me. Will have to see about that and how I am feeling.
I suppose that’s about it though. Mainly just been working on my mental health and finding happiness in the midst of all this. Slowly but surely, I am getting there. Now to get myself a bit more in the Christmas spirit, enjoy the holiday, and bring in the New Year. Hope everyone has a good Christmas. I may start doing a weekly or monthly blog post starting in the new year, but we shall see. Merry Christmas!
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