The seemingly mundane put through the Schizophrenic filter…

(This post was written yesterday, 8/1/2019)

Haven’t done one of these posts in a while… when I describe something that happens to me through the lens of the Wonder Land inside my head… what some may call my Schizophrenic Delusions… 

Yesterday some brake fluid started leaking out the end of one of my brakes and ended up breaking the shoes inside the brake as well… I had just started driving down the road when it sounded like I hit something, which I didn’t see anything in front of me that I could have hit but I really gave a good look through the rear views and around the car to make sure I didn’t hit anything… certainly didn’t sound good… plus the brakes started to feel real soft and would press down rather far, definitely felt sketchy… I went to the laundromat anyways and came back… then I decided to contact the repair shop to see what I should do… they decided I should bring it in, so I drove it down, waited a bit and was told the news that I mentioned at the beginning of this paragraph… got a ride home from my father and that was that… 

That was what happened… a seemingly mundane happenstance that can occur in everyday life when you have a car, nothing that hasn’t happened before in the history of cars… 

But I get to thinking… and can’t help but start imagining some kind of conspiracy theory… In my head I am in an initiation to be King of the World, an initiation that turned into a bet that I couldn’t survive the duration of it… it is very hard for me to accept random occurrences as being random, especially with my car, I have to imagine that people go above and beyond to make sure my car is well maintained so things like this don’t happen… The majority of the world is rather invested in my survival (in my head)… 

Plus, I have been feeling like there has been a bit of a push by the other side lately to make my life miserable… I think it is a pay to play type system, where they have to spend so much money in order to have certain things done to me within the landscape of my life… but lately I feel like they have been spending a lot of money that they must have saved up… they certainly don’t have the spending money like they had some years ago, plus I have gotten better at dealing with things… this last couple weeks might have been really rough for me some years ago… 

My brain can really start firing when I end up in potentially dangerous situations though… I have come to feel those instances are a combination of things… I feel that my enemies have found a loophole within the rules of the bet and that someone negotiating deals from my side of the bet has fallen to corruption and darkness a bit… 

I would certainly call that a potentially dangerous situation… leaking braking fluid… if I kept driving without it getting fixed, my brakes could have certainly gone out on me when I was driving… potentially could have died in all reality…  

I definitely think there are rules that they can’t outright kill me… and I think for the most part they can’t even really pay to put me in any life-threatening situations… which is why I tend to think they found a loop hole when I end up in these situations… 

But they also can’t exploit loopholes so freely… otherwise I would be subject to them more often… I think there are certain things that can always be paid for if they put up the money, but I think there are so many deals that are negotiated through some system and within the rules of the bet… things that have to be signed off on, even on my side… so, I tend to believe that someone had to have signed off on this potentially life ending experience… which I don’t think anyone on my side, in their right mind, would sign off on what happened yesterday… seems like way too risky of a proposition… 

I have come to feel that negotiators on my side sometimes become mentally corrupted, or almost always eventually do… must have something to do with being around all of that power and money… power can certainly corrupt, they say that absolute power corrupts absolutely, and I believe it… I’m not exactly sure how these negotiations take place and how much of a chance my enemy has to get inside the negotiator’s heads, or if they just start to become extremely delusional all by themselves… But I feel they sometimes help or try themselves to take a chance at taking me out or maximizing efforts to try and make me kill myself… it’s one of the only options that makes sense inside my head… at least the most positive one, all things considered… 

One time I almost got into a bad accident on the highway when some huge car part or pipe was in the road, can’t remember exactly, but it was way too close for comfort… and I just can’t imagine that people aren’t checking the roads before I go places… heck I think that pretty much every driver on the road is either a professional or at least part of an orchestrated effort… 

I think I am pretty much the only independent variable on the road in many ways… nobody knows exactly how I will act when I come across various situations… part of the reason they want me to stop driving and start getting rides everywhere… stop being on the road as much as possible for that matter… 

So… I think there are some loopholes and some negotiators that can become mentally corrupted… which can put me into potentially dangerous situations at times, they essentially become assassination attempts in a way… in the past they also made me very mad, as I didn’t understand them very well, and also wasn’t in a good place mentally… they are just really bad situations… 

All things considered; I really probably should stop driving… it’s one of the biggest points of weakness in my situation… one of the areas that can be exploited in potentially dangerous ways… Another reason why people would really like me to stop driving… which I think I will stop come New Year’s when my insurance runs out… if everything goes as planned, I might not really ever need a car and to drive again… I was even thinking yesterday, if I become a therapist, I could always get a duplex or something and turn one side into my office or something and just live right next to or above my place of business… I’ll figure it out… I shouldn’t really need one while I am at school either 

This is an example of what the seemingly mundane can turn into in my head though… maybe it was just a random happenstance… in my head the odds are against that though… the odds are greatly against that… still possible, just almost impossible for me to believe… 

Brick & Mortar Dating Websites…

This was an idea I came up with during college… I think it was social psychology, is was in response to a writing prompt for class… that class had such good writing prompts! 

The idea was for Brick & Mortar Dating Websites… I don’t know how well current dating websites will do with how easy it is to lie on them, or even be scammed on them for that matter… I think more and more people will gradually turn away from them… But I still believe in the potential of dating websites to bring a lot of people together, many people would actually prefer websites over traditional meeting methods. 

So… you have a dating website, but it has brick & mortar locations… You go to these locations to sign up for the website and make your profile legit… They verify you are who you really are, they take some of their own pictures, maybe run criminal background checks, etc…  This should make the website much more legit and hopefully safer as well… 

Then you would use the dating website as usual from your home or wherever for that matter… Which, hopefully dating websites get better and better at finding ways of bringing couples together… also safer and safer ways for that matter! 

You get the general idea though… I don’t think it requires too much further explanation… 

Book Club (Predictably Irrational by Dan Ariely): Chapter 10…

Thoughts in order as I was reading along with the chapter…

 

Geez, that study was a lot deeper mentally than I originally thought. Once he got into deep contemplation and started talking about changing the “physiology of the experience itself”, that really gets you thinking.

  • This could make choices difficult even when we are armed with this knowledge. Would help knowing, but it certainly wouldn’t render the information obsolete
  • I am sure marketing is all over this predictably irrational behavior. You could potentially have millions of people like and buy something they wouldn’t have otherwise
  • Ironic I saw something pop up in one of my news feeds about dark psychology that was showing people how to manipulate other people. This could certainly be in!
  • Given information ahead of time could in some ways almost be impossible to not acknowledge or have change your viewpoint.
  • Deep stuff for sure!
  • Can be used for good and bad I suppose… if you’re not being darkly manipulated, it could be nice to think you are drinking the best cup of coffee you ever had… would be nice to feel and taste like everything you had was the best of everything, even if it wasn’t… the “shallow hal” of consumables… I’m sure this can be very prevalent in high society, to even just make someone think it’s the best beforehand can greatly help your cause!

The Priming can speak to the power of having motivational words or quotes on our walls or places we can see them (or hear them).

To go back a page, I was going to add to the stereotypes, that they could also be considered a survival trait as well, not just for making sense of the world. If 4 out of 5 bald people you met were threatening, you would then most likely be weary of bald people, in evolutionary terms you might say for good reason… You know what I am getting at though, we evolved to survive, and detecting threats is part of that… although our internal meters can also often times be thrown off by misinformation, but I will save that for another day.

  • I just think sometimes we fail to realize the evolutionary element and why certain people develop stereotypes… could be their unique life experiences or a group feeding them misinformation or only part of the information, or telling them the information they want them to hear in order to manipulate them… to artificially inflate the numbers and facts to throw off our internal mechanism
  • I like Bobby Fisher and try to give him the benefit of the doubt… maybe he was thinking logically when he was getting bad, but he was thinking logically based off of false and misleading information, putting his trust in the wrong people… which he them developed a delusional version of the world in his head… He probably also suffered from a mental illness or two as well…
  • I bring this up for the sake of understanding…

Powerful stuff, talking about bias’s and major conflicts, arguments, diplomacy, etc…

  • I think some of the bias also comes from fear of being excluded from a group. Agreeing with the opposite side on something can hurt your relations with your people… When I look back at history, I wonder how many leaders agreed with points the other side was making, but they decided they needed to be very strategic… they might otherwise be replaced by someone who didn’t think that way and wasn’t bringing the sides closer to an agreement. The mob rules for sure to a major extent. (not that it also can’t be bad if someone is hiding their true feelings, we like to think our representatives are telling us how they truly feel)
  • Who even knows when two sides do agree to something (peace even) and then have to figure out how they will get their people to understand…

I wonder how much of a difference it would make if Bell played on a sea side boardwalk when people weren’t particularly rushed… I have seen decent crowds form on a boardwalk…

  • I of course get the point… just saying though… on our way to work is not a time to stop for almost any reason for most people, obviously there are some reasons to stop though!

Perhaps I should start believing I am secretly being given the best foods & drinks on the planet for supermarket prices! (Either way it is some of the best food that ever existed by many standards)

  • I tend to favor diners and country restaurants for the most part anyways… I have never seemed to have a palate for the “finer” things in life… I really think in a lot of cases it has to do with the taste buds you are born with probably… I should consider myself lucky for deriving more pleasure from less expensive foods!

Another Trip around the Sun…

Another trip around the sun… 

And so begins my year of recovery… I’m not so sure that I have ever felt so right in my head in my life… All of my thoughts and beliefs seem so logically locked in… The other big factor was achieving World Peace in my head, which I have… It was a very high intense/high stress last 10 to 11 years, a journey that lead me down a path I would have never reasoned imaginable when I was younger… 

 I have actually come a long way mentally the last 3 to 5 years, my mind put me through its own extreme therapy to get me to this point… my mind broke me down to where I was scared to even think a single thought, and then I had to re-learn how to think positively again through a painstaking years long process… I personally think I have entered into more of a PTSD period right now, still a little bit of a fight left to go, one I think can be conquered through some positive thinking, meditating, breathing exercises, etc… as well as taking medications as prescribed… I have hopes that I can make a rather full recovery and regress back to more of my Highschool or College mindset, when I used to live rather care free in an ignorant bliss… 

The plan is to take the year off and live off some savings, then go back to college next fall. Hopefully along the way I will be awarded a scholarship I plan to apply for that is made for schizophrenics trying to re-enter the workforce… I think I fit their mission statement rather well and might make for a good future spokesman if all works out well in the end 😊 But, this year off will be strongly focused on making a strong recovery from my mental problems and hopefully be in a good place to go back and be in a class room setting. I do have high hopes and can see my hard work paying off, I still have problems, but I am going in with the belief that they can be overcome… 

One of the big things I started working on recently, is increasing my belief in God & Heaven… if you read one of my past articles, I actually think we may have evolved to not believe in God & Heaven when we are depressed as it increases our will to live in this universe… I am about 99% belief and 1% dis-belief at this point, the 1% is just a part of my mind that always asks me, but what if your wrong? Just enough to make me question God & Heaven and increase my will to live in this universe… But I want to be 100%… I think I would achieve a new level of happiness and spirituality if I did, would make life feel more real, I always feel partly as if there is a fog over my eyes… I have felt the fog lifted in the past and would like to experience it again, it was the best feeling in the world in a lot of ways… 

I also want to lose my fear of a natural death… death here is not death… to die here, is just to be “teleported” back to heaven… I have been meditating a lot lately with this mantra, that this universe is a battle field, I was teleported here for battle at birth and will be teleported back to heaven at death… to die is just to get an honorable discharge for those with a moral soul… I don’t want to fear cancer, cancer is nothing but early release in many ways, could almost be looked at as something to be celebrated by those in the right mindset… I don’t want to fear going to the hospital and getting “bad news”… death should not be feared in such a way… 

I have been starting to think of heaven as the best version of this universe in many ways… when we look at the potential of our universe and us as humans, that is what I think the home base of heaven might be like, very similar to this earth in many ways… we will experience life in many of the same ways… it helps to think of teleporting to a world and existence that feels very similar, death can much more be equated to falling asleep and waking up… makes it more believable and the transfer of souls less daunting and overwhelming… 

I will probably touch on these topics more in the future and even how I even think suicide should still be looked at as a sin, that is something to be avoided at almost all costs, although I don’t think every suicide will be punished… 

This new year is off to a good start though, hopefully I can keep building on all of my progress and make a full recovery in the near future… I have high hopes and am feeling pretty good for the most part… I think I am even in a good place mentally to take some bad news as well… expect the best and plan for the worst is a good expression… 

On to the next trip around the sun! 

The College Blur…

You may have heard of the college blur, when many people tend to have a hard time remembering a lot of it… this often gets written off by many people as an alcohol induced problem… I myself personally remember next to nothing from college anymore, it’s almost as if I went to school, blacked out and then became conscious after it was over…  

When I try to go back into my college memory, I often feel I can pin point one of the days that it feels like my memory blacked out. It was when I started taking interpersonal communications and they started discussing how to read body language and things like that, I don’t remember a class after that… I hardly remember any class or anything I learned for that matter, there are classes I finished and I thought I dropped and even a class I am not even sure I took… I have a theory about the class I don’t remember whatsoever, but it was called ceramics and I don’t recall a moment of pottery in my college years… it may have been a class though where we did some like abstract sculptures and things like that, that I remember a little. 

The thing is, I don’t think this was alcohol induced… which I did a little drinking on the weekends in college… but I don’t think that is it… I think my brain went into hardwire mode… I tend to believe that my brain was thinking so fast, that it didn’t really take the time to make memories or it was incapable of making long term ones… I went into college with one mindset, went into hardwire mode, and came out a different person after acquiring everything I learned… 

I compare this to our early childhood years, before we have our first memories… If you think back on your life, it was like you just woke up one day knowing how to speak a language and do various tasks… somewhere along the way we are suddenly conscious with this acquired information… You see, while I know our developing brains have something to do with memory, I tend to also believe that we are just learning so fast when we are little and trying to make sense of the world, that our brain doesn’t make long term memories, it may actually hinder the process of hardwiring a lot of information into our brains… 

But, I think college is such an overload of information for a lot of people that they go back into hardwire mode… this happens to people in the trades as well, my friend who is a machinist had a similar experience learning how to program and operate machines, he doesn’t remember learning how to do it almost at all, yet he became and is now an excellent machinist… 

I just personally think there is more at play with this college blur that many people experience and that it shouldn’t be written off as just drinking too much alcohol… I am sure it happens to lots of people that didn’t drink at all as well… 

I tend to have a better recall memory as well… so I might remember more than I know if people got to talking about things… but I think I experienced a rather large hardwiring blur effect though… Then of course our brain is like a computer with limited capacity and only so much access to long term memory, often as new important information comes in our brain has to move some other stuff out… the theory is that our brain might hold on to every memory, but we can only access so much of it… will save that discussion for another day though… 

Interesting thoughts I thought though…  

Did we evolve to not believe in God & Heaven?

I have come to feel that we may have evolved to not believe in God and Heaven… To put it in the simplest terms, if we don’t believe in God & Heaven, we will have a stronger will to live in this Universe… If someone thinks this is the only life we live, we will go to greater lengths to protect it.

Evolution is all about survival, having a strong will to live in this universe makes a lot of sense… It makes sense for surviving in our environment and even protecting us from ourselves… That’s right, in certain terms we should be less suicidal if we don’t think we are going anywhere after this life.

We have actually developed a rather strong will to live… it is why we feel so bad for people that commit suicide; it is a very painful mental process to end up in that situation. It is one of the saddest things in the world in all reality, a very painful process indeed…

It is an evolutionary anti-suicide/anti-depressant to not be able to fully believe in God & Heaven… by this reasoning, the more depressed we are, the harder it may be to truly believe… we may go our whole lives with at least a portion of our mind not being able to fully commit to the belief, no matter how hard we will it…

The will to live also leads us to believe in God & Heaven, it becomes and interesting balancing act… We believe to feel like we will live forever, with beliefs applied to therapy correctly it is a major anti-depressant that can lead many people to happiness, and we instill a belief in society to help control society and help make us safe. We like the idea of everyone believing that there is a God of Justice watching over us, that we should act in moral ways less we be punished or discarded. I always say that the more you take God out of the world, the more a person or a group has to act like God here on Earth…

As we are happy or depressed, we can move along the scale of belief and dis belief. I myself have come to feel 99% belief and 1% disbelief, there always seems to be this 1% that says, but what if your wrong? To keep me just enough in disbelief to give me the extra will to live. Which is good… I hope to be so happy one day that I can 100% commit to belief.

I really think this is an evolutionary device though. I think our brains are wired like this and designed to not allow us to fully believe… our mind wants that will to live in this Universe…

In ancient human history, maybe lots of people did commit suicide and didn’t propagate… All the different mindsets that could easily move one to suicide may have evolved out of us, one of which would be truly believing in God & an Afterlife. A mental path that has been blocked or strongly fortified by our minds.

Interesting to think about anyways… could explain a lot of things in all reality… could also be useful knowledge for all our spiritual journeys… many implications…

I just hope this doesn’t increase anyone’s will to commit suicide… there is help out there and your life has purpose in ways you may never realize in this life!

An mmorpg first-person shooter game… I think a lot of people would like it…

I have an interesting idea for an mmorpg shooter game… 

You have zones like many different mmorpg games, but each zone is a different theme for the most part… can have western, space, modern, jungle, fantasy, etc… that battle ground in each area, or shooter game stays within that areas theme… so when you have a new expansion every year, it would be a new theme, but you would still have all the old zones as well. 

Then you would have like the open areas like other mmorpg’s, places to run around, hang out in social areas… hang out in bars or pool halls or whatever… maybe even have housing like in EQ2 or something of that nature… maybe could even have questlines and thing like that for your character to do… 

You get the general idea though… but one that would allow a person to roleplay more and socialize in unique ways… In EQ2 I refer to my character as my avatar in an alternate universe… 

I think a lot of people might like something like these though, I think it could really take off… an mmorpg mixed with a first-person shooter game… 

Something to think about and have fun imagining!