I have been living too much in the future recently…

I have been living too much in the future recently, I feel the future. I travel to the future in my mind and feel pain and depression that does not exist yet or may not ever even exist… 

Depression hit me pretty hard this New Year’s… I am almost embarrassed by some of the thoughts that come out of me and that I go on to share. I think it helps me to survive though, sometimes you just want to feel like you are being heard. Plus, I just find my blogging rather therapeutic in many ways. So, thanks for sticking around through some of the craziness. Trying to get my mind back under control, I was actually doing rather well right up until about New Year’s Day and then it was like my mind couldn’t hold back my negative thoughts anymore, it sure did try though. 

When I am really depressed the thought of working just feels so unbearable… Then my brain starts looking for when I will have to work next and how to avoid it. It’s also some old bad mental habits just dying hard.  

I just started hyper focusing on my life after I get done with school and when I must re-enter the workforce. School can be stressful, but it doesn’t compare to other forms of labor. Like I have said before, sometimes brushing my teeth can be exhausting and I rather dread having to vacuum once a week. So, I was just panicking about working again. That is a bit of an aha moment honestly, that when I am depressed, I jump right to thinking about work. I could start thinking of some mental tricks to help me next time it hits me really hard again. That is one of that last really depressive thought lines I still have. I no longer really get depressed or stressed about my past, I just get depressed thinking about my future when I am depressed. 

When I really think about it, I shouldn’t be too depressed about work in the future. I will figure something out. Not to mention, there is a good chance I will be in a better place mentally by then if I keep working on myself. I have been thinking about how I probably will still only need to work 3 hours a day or so when I get done with school, because I don’t have many expenses. I feel like there is a good chance I will find some employer looking for someone that only wants to work a little part time. I think I will be alright when I really think about it, just have to trust that things will work out. And who knows, maybe I will get some chance to make my little coffee shop or something else may come a long. This needs to be like my mantra for the next couple years and for when I fall back into little depressive periods. 

Hopefully now I can get back to the present moment. Will have to start being more mindful throughout the days for sure. I have to go back to being deliberate in my mindfulness… 

“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”…

I am not really sure what I think will come of this Blog anymore… Where I think it will go or how I will make money from it. I have a hard time imagining I will ever get enough daily views to be able to get enough from advertising to pay my monthly costs of living… I suppose I hope maybe some people might pay me to make art or I will start selling some books or something. I guess I will just see where it goes and adjust accordingly if things ever change. It is more just a hobby at this point, and that is probably the best perspective to take. I hate getting my hopes up about things to then have them come crashing down, best to get in the right mindset.  

Part of me hopes one day I am going to wake up some morning and see that it has went viral or something although that is quite the pipe dream… that would probably be the most optimal, what a wild ride that would be. 

It is still a fun hobby even if I don’t get many if any views… if you know my beliefs, practically the whole world is already reading this and enjoying my posts and art. Although I think most everyone is mad that I am in this situation… There is just this great barrier between me and the real world, this upbringing/initiation/bet I am in… I just have to imagine what the world thinks of my work in a way, plus I get some feedback through various other means. I just receive no compensation for my efforts. 

I am positive I have worked out the logic to prove the existence of God… to me that is Nobel Prize winning stuff… surely something that would be shared or go viral… I literally haven’t heard one thing about it yet. I heard a little about my first article “A case for God”, but have heard nothing about my subsequent posts. It just doesn’t make logical sense at all to me that my blog posts aren’t shared, it has to be something else. It can be pretty depressive honestly. I still find it so hard to believe some of the rules of my situation that “my side” agreed to, supposedly good people. It is all just so insane; I have a hard time understanding the rules in general. It’s almost impossible for me to ever feel and live comfortably within the rules, very frustrating. Like I like to say at times, if I had a magic button that would take me to Heaven, I would have been gone a long time ago. As it stands, I have an unbelievably strong will to live here… dare I say unfortunately… 

Part of me still hopes in a way that if I can’t succeed on being smart… that some other angle is still marketable… can I succeed being the Schizophrenic Artist? Can I succeed on Pity? Can I succeed being the Schizophrenic living in his own crazy world and people find it fascinating? Not looking too good though, I have gone down this path before… this is most likely some last remnants of wishful thinking on my part… Especially considering I was denied disability, that wasn’t a good sign for many different angles… 

I think I am essentially required to do some labor no matter how much it pains me… I was thinking about that a lot today. Hopefully if I have to, I may be able to find some part time work that isn’t too hard on me after I finish school… which is still two years away… that is just how much I fear work though for the most part, that I am so worried about it two years away and unable to enjoy being in the present moment… 

Been a bit of a depressive New Years, so that is probably another reason why I am clinging to the hope of something coming from this blog and my art. When I am depressed and imagine working, it’s a bit of a nightmare. I don’t know why I haven’t given up hope on this blog and my art yet honestly, I have been trying to make this work for about a decade now in various forms, each time with similar results… 

I decided to even make a Facebook ad again… probably a waste of money like usual… but for a dollar a day, I suppose there is some chance of something working out… I have no way of knowing for sure what the rules of my situation are or how they may change… maybe both sides will agree to some new crazy story line for my life or something… 

The dollar a day in advertising at least signifies the potential of something different everyday… a new person it could reach, a new potential story line. I was kind of doing the same thing every day and hoping things would change… which there is of course that famous quote, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”. Which, considering my history in chasing down this pipe dream, I may have already entered into the insanity territory despite trying to advertise again… 

This post just turned into quite the rant, one of those days I guess… 

A new draft system for professional sports teams…

A while back I had an idea for restructuring sports teams and the draft to make teams consistently more fair year after year… 

The idea is that every so many years, let’s say 3 to 5, every player gets put back into a draft and teams pick their players. A little like the old playground days when we were younger. Then in-between you would still have the normal draft every year. 

The pay scale could be based off when players get picked in the draft. I am not exactly sure how you would handle trading in between major drafts, but I am sure the league could think of something. 

I just think this would make teams much fairer and would make for much better competition as well. Plus, you could avoid when players collaborate to make super teams and the like. 

Seems a logical way to do things… my opinion anyways, something to think about. 

Nothing ventured, nothing gained…

I am somewhat comfortable these days, but my comfort feels like it is on a limited timeline. For the next couple years I will be in school, and I enjoy school in some ways, although I wish I was only taking one class a semester. I like school enough, and feel it is important enough to my well-being, that I was planning on taking a class every semester even if I got disability. It is a bit of a happy place for me, and I think that my brain was trained in a way for school. It was all my brain really knew for 20 something years. And, being a very habitual person that requires routine, and believing I have autism, I just think my brain is wired for school and that it helps with my overall mental well-being. 

So, the next couple years will be pretty good, except for already worrying about what I will do when I get done with school. I am very scared to have to try and do a normal job again. Like I have discussed before, stress is very bad for me. When I have to work and when I get stressed, I get rather severe depression and all that goes along with it. I don’t just feel like I have depression though, to me it feels like I am under attack. It feels like people are trying to make me kill myself. It can just take me to a dark place mentally. It turns into a horrible existence. Managing my stress level has become a very important part of my life. Also, there isn’t much grey area to my moods, I am either like the happiest person in the world or one of the most depressed people in the world. It’s tough for sure. Looking back over my life, I see how I have actually been like that my whole life, but I was rather good at avoiding stress most my life. My condition has also gotten much worse in general though. When I was younger, I never really felt like I had a disability or anything. Now I truly feel like a bit of a mental patient and that I have a disability. It is very much a part of everyday life. 

So, where am I going with this conversation? The comfort level and the impending end of this comfortable situation… 

Mentally, I am in an alright place right now and I don’t want to disturb that. But I have to start making some moves to hopefully provide myself with a comfortable lifestyle in the future. I would love if this Blog and making my art was somewhat successful. I really don’t need too much to live comfortably, I am a rather simple person in that way. I find joy in many of the simple pleasures in life. 

The thing is, if I want the blog to be successful, I will need to start promoting it and sharing it more. This could disrupt my current comfort level. I worry about what my friends and family might think or say. What will happen when I invite more people into my world? Will friends think I am crazy and not want to hang out with me anymore? Will family make comments that upset me or make me feel embarrassed or ashamed? What might I have to go through? Who knows what might happen? Perhaps not much, in the past when I branched out, nothing much came of it.  

I originally thought my story and all my ideas would spread like wildfire and that I would be successful, but that did not happen. I am not sure how successful I will become or how fast it will happen. The thing I worry about more in some ways is disrupting my current lifestyle and making it worse. Although I have learned to fly solo pretty well over the years. It was not easy, especially being a very social person. The last year or so has been the best of the last decade or so, finally talking and hanging out with a couple people pretty regularly. Guess I am just afraid of losing that potentially. 

I have to give this Blog a real chance though if I would like to live comfortably and happily in the future. Will have to put myself out there and invite more people in. Thinking of sharing a post to my Facebook Family & Friends in the near future and starting to advertise a bit. Have to go for it, like I said, I feel like my current comfort is on a limited timeline if I don’t make some moves. 

Nothing ventured, nothing gained…  

A Case for God…

For us to exist, there must be something that has always existed. You hear the age-old argument: well, if there is a God, where did he come from? Well, if you continue to ask that question, well then, where did that come from? Next answer, then where did that come from? It would be an absolutely endless question with no beginning.

So, you conclude that it must have started somewhere. But, now you have something that started it, but didn’t come from anywhere and has no beginning. Thus, concluding, that for us to exist, there must be something that has always existed, and that there is actually no beginning of time.

Now you take that logical undeniable truth and we can conclude that we are actually in a different dimension and that at least 2 dimensions exist, or that we live in a dimension with no time (base state of existence), but the big bang created a sense of time by setting in motion perpetual motion.

Because…

In a dimension that has no beginning of time, it is not that it doesn’t have an endless past, it is that it doesn’t have a past or a future. It is just in a state of existence. Your mind’s memory only perceives a future and a past.

In a state of existence (or as I like to call, “base state of existence”), you can only alter the pre-sent, the only time you live in. So, anything you create cannot fade because no time passes. So, the fact is we live in a dimension where all things fade (it only takes one); we can’t live in the base state of existence. But the base state of existence must exist.

Thus, concluding that there are at least 2 different dimensions.

Or, we could live in the base state of existence, and the big bang has created “time” within a section of our dimension.

Now…

The base state of existence is the foundation of existence… and within it, because no time passes, it is always in the present tense—there is no past or future. Technically, nothing should function in the base state of existence because there is no catalyst. In life as we know it, energy is the catalyst of life.

I would argue that anything that could function without time, and that always existed, would be God. So, either energy is God or a creation of God. I personally argue for the latter.

Interesting thing to think about… If we are in a different dimension, you might wonder what could even cause energy to function. In an alternate dimension other than the base state of existence, time may be a catalyst. If you think of time like a waterfall that powers a power plant, we may flow through time, or time may flow through us, creating friction and causing energy to function…

Some fun things to think about anyways!

Season’s Greetings… My Christmas Card to Everyone

I don’t really have many, if any people to send a Christmas Card to. So, I thought it would be fun to do one as a Blog post. Plus, I kind of let my thoughts fly on the blog, not sure I would do that sending it to family & friends. Will make a blog post to the world, including family and friends, but won’t do a traditional Christmas card in that fashion… Perhaps I am worried about the response I might get or something. I think one of these days soon though I may show my logic on why God exists to a friend and see if they are allowed to deny it or see what happens… then ask a question like, would the person that Proves God exists win a Nobel Prize or some kind of award or something? Perhaps get at least one comment about it from someone? Then conclude the conversation with… so can one other person on this planet acknowledge that I am screwed then? It would be interesting to find out where that conversation would go… perhaps in the very near future… If people just play it off like it is common knowledge or something, I might ask why we aren’t teaching it in school or why I haven’t heard of it before?… would think it would be a major part of every religion that preaches God’s existence… Rather than saying, believe in God, they could say it is a logical fact that God exists… 

Anyways… So, these cards will normally talk about what the person has been up to this year correct? 

I started back to school this fall after a little hiatus after seeing if some other things might work out. School has been going well and I have been enjoying classes for the most part. Was a little fried by the end of the semester, so winter break is going to be nice. I really like being in sociology, as it really clicks with the way my brain works a lot. I like to consider it a modern-day philosophy in a way or an amalgamation of many of the liberal arts fields. My mental health has been making a lot of improvements. While I still very much feel like a mental health patient, and truly feel the schizophrenia (and autism I believe), I am much less depressed and my overall thinking is much better. I don’t have many depressive thoughts and enjoy life for the most part currently. I still have some days here and there and occasionally a week, but I do feel like my old self in some ways, which is nice. 

I got back into Everquest 2 recently, which has been nice. Helps keep me busy, I like having my little avatar in an alternate universe. It can really feel like a home away from home at times. I tend to really immerse myself in the game and play it a bit like the sims. My game life can be much more exciting than my real life at times and with much more to do. Plus, something like working in the game, feels completely different than work in real life. I am not sure how to explain it, real life work tends to really stress me out and isn’t good, but working in the game feels like the right amount of work and helps me feel good and somewhat productive. I feel like I put in a good day’s work in the game sometimes if that makes sense, and without compromising my mental health which is very nice. So, getting back into eq2 has been good. 

I still have the news on all day for the most part, I try to watch all the different networks. Can feel like changing channels between worlds sometimes, that’s for sure. Hard to believe everyone is living on the same planet. I honestly still don’t really believe a lot of what I see in the news, still think it is like an elaborate soap opera in a lot of ways. That is generally how I watch it, like a soap opera, although it can be hard to not get sucked in a little sometimes. I do think sometimes we tackle important issues along the way though, even if it is made up for the most part. Not even sure what I still think about this whole Covid-19 thing. Don’t get me wrong, I still treat it like its real and wear my mask and everything, will get the vaccine when it becomes available. I still comment on events and things to my friend like it’s all real. But I can’t at times wonder if it isn’t all still some elaborate hoax for a viewing audience of one. Just some things really make me wonder. It’s interesting in my head, feeling like I am living in an interactive soap opera for the most part. Everyone in the world acting, from my family and friends to my fellow citizens I see on TV. 

I just can’t believe it is all real… to go back to the first paragraph, I know I proved God’s existence… I literally haven’t heard one comment about it since, in my mind that would be world altering information. So, those two things can’t coexist in my mind that way. I can’t have done something world altering and then not seen the world altered in any way at all, not even my immediate world. In my head it all has to be this interactive soap opera I am in. My thoughts haven’t changed much at all in that regard… still think I am on camera 24/7, still think everything is wiretapped or bugged, think all my school work is shared, still think I am interacting with people I see on the news and other live television, etc… think I am known by the whole world and am just still in this initiation/bet or whatever… living in my interactive soap opera where most everything is staged… I am just waking up and walking through a play every day… Am I crazy to think that it is weird that no one has shared this blog or my books or anything? Based on everything I have ever seen; many would have eaten all this up for sure… but instead it is crickets… 

Tis a wild life for sure… still trying to strive though… 

One last thing… I did a degree plan for school in which I talked about my goals and such and what I wanted to do with my degree, etc… one of the things I talked about was using my degree to have a successful blog, write articles, opinion pieces, books, etc… So, my mentor has put into my degree plan writing for new media, another similar class, and blogging… I found this interesting and somewhat hopeful… I sometimes tend to believe some of the rules of my situation are that I can only really do things that I achieved the “right way” or you might call it the “hard way”… to say that if I was going to be good at business, I would have to graduate with a business degree… The world would never be able to admit that I am smart or gifted… I wonder if I have to always follow certain channels that many have to do… all part of my crazy agreed upon upbringing in my insane situation… So, I am kind of hoping if I graduate and take these classes, if I follow what they say to the T in a way, if I may be able to succeed in those areas… Perhaps I can have a successful sociology blog if I graduate with a degree in sociology and take blogging classes? Maybe anyways… A little bit of hope… There may be other rules about not being popular and things like that, I don’t know… It is all so insane… 

That’s where I am at these days anyways. A key takeaway is that I am rather happy these days, so that is good. Sorry if you are not happy right now and hope you are soon. Didn’t want to rub it anyone’s face right now or anything, especially with people “losing their jobs” and all the other “covid-19” related issues… among all other life struggles… but I was very depressed for many years, so that is big for me… Plus with my condition, there really isn’t any in-between… I am either like the happiest person on the planet or one of the most depressed people on the planet… 

Anyways, Guess I will end it here… 

Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas! 

A prison meant specifically for Police Officers…

After watching and listening to many people talk over the last few months about police reform, I think I have one possible thing that could help. An Idea I had a number of years ago, a prison meant specifically for police officers… 

I still think dirty cops or cops that have flagrant misconduct should go to regular prison, as I would consider them not really cops and that they broke their oath. But cops that may accidently break procedure or something like that should have a separate prison to go to in my opinion. A lot of times they may have done almost everything right except for one split moment that may result in the life of someone or what have you. But I do think there should be punishment when a procedure or protocol is broken though. 

I just don’t think the punishment often fits the crime when sending police officers to regular prison. We all know it will be more dangerous for them in there as well as how dangerous prisons already are. I think a good compromise is having a prison specifically for police officers… I am not saying it should be club fed or anything like that, but a place where the punishment is more suited to the crime or violation of protocol. 

I really think you would also see a lot more convictions of wrongdoing by police officers as well. I feel juries would feel much better sending them to a prison specifically designed for themA key statement I like to use is Punishment fitting the crime. 

I think overall this is a good compromise, and a good way of still having police officers’ backs. You can support the police and still feel that some need to be punished at times for certain things. It would be a good way of helping police the police as well, as I do see some issues with lack of oversight and independent review. Hopefully it could be a good step forward. 

An idea that may help out the Incel community a bit…

Last year I was introduced to the incel community, which I had never previously heard of. They have gotten a lot of attention due to some of the more extremist views of some of their members, among other incidents. At the base of community is some legitimate concerns though and I can understand why many become depressed. The idea of starting an incel community was actually a really good idea in my opinion and still is. It got out of hand, but if done right could be a very good thing for a lot of people. 

One of the concerns of many of the members, if not the biggest concern, is when you are only attracted to highly attractive people. They are just wired that way and most probably wish they weren’t. Wouldn’t everybody love to find everybody physically attractive? There is no “lowering the bar” for these people, they find it impossible to be attracted to people deemed not highly attractive. They would rather be depressed and single then be with someone that they don’t find attractive in their mind. It really has nothing to do with being shallow, it is more something evolved into them. It becomes a big concern if you have trouble attaining one of these women or men for various reasons, one of those reasons could be the persons own looks. It can become a very depressive situation for these individuals. This happens to both males and females. 

I got to thinking about possible solutions and I think I came up with an interesting one that might be worth a try and could help a lot of people... virtual dating with a bit of a twist… 

Being someone that always thinks eternally and about heaven… I think of how we will all look however we want when we get to heaven, that what we have now are just temporary biological shells. My idea for virtual dating draws from that concept. The idea is that you will join this dating website, which I think you should have to get a prescription from a mental health counselor to join and will be highly regulated to make sure it is not being misused and such. But you will join this website and choose a model as your avatar so to speak, or how you want to look when you get to heaven. All members of the dating community will choose their model avatars and have virtual relationships using their model’s pictures and videos and such. You guys will still text and talk and whatever else, but your relationship will be based off of how you plan to look someday. You will continue the relationship in this fashion for as long as you like or until you die. Get virtually married if you want to. 

It will be a purely virtual relationship so to speak. I honestly think it will be good for a lot of people. I think you can have very healthy, committed, and serious relationships virtually. I also think that people can have very healthy sex lives virtually and that physical sex is overrated here on Earth. The models in my opinion should be seen as sex therapists in a way, helping a lot of people live a better life. There would be a strong commitment to protecting all the models privacy. I really think they would be doing some of God’s work though 

That is the basic idea though, people having virtual relationships using models as avatars so to speak. Just getting ahead of living in heaven a bit, why wait right? I really think this could be good for a lot of people and these would be serious relationships that would hopefully become normalized in our society. It should also be a lot more regulated than the sites we are used to where anybody can just sign up and cause all sorts of problems. I think prescriptions could be a good idea and really going above and beyond to verify identities and things like that. I don’t want any people trying to use other people for various reasons or abuse the model’s identities. 

Something to think about anyways… it is honestly something I would most likely do if I was in that mental situation. 

The not so useless, “useless degrees”…

I was inspired to write this after speaking with my college mentor. We have to take a unique class at our university in which one part will be describing what we may plan to do with our degree. How will this degree help you succeed at life? What can we do within the field? How do you intend to make a living with this degree?

One of the problems with the way my own mind works, is that all the disciplines I am good at tend to be considered useless degrees by many people… Perhaps not useless to a small percentage in the field, but many that get these degrees aren’t necessarily learning a trait or specific skill set that is extremely useful in the workforce. Some degrees are pretty much only directly useful if you plan to be a college professor. Which doing a little simple math and thinking of the ratio of professors to students and the rate at which teachers retire, a very small percentage of students in these fields will become professors.

I can definitely see why some come to the conclusion that these degrees are useless to a large extent or that it is all a lost cause in a way. They can be especially damaging if you take out a large student loan and don’t really learn any specific skills that will lead to a high paying job. It is part of the big conundrum of the college cost debate… there is certainly a failure of the college/college expense system in this area. Do we just decide not to give out loans for certain degrees? Should certain degrees cost less to get? If we were to pay for free college as a country, would we want these degrees to be included? Are we really getting a good bang for our buck? Should the number of students accepted into the field be cut way down? If we cut the number down the cost per student would go up… Tough questions for sure…

I think I will give a crack at defending these degrees…

I shall open my argument by bringing up a rather controversial figure in history, Diogenes. He lived his life as a beggar for the most part, but is considered one of the most influential philosophers of all time. His work inspired many people, including kings, as his teachings were built upon over the years. Many philosophers were from rich families or had rich contributors, which of course others found other means. But when philosophers only come from one class of people, one area of the working world, or are only one type of person for that matter, we only get a very narrow vision of the world. Do we only want to teach future generations from only a few different worldviews and experiences?

I think I actually like the idea of many of these more social science minded people becoming cashiers, baristas, machine operators, factory workers, managers, bosses, journalist, small business owners, etc… These people will learn certain ways of thinking about and analyzing the world and use that to influence the world around them for their entire lives. They will write blogs, books and articles about their experiences. They will share knowledge with all the people they come in contact with… they will be able to give people advice and be good therapist friends to those that need it and can’t or won’t talk to anyone else. They will join historical societies and help preserve and write history. They will be voters… They will help build a rich culture and deeper understanding of our world. Maybe one will affect a few people and maybe one will affect millions or billions.

I don’t think everyone needs a job within that field in order for it to be effective and have a large impact on the world. There really isn’t any down side to being educated and being a bit more specialized in a field that speaks to you. The one downside might be some potentially enlarged egos from feeling a little overly smart from having advanced education.

I do think these fields are unique in that way though, that we shouldn’t necessarily just look at numbers like the number of people with a degree that now have jobs that don’t require that degree or a degree in general and think that is such a bad thing. That degree may prove useful to the world in many other ways…

I am going to school for sociology… I will be a sociologist my whole life regardless of what job I have after. I will live a life of purpose while sharing my thoughts and ideas from my own unique perspective. I will continue to learn and try to understand the world around me. I will try to make the world a better place… How effective I am, I will let history decide…

There is a butterfly effect to everything in life…