Right from the beginning of my schizophrenic episodes, I didn’t want to believe that I had schizophrenia. I always felt things were being done to me, not that I had a mental disease, I felt there was logical explanations that didn’t involve mental illness. I felt it was a way for everybody to right off why everything was happening to me as part of the initiation/bet, that they were just going to say I had schizophrenia. So, I fought that title for many years, never going to a therapist or anything, figuring that if I did, it would just mess up my mind more.

I really never experienced much metacognition to begin with, didn’t spend much time wondering about how I thought. Always felt I was rather average. Eventually when I started to realize I was in this very unique position, I realized that I may be smarter than previously thought, people seemed to listen to me and really like my ideas, and a friend of mine one day even let it slip that I was very smart. Then I started to believe in myself and start using my brain, although everything still comes somewhat simple to me in end conscious result. Eventually everything really started taking off in my brain and I would follow many different paths of logic until their end result. To begin with, I had to figure out what was happening in my life without anybody directly telling me anything, I came to realize that, that in itself was a rather difficult task.

Economics was a very fun venture, with perfect capitalism coming at the near end result, I could definitely expand on it further, but the general outline is in there, a good starting point. But, it seemed that people would only have a few remarks about it or say nothing at all, I felt if there was some big problems with it, people would quickly point them out, especially considering my situation, he evil side would gladly love to put my ideas to shame to make me feel bad. Plus, naming something like perfect capitalism manifesto, using the word perfect really makes people want to try and find anything they can wrong with it, so by publishing it and waiting to hear the feedback, many other people really did the fact checking and number crunching for me, by trying to prove it wrong any way they could, they were proving it right. So, I have yet to hear any bad remarks about it, all these years later.

But, as this was all going on, and I felt we were also getting closer and closer to world peace, and the vast majority of society were starting to become enlightened and enjoying life more, with a more general sense of inner peace, I started to think, I must have autism or something, to explain this. Some people would even mention that I really had no clue how smart I actually was…

Plus as the years went on, I started having more anxiety and symptoms of autism. I have to live a very habitual life to keep things in order, if I change much of my daily routine, it doesn’t take much to start having withdrawal or mood swings. I eat the same thing at the same time for the most part, exercise the same amount everyday, same amount of coffee. If I add something or remove something over the course of the week, I will notice changes. Plus I have to eat healthy or I start getting all sorts of different sensations. My brain really has me trained to maintain an optimal level. I will talk more about this in the future.

Anyways, I felt I had high functioning autism and not schizophrenia, but my psychiatrist seemed rather adamant about me having schizophrenia, but would not confirm or deny if I had autism. Then I came across an article in psychology today that theorized that a number of savants in history most likely suffered from schizophrenia and autism, it was like the schizophrenia allowed them to think very abstractly to even the delusional extent, capable of conceiving outlandish ideas, but the autism at the same time, allowed them to apply logic to what they were thinking, and make sense of it all in a way. So it is a little like walking around tripping all time (which they think schizophrenia is caused in large part by too much dopamine), but being able to make sense of all the craziness at the same. Plus, I think my mind operates pretty fast in general, it loves following paths of logic or having problems to solve, and hates when it has nothing to do. I even noticed in my sleep, that my brain gives itself problems and puzzles to solve, but it is weird, because it is all nonsense that only makes sense within the parameters of my sleep. I have caught myself half asleep solving these logic problems and thinking so fast and then I would wake only to think, not of that made any real sense at all. My brain has made like its only language and programs to run while I sleep to get its fix it would seem.

So after I read that article, a lot of my life seemed to make sense after that in a way. To even realize the situation I was in, I didn’t need just logic, but also the ability to think in a delusional way to even fathom what was going on. Plus, it helps me come up with many new and interesting ideas.

I even told my friends the other day when we were talking about drugs a bit. I said, they are no good for me anymore, I don’t even have a beer once in a while anymore, even one occasionally will mess with my anxiety. But, in theory I am already high all the time anyways.

I was going to make a funny meme one day using a scene from the avengers when captain america asks bruce banner to get angry, and bruce says, that’s the secret, I’m always angry.

Which I thought of somebody saying to me, I think it is time for you to get high, and I say, that’s the secret, I’m high all the time…

So I have learned to finally accept the title of schizophrenic after all of these years, but I also think I have high functioning autism…

I personally believe I am a savant…

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