Today was a pretty good, got my new chromebook for one thing, which I am excited about. I have definitely decided I will try and go all in on this journalism and blogging adventure. I think within the confines of the initiation/bet it may have promise, it may not take off until after I graduate and am technically qualified for the position… but I am going to start this now and continue doing it until then and beyond, hopefully maybe things may take off a bit sooner. As said before, I think it could be good for me therapeutically as well.
You may even say I have been a little too excited the last couple of days. My brain has found its own interesting ways of bouncing back from a deeper depression. Which a few days ago I was pretty down and depressed because of some things, namely I am still getting use to a life of more social isolation, I am definitely a social animal, that likes to be around friends and family, especially friends in some situations, cause I can act differently and more myself with them. So, I get depressed when I get bored and lonely and want to hang out with people, but nobody wants (can) hang out. Sometimes especially after I do get to hang out with a friend or friends and have a really good time, I want more of that feeling, so then when I can’t arrange another get together for a while or no one seems to want to talk, I can get very depressed. But, am gradually getting better adjusted to the lifestyle.
But, back to the over excitement, I had a brief period of time in my life when I did a little drug experimentation, and am one of the lucky ones to come out of the other end without any serious addictions or anything like that. Which of course I don’t recommend drugs, but will talk about that later. I bring that up because I had tried cocaine a handful of times, but I think I was meant to try it, because I think it helped me survive this initiation/bet. My brain I think in part from my experimentation, figured out a way to mimic the drug. When I get really really depressed, my brain starts trying to figure out anything thought or thing that will make me happy, so say in the midst of the depression I find a few happy thoughts or something that makes me laugh or gets me excited, which my brain will dig deep into its reserve to find something thing that does the trick. But, what my brain does, is it will take that happy thought or idea that makes me excited and releases a little bit of dopamine, and it will just repeat the thought or thoughts over and over and over, giving me many and many little shots of dopamine, until I end up feeling like I am in a somewhat cocaine induced state, to describe how it feels….
I am not that big of a fan of the feeling anymore, would rather just be chill 24/7, but it does pick me up out of my deep depression, but it comes at the cost of the crash at the other end of the thing, just like crashing from cocaine. Perhaps even a bit of a withdrawal type feeling, which can them make be edgy or depressed and perhaps the whole cycle will repeat itself…. but eventually as I have gotten consistently less and less depressed I have fewer and fewer of these instances. But, I think it was very important in helping me to survive to this point, I sometimes think, there can’t be many people that have thought about killing themselves more than me that didn’t actually go through with it.
So, today has been one of those days, a little to excited for my taste, and will probably crash from it, in the next day or two, but it is better than wanting to kill myself I suppose.
I would like to go on record saying that I definitely wouldn’t recommend cocaine for treating depression, it would certainly most likely make any depressed person’s situation much worse… my mind just figured out its awn way of administering its own drug sometimes to help me out…. It is a very interesting phenomenon indeed…
But, that was my day in general today…. excited about this new blog and venture, but a little too excited I should say.
Also, I went and got a library card today, was thinking I may go there sometimes to write and check out books for a little change of atmosphere, plus there is a little coffee shop right across the way to make it all the more enticing, also worth noting the ice cream stand next to that!