I have calmed myself a bit from this morning, actually think I may make myself a cup of coffee…
But, I got asked by my father to deliver parts today, a destination about 40-45 minutes away. The feelings that rushed over me over the course of the next couple hours, almost made me want to tear up a little bit. People have sold me so much on the idea that I shouldn’t be driving anywhere and driving as little as possible. Of course, this is in my “schizophrenic world”, where I feel I am a king and head of a church, among various other titles…
But, I was sold on the idea I was too important a bit, or in too important of a position to be putting my life on the line, driving myself around. People telling me not to deliver parts, which routes to take to and from work, telling me not to just drive for leisure, don’t drive on holidays, etc… Eventually as I have narrowed my box and conformed to what people wanted… Driving started to feel dangerous, like every time I left home, we are all on edge a bit that I make it to my destination safely. Eventually leaving home on a 15-mile trip felt like this monumental occurrence… I don’t just feel like I am not driving outside of town anymore just to appease people, but, I am uncomfortable driving that far now as well.
Being a bit of a pessimist, it’s almost like I go into a longer drive, thinking the odds are greater I will crash than make it. I also keep thinking it is inevitable I will get cancer or something… would just seem appropriate given my situation, I think it would be terrifying and exciting at the same time, I truly can’t wait to be in heaven, just not looking forward to that little 15-minute trip there, but I will talk about death in more detail later.
But, the driving ends up in this situation where I and a lot of the world doesn’t like me driving. They become like very intense situations in my mind… I picture a lot of people getting very upset. People not just mad at our enemies, but, also the leaders of our side, because they made a deal that involved me driving… risking my life… Especially this last one, will be like 3-4 days in a row driving for an hour and a half to two hours. It also gets a bit high traffic near the end of my destination.
So, today I felt was probably an intense day, I think a lot is on the line if I die, plus people don’t want me to die for other reasons… I assume this driving idea was paid for, probably very expensive… they don’t technically force me to leave, but when I am told they are very important delivery’s and my dad is stressing, yadda yadda, I feel I have no choice. But, I say to myself, either, my enemy can spend so much to ask me to drive somewhere, also involving how important the job is and how to turn it down… or people in charge think it is worth me driving so far, rather than having them spend the money on other things.
I imagine they have saved up a huge pile of money and that my side is trying to find a way to extract it as painlessly as possible… Or perhaps, they just spent money to ask me and everyone was hoping I would actually turn the offer down… But, some situations it is just do hard for me to say no, I have to still go along with the act in my own way.
I also wonder if perhaps my enemies may be getting a little desperate… trying things to make me give up on this endeavor or get as much pain in as they can before this actually works out for me… Because if I can start working from home, I won’t be driving much at all, plus I won’t really have any major reasons to convince me as well. Plus, I seem to be getting more generally happy as time goes on.
But, today hurt a bit, because so much rushes over me… it also hurts because I recently told everyone I don’t really like driving anymore… so it is a bit painful from many different angles. Mad to be asked with to begin with, It, can be stressful when people don’t act like they know anything, thinking how everyone else will be mad, etc… It just sets off many negative emotions, but I fought them off pretty fast today. A time ago I would have been yelling the whole way there and back… Which, I might add, other things said today made me think they are trying to get me back to my venting and angry days. Trying anyways.
This is one of the interesting blogs I write… because I write this from the position that everything I have come to believe is true for the most part, this is just the journal of a man going through this crazy initiation/bet. But, the way everything has to come back to me, in keeping with the rules… these are the ramblings of a deeply schizophrenic man… Someone very deep in his delusions…
C’est la vie…
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