The Proverbial Wink…

I am not sure I used the word proverbial correctly, I have heard it used a number of times and it seemed to fit nicely in my mind. How do we even come to use so many words? We probably take guesses at a lot of words until we know it fits through various means… anyways… 

My situation can be so frustrating, I use the term proverbial wink because everybody around me acts like they don’t know anything, or that I am not a savant, that none of this is happening, they don’t read this, etc… But, then at the same time it feels like people are always winking at me. They wink through their eyes and other means as a sign that they are in on the whole thing, that they believe me, that it is all true, this is all just an initiation/bet you are in… 

It is hard for me to then have to find my place within the confines of the initiation/bet. Because I have to learn to go along with the act in my own way, it is particularly frustrating, because so many illogical things happen in mind, the way things happen or don’t happen, what people say… While I have to find a way through the ruse, there also just seems to be overlying rules and regulations.  

Like, I may come up with an idea that I know is a billion-dollar idea, I know everybody wants to do it, and I know all my friends want to be a part of it on even a local level… but, then it goes no-where, none of my big ideas can work out, it must be because of some rule of the thing that people can’t show me that I am really smart. I think it is the same reason I can’t be officially diagnosed with high functioning autism, it would imply in a way that I am exceptional in some way. But, apparently part of this initiation and my entire life, that my intelligence must remain hidden from me. 

Which, then I have to find something that can’t show I am really smart and go along with the rules of the initiation/bet… but also has to go along with the ruse, they are intertwined. Then a big issue for me, is also finding something that doesn’t make me want to kill myself. I still suffer a lot from anxiety and things at a work environment, I really would prefer and be happy working from home. But, is it possible? 

I feel I am getting hints that I just need to pursue this current endeavor with some relentlessness, that I have to push on for a while, that it may give it a chance to develop into something that will go along with the initiation/bet. My story has changed to one that may be more sellable within the rules I am hoping. Perhaps now after 10 years, my story of “schizophrenia” is now marketable for my art and writing career. That I can use my situation from a different angle now… one of schizophrenic trips and suffering from mental illness, a fascinating tale in it of itself.   

I just worry there is some rule that I can’t sell my art because it is seen as a donation or something of that nature, like people are giving me money. Even though I do spend hours on each painting, which some people say, time is money. It may not have been sellable before because, I wasn’t professionally trained and the story I was selling at the time still relied on people viewing my story that I wasn’t schizophrenic, if that makes sense. There wasn’t a good enough reason to buy my art yet, it’s marketable features all relied on things that were restricted by the initiation/bet. Now there is more the story of the person who suffered/suffers through schizophrenia, can be a conversation piece from a different angle. 

Perhaps, even people will be able to buy my books in small numbers someday… it is now developing into the story of a schizophrenic episode you know… I think a big part of this working will be that I am willing to throw it out there that I have schizophrenia, and then it is up to the viewer and reader to decide you know…  I just have to mentally prepare myself for that angle, which I think I am ready. Would have been difficult years ago, when I was struggling with the title, schizophrenic… because I felt it was like people calling me a liar, it was accepting defeat in a way, I wanted to own this thing from the angle that I am a savant or whatever… but, the only way this may work is if I let myself be labeled as just schizophrenic by many people. I have to accept that I can’t have it my way and from my angle, I have to play along… 

Play along in my own way of course… but accepting the angle…  

I mean, at least they let me get A’s in college this year… I personally think that I would have completely different relationships with teachers and students if I wasn’t in my situation… I sometimes think some of my thoughts or ideas are Nobel prize contestant worthy, or groundbreaking within a particular field… that many people might be studying things that I am saying…  

But, getting A’s in college may mean, that I have a better chance of getting published in some papers or something, on a small scale perhaps… I want to try and self-syndicate myself… My goal is to hopefully get some weekly articles in a few papers, sell some art, maybe some books, and a few other merchandise items… just be able to make a living enjoying what I am doing… 

This schizophrenia angle is interesting… we have entered into interesting territory… Because now I have something to sell that doesn’t necessarily have to market me as smart, but rather an interesting, eccentric personality who has been through a great deal “mentally” the last 10 years… 

Accepting that I may have to sell my story as a schizophrenic episode, and dealing with schizophrenia was a tough pill to swallow in many ways… But, I feel really good now, with some high hopes… If it means getting to do what I love, I am very interested… 

Like right now… I can still write like I am not fighting schizophrenia… But, it can be sold as that is how deep in a schizophrenic state I am, that I don’t even realize it! Which is a hard angle to accept, that everyone may come at you like you are crazy, I had to find in my mind how I would go about that and be comfortable with it. That “feeling bad” for me, may be part of the angle… the poor schizophrenic… the injured deer… 

I still personally find my art nice to look at, even without the story… But, with the story… thought provoking and a conversation piece… Perhaps I will sell my art with a copy of my book in the future… 

I hate blatantly talking about a business strategy, like I am out to use people… if that makes sense. But, I am rather desperate, working from home is very important to me, and even thinking about other jobs and having to change my daily routines is very frustrating… I really should be on disability, but now that I did good in school this semester, I probably have no chance, and I can’t play the I did well in school because I have high functioning autism and am really smart, but have trouble functioning in a work environment, because we can’t diagnose me with high functioning autism! To me it is a no brainer that I should be on disability, all along my path people always seem to act like I should definitely be on it, even the disability employees, sometimes I may even get a gesture like it should be an open and shut case… But, I don’t think it is going to work out… So, I really have to try and make this work. 

So, I press on… 

This wasn’t even necessarily what I wanted to write about today, I had much different thoughts written on paper this morning.. Perhaps tomorrow! 

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