A Rambling Man Today…

I guess I could start with a plus note… I certainly feel I am starting to live a much more mindful lifestyle… or should I say that I live in a much more mindful state of mind. Lately, I almost can’t think if I want to even. Have just felt a bit like zonked out. But, I think that is what I need in my life right now a bit. Just not too zonked out, I don’t mind feeling a little lethargic, but one time when I was in a mental hospital that had me so drugged out on tranquilizer’s I felt like the walking dead. That was a horrible feeling, always felt like I wanted to sleep, all day long… but could never fall asleep and take naps or anything. Which, they just kept bumping up the amount until I finally fainted one day on the way to lunch. 

Fainting is such a weird feeling, feels a bit like dying really. That was precisely what I was thinking when I fainted in that mental hospital… they finally got me, I’m going down…  but I survived and lived to tell the tale… I talked about it in my book as well. 

I am just kind of winging it today, didn’t want to put my thinking cap on the same way I do most days. I feel like a lot should be on my mind right now actually… a time ago, that appointment with my disability lawyer would have had my mind racing and racing, would be constantly wondering if it is going to work out or not, riding the roller coaster of not knowing. But, I am much more in the moment. I briefly had some old thoughts and bad mental habits pop up, but I have been pretty good, just doing what I have been doing. I feel pretty good, like something is going to work out anyways… even though this isn’t a popular blog yet or anything (on the surface), I get a general sense it is going well.  

I have to imagine something is going to work out… whether disability or this endeavor, I don’t think in this bet, they are allowed to stop all my potential jobs, I have to be able to work and make a living. The question would be, how am I allowed to make a living within the parameters of the initiation/bet (about me section)? The fact I have been commissioned to do a number of paintings is definitely nice, gives me hope. Have had a few people reach out to me in general about my art, one saying it reminded her of a 60’s or 70’s artist. Not to mention some friends that have taken some paintings off my hands. Which is nice that it might have value on its own, although I am trying to sell them as conversation pieces as well. I started trying to sell on ebay with signed copies of my book, why I think I am God’s son, I am presenting the book as written during a year’s long schizophrenic episode that still affects me to this day. Over 10 Years now! Passed that anniversary recently. 

The angle is definitely embracing the term schizophrenic, the title I fought for many years. I have to embrace it for disability and for this endeavor… for whatever reason, I feel it is marketable within the rules of the bet, I certainly hope so if the disability doesn’t work out. It just puts me in that weird place mentally… but even with my disability lawyer, I told him, I have delusions, but I don’t think they are delusions. I do that because I think I have to embrace it from that angle, I have to be willing to call them potential delusions in a way while at the same time maintaining my sanity and knowing I am just living in a rehearsed play. But, then it is like, by calling them potential delusions or whatever, even though I don’t think they potentially are, am I giving off some vibe like I am faking this whole thing or something? I mean I am on medications to treat this stuff though with medical records. 

Such a mental obstacle course and circus… because people don’t deny things I might tell them as well, it is that proverbial wink thing. Like I had my doctor read the book one time and one of his only questions was, so who is your wife? So, in my head it is like, what is our angle here? Are we calling everything schizophrenia? Or are we like doing some sort of in between thing, where we can act a bit like it is all real, but it isn’t.  

Nobody I have ever shared things with yet, has told me I have delusions yet to my face, let’s put it that way. Doctors, friends, family, psychiatrist… just not a word is said. So, I am really only the first person to even say that I have delusions, but I don’t think they are delusions… it is so confusing. I think for disability though, we are going to have to probably call them delusions though… example: He thinks he is in an initiation to be king of the world… 

This is all a big reason I avoid seeing a therapist… because it is like, how do we do this in a therapy setting? I feel like I am going to come out of there even more screwed up than I am now… Especially could have been detrimental when I was trying to figure somethings out… I didn’t want a professional telling me everything was delusions and I needed to accept that… I avoided telling almost everybody anything for those reasons… I know what I believe, I didn’t want people to try and screw with me more, which I felt would be done especially considering I am in this bet. 

Which, I have said this before, but I am in a good place mentally now to walk the line of all of this, whichever way pans out. I have locked myself in mentally now and know what I believe. But, I really don’t even know what to expect when I do these things, so I don’t know why I try to analyze them so much… many times even if I do think something will happen a certain way, every effort is made to make sure it doesn’t, so by staying out of it as best I can, it is probably for the better.  

I just keep trying to find ways of making myself happy… within the rules of course as I am finding out, that has been a tough pill to swallow. I have definitely found out the hard way, that world was all a big lie in many ways, that many notions that were presented to us as young children and young adults were false, at least for me. I had thought the world operated a certain way, a fairer way, and I was wrong. I certainly had a lot to learn! It always amazes me just how evil some people can be, you want to believe that there is a little good in everybody, but that is another life lesson! Although I still think the vast majority might have the ability to change, some of it is beyond comprehension, I am telling ya, it feels like possession is the only answer… It is just an evil that is delusional and flies in the face of logic… They certainly aren’t just after a good life, they have been offered a good life on many occasions, I offered them a chance to even be heroes… they are after something much darker. 

Therapy session over…hehe 

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