I feel bad about wanting to be on disability…

I hate talking about disability, and wanting to be on it, because I feel people will think I am lazy and trying to scam the system or something like… Thinking about people’s reactions makes me feel bad to be trying to get it… Even though the truth is this schizophrenia and I think high functioning autism takes it toll on me quite a bit… I used to love going to work on Mondays… worked free overtime… I wish I was still capable of being that way. It was fun when I really enjoyed work, I try to make myself enjoy it, but reality hits me often. 

If you read my blog and the about me section… that is what I truly believe, what I will die believing… what I live day in and day out. Even on just the “delusional” aspect, the life I live is very exhausting… I am happy if I get myself in the shower every day. Little things that pile on, become so difficult. That doesn’t even begin to dive into physical sensations and panic attacks and things like that… This is my back up plan, to try and write and paint from home… where I am most comfortable.  

But, I do feel bad that I want to be on disability… although from even a service to my country feeling, it could certainly be seen as money that is owed to me in a way. Although, everything has to be within the rules of the initiation/bet… I would certainly be getting it because I have a disability. I can only imagine the hurdles and convincing everyone has to go through to make disability happen… I have to imagine my enemy would be strongly against it and looking for any rule to not allow it. So, I think if I do get it… that I truly deserve it. 

That all being said, my confidence went up a bit with my meeting with my lawyer today, he only gets paid if I win, so for him to even decide to continue with the case makes me feel I at least have a shot. Plus, he had a whole new attitude this time around… when I first went in there, he was a bit apprehensive and seemed not too happy with me, felt like I was getting the vibe I was wasting his time or something like that… But, this time, he was much warmer and asking questions, and wanting me to get more information… seemed like we are going ahead with this thing… I thought, maybe he has finally seen some of my files now! Knows I’m not just trying to scam the system! 

Which, I was expecting it all to be dropped because I took some online classes this past year and did well on them, which he said may hurt my case, but maybe not… So, it was a good day, I have some hope for disability yet, I had really given up on it in a big way… was one of the major reasons I started this blog and wanted to try journalism. Because, I want to be at least somewhat started on my quest to work from home, if this all didn’t work out.  

Who knows, maybe the possible success of this blog and everything also helped lead to a bargain for disability… Maybe every side thinks they are coming out of the situation the best they can by me being on disability… 

I don’t know… could still take another year or two possibly anyways unless a judge decides that there is no need for a hearing and just grants it. So, I am may still attempt to syndicate a bit, because working from home or being at home for that matter is the ultimate goal here. The sooner the better… 

I still plan to do this blog, disability or not… and paint… I will consider this like my job either way! 

I feel like I have made trillions of dollars, plus the government probably owes me a nice chunk of money for services rendered… but still feel really bad trying to get on disability, a bit of an oxymoron… But, at the same time, I also do have a real disability in my Schizophrenia (and I think high functioning autism)… 


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