The absurdity of it all…

Another busy day, filling out disability paperwork… then picking up some paperwork from my psychiatrist, then putting it all together and taking it to its final destination, my disability lawyer. 

Which, when I picked up my paperwork from my psychiatrist, I thought, don’t even look at it, just put it in the envelope with everything else and take it over. But, of course I looked… I feel it said what needed to be said to give me a chance at disability, but it is one of those things I had to be mentally prepared to read, because it challenges my belief system in quite a big way. 

I had to read things like chronic and severe schizophrenia, will continue to be on medication for many years, delusions, a deteriorating condition, life-long condition, etc… 

Which is coming from a licensed psychiatrist… so it is hard not to at least wonder just a little bit… what if I really am just completely delusional… Which actually made me chuckle at the thought of it, a little mad hatter situation… like the ultimate human comedy in a way. What if while I think I use completely logical reasoning, I am actually very illogical and a horrible predictor of the human condition… completely detached in a way, truly living in my own universe, with its own rules of logic and the way things should be… Something like, maybe my friends really don’t want to hang out with me very often, perhaps I have lost many friends over the years… perhaps they aren’t just not allowed to hang out with me… 

But, thoughts like those are very minute and fleeting any more. I am completely committed to my beliefs and the idea that I am indeed actually a Savant, navigating my way through one of the craziest circumstances to ever happen on this place we call Earth… To think, not a single person has directly confirmed anything yet, I go on believing while a psychiatrist is telling me I have full blown schizophrenia and it is the only condition I suffer from… 

I am so close to being pretty darn happy… if disability or this works out, I will be living a version of the dream in a way… The problem is, it is such a fragile line… I have narrowed it down to a couple things I would be happy to do while I am in this situation and then it seems like misery outside of that box… I love living in my head, to just bunker down at home and continue to do this, is such a happy place for me… I think about if my life was a movie sometimes, and the last like so many years of it have been all within a pretty small parameter with me sitting in a chair most of the time… But, it is like the most exciting story ever in a way… Especially through my eyes… 

One thing I was particularly sad about, reading what my psychiatrist wrote… was about broken relationships with friends and trouble maintaining relationships, or something like that… I am hoping it is not a predictor that in order for this to work, it will have to keep appearing that I can’t maintain relationships, thus not getting to hang out with friends very often… I am getting better at only seeing friends only once a month or less, but I was hoping if the enemy starts running out of money or something, that maybe someday I could have a close friend or two that I see pretty regularly, maybe even a girlfriend or something someday. I have been under the notion that they have to pay so much in order for me to not see any friends, that there may be a scenario someday down the road, when I have a regular friend or two. 

This has all drained me today a bit, a lot to think about, although it is pretty much out of my hands, so I don’t know why I ruminate about it so much, thinking about it more, really isn’t going to change anything. I more worry, that when I write about these things, that it will only encourage my enemy even more to make sure things don’t work out. Things have always seemed to play out that way… it seems that people will go to great lengths to do things that might make me feel like an idiot or crazy. Sometimes, these things turn into absurd illusions that must be kept up over many years. Like there are couples I think are still together, but because I might have given them advice or something, it has to look like they broke up or got a divorce… so these absurd and elaborate storylines/illusions have to be kept up and maintained throughout the duration of all this…  

This whole thing is pretty nuts… it is nuts and absurd on a whole new level… it comes off as stupid to me sometimes… the hardest part to accept, is that such evil actually exist, it would be unbelievable if it wasn’t true and happening… Everyone at one point or another must have thought, I can’t believe this is actually happening… and actually have an extremely tough time accepting the reality of it all, the absurdity… 

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