Today was a good day to take a step back from myself and feelings and be a “participant-observer”… I have been feeling a bit agitated lately, plus feeling like I have been slipping into a depression a bit… losing interest in what I am doing… Thinking of things I can’t do, but want to do, you could say I have been seeking out things to be mad about and to vent…
So, I decided I should really take a moment and evaluate what is happening… often times things don’t always happen consciously right away, so I have to try and figure out what is going on subconsciously as well…
I realized I was starting to misinterpret depressed feelings as how I would feel under normal circumstances, or as a way things would be from now on… Losing interest in your favorite things is not enjoyable, it adds to the depression, start to worry you won’t find things that will make you happy again… start thinking negatively.
Anyways, I realized I was getting depressed and it would explain the loss of interest and my agitation, among other things… But, why am I depressed?
I think I was dealing with an old habit subconsciously, before it made it to the surface… my mind was trying to fight it and hold it off… take care of it subconsciously, but some old feelings made their way through. Whenever I get excited, I inevitably start to feel feelings of doubt… I used to take it to extreme lengths, getting very mad at the world for being in this situation and things never working out for me, even though they should… So, I developed a lot of negative paths of thinking that are still trying to be broken…
I really have come a long way to experience these feelings now and then just sit here calmly writing about it… I would have been a mess in the past. This bet involved a lot of making me excited about things and having them not work out… whether making me think it was all going to end at new year’s, or Easter… whether people might buy my book and I could stay at home… Making me think my art would sell… people saying they wanted to buy a mug and then wouldn’t… I had a lot of build ups and a lot of disappointments… so it’s really no wonder that I wouldn’t expect this all to be the same… that disability won’t work out… this endeavor won’t work out… I will not be in a favorable position for various other reasons…
The plus note is that I am just more feeling a byproduct of the subconscious battle… I need to use good anxiety control methods on my end to try and keep it from making it all the way to the surface… although, the last couple days haven’t been super pleasant…
I do think it feels different now, that one of these things might work out… trying to not get too excited and to manage my expectations… so if both fail I am not utterly disappointed… I have gotten a little better about not getting my hopes up in recent time, just trying to be happy in my current moment…
So, I find myself back in one of these positions where I am waiting to see how something might play out… trying not to get caught up in a cycle of being excited one minute and then depressed at the thought of it not working out the next…
This time it certainly feels different though… better conditions… I understand the game more… I am playing the game a bit better… In a better position within the game…
But, I think I will regain my interest in what I am doing when my future is more certain… think I am just experiencing a bit of depression at the moment… going through a little what if this all doesn’t work out phase at the moment…
It feels in a way like many things are coming together… like even some disappointments, I could see how there may be another angle to them… one thing may not be able to work out so that another can…
Like, I feel there is a lot of money being spent to try and make me give up on this current endeavor… but maybe things aren’t working out as much with this, because things may be looking better for disability… I still wonder if by embarking on this endeavor doesn’t help me get disability… like a bargaining chip… perhaps this should be able to work out within the rules of the bet… but they would be willing to take the deal for disability… perhaps both sides will consider it a win…
Hopefully can paint and write my way through the next so many months! They may be a little heavy on the anxiety, waiting to see how things work out…
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