Really though, at the heart of it, may just be a quest for some sanity and inner peace…

Captains Log… 7/24/2018… hehe 

I realized today that I have a long few months ahead of me… My anxiety about this disability approval is definitely up there, I am sure it won’t go away. Hopefully I can put it in the back of my mind a bit. But, today I was thinking it had been like two weeks or so since I dropped off the paperwork to my lawyer, then I realized it was just a week ago…. blah… 

I think I might pull the trigger on sending out some articles to newspapers in hopes of self-syndicating a bit… I just want to get myself working from home asap… might help get my mind off this disability waiting game a bit.  

Some days I am at work and just get to thinking, I need to get myself out of here… I think everybody wants me to get out of there… 

I think my dad would be fine letting me go home whenever, but this initiation/bet has rules about all of this… I am thinking though, even if I could get a few newspapers to buy my articles, perhaps I could cut back a few hours in the meantime, while I am waiting to hear about disability. Would also be a jump start in case things don’t work out… I only work 2 ½ hours a day, but most days, I am pretty checked out and ready to leave within an hour… 

I am trying to remain hopeful that one of these things will work out… 

The other thing I have been worried about… is posts like this one… I worry I will lose my little audience with posts like these… Although, I enjoy talking about what is going on mentally, I am conflicted with thoughts of wanting to give an audience what they want to here… It seems to be a recurring theme in my life, an effort to find an audience for what I enjoy doing, rather than possibly giving a more general audience what they want…. It is true of my working life anyways… I want to sell art, but I want to sell art the way I enjoy painting it… Really though, at the heart of it, may just be a quest for some sanity and inner peace… 

So, posts like these, I hope to find the audience for people that like to follow my unique life and circumstances, that may find a trip into my mind fascinating and intriguing… 

The other day I was telling myself… honestly, what have you got to lose? Before this you were lucky to hang out with a friend once every month to six months… So, if I end up with nobody (visibly to me) reading, I’m more just back where I started you could say… Although, I would definitely like this to work out, therein lies the inner turmoil… what path might make this work out within the rules of the initiation/bet? I want the path in part to be laid out with posts like this… 

I think so much about what I might do, if I do get disability… I get my hopes up. Hopefully not setting myself up for some extreme disappointment. Like for instance, I might think about setting up a non-profit to sell my paintings through and donate to a charity… Been, thinking about some grand concept of a non-profit storefront that sells coffee and my paintings… perhaps could set up a poker table and the coffee tables, chess sets, the works… Perhaps there is a round-about way to live the dream in a way… I would love to play texas hold-em for pennies almost every day, paint, write, and chess… I’m wondering if there is some route as like the town schizophrenic ya know? Just go for it… throw it right in the newspaper… 

Maybe have a little popular non-profit shop that was composed of my favorite things that I could stop down at and partake in a little everyday… be a little bit of a charity case working for charity… 

Then I also think… even if I do get it… I will probably just be at home… I can’t help but think of exciting ideas and getting myself overly excited, to then just have a bit of a crash by thoughts of doubt… I would love to make something work out where I could play penny poker almost every day… and I tell myself, I can’t have that many cars at my house every day, it has to be in a storefront or something like that… 

Probably a huge not possible pipedream while I am in this initiation/bet (about me section)… 

I could always play online poker… online chess… give my paintings away… and write to my “imaginary” audience… I can do it all from home… just don’t get those social, person to person connections… I think too much about all of these things, but what else have I got to do? Hopefully something works out.