Another trip around the sun…

34 years have passed… another trip around the sun has come to its conclusion, onward to the big 35. I actually have to apply some effort to remembering my age anymore, I hardly ever think about. 

This last year seemed to go by pretty fast as I tried to spend as much of it living in the moment as possible. I was pleased I didn’t think about my birthday too much this year, whether it was some milestone of this initiation/bet (About me section) or that it would end today. My life doesn’t feel like it depends on this ending as much as it used to… before it felt like if it didn’t end, I may not make it another year or month longer dealing with my situation and depression. I feel a bit less hanging in there anyways… still hanging in there dealing with work every day, but that might change this next year. 

I felt a little rush of subconscious anxiety this morning, probably my mind coping with another birthday and I am still in this thing. Now I wonder if it isn’t over until I’m 40 or 50 even… It always felt so absolutely sinister, and I was in such a bad place, it was hard to imagine that people would sign up another human being to go through this for more than 10 years… But, perhaps, things of this magnitude, just don’t happen that easily, not even when that “easily” was already a nightmare. 

Still holding out hope for some changes in my favor this next year… seems like things are converging in a good way, but I never know if it isn’t just some sinister plan to get me as excited as possible for something to go right for me, only to have it all go wrong… 

Probably the best place I have been mentally in 10 years anyways… Coming to understand existence throughout this endeavor was certainly a plus… The pleasure of finding things out… 

Another thing I have thought about… is I think the schizophrenia started to creep into my life, maybe even a year or two before it all really hit home… I have revisited some old thoughts and realized I became a bit detached from reality, or you could say becoming aware of reality, in years prior. Very slightly in years prior, but I had some schizophrenic moments… I don’t know how to describe them… 

To me it was more like my whole life was spent in a haze… then the onset of schizophrenia over years, was the fog lifting from my eyes and mind… Like things became real, rather than losing reality… I started to look into people’s eyes and be overwhelmed by what I thought… like I was starting to make a connection with the universe… Started to think that people’s eyes were telling me something other than what they were saying… 

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