The Battle for my subconscious rages on…

A bit too mentally exhausted to dive into one of my ideas from the journal today. I think there has been a lot going on in my subconscious that is just wearing me out… I can feel bored, but at the same time everything I would want to do seems too exhausting…

I think that is part of the reason I have trouble watching movies… it is its own type of mental acrobatics to get in the right mental state. My mind is more in thinking and solving mode, not in absorbing information mode… Absorbing mode is like a great place to be, but the last time I was there, it didn’t last too long, I ended up a bit depressed… Still trying to fight back negative thoughts… In fact, right after my last absorption period, I got pretty darn depressed and my own personal “dopamine mental drug” kicked in, I got super wired and looking for something to make me happy and ended up making this blog. Which this blog has served me well… Ultimately, someday, it would be nice to get back into my purely relaxed state of mind… I used to love watching movies all day long or things like that… someday… But, I think making myself watch a movie can be difficult, because I am like trying to override my brain a bit and it isn’t having it… I am lucky if I can get through 15 minutes most days…

My mind is always trying to get back to that super relaxed state of mind though… it just is a long systematic endeavor… I get some tastes of it here and there, my mind likes what it sees, it is just having trouble maintaining it… It gets there, then the negative thoughts creep in, then we slip back into work mode… repeat… getting a little bigger taste of complete relaxation each time… I think if I was out of my situation my recovery would most likely be much faster. I told my friend a while back, women are one of the best anti-anxiety medications there is… I might have trouble watching a movie but sit me down next to a woman for a movie, I can sit there and relax right through it… but, that isn’t an option and there are no shortcuts available.

Trying to think how to describe the battle… the physical sensations keep the negative thoughts at bay, if I am focused on chest tightness or a physical sensation, I am not consciously thinking something negative… when my brain thinks it has me in a good place, it takes away the physical sensations… but then after a little while, my brain can’t keep the negative thoughts at bay… so the physical sensations come back and my brain goes back in to repair mode to take another shot at it… and it is a cycle that repeats and repeats… but the good times gradually get a little larger and larger…

The negative thoughts are definitely worse than the physical sensations though… I remember when I first wanted the physical sensations to go away, and one day they did… then I got a glimpse back to how I use to think, and it was a nightmare… I welcomed the physical sensations back with open arms… Not that they are pleasant by any means… but they are definitely the lesser of two evils, and I know my brain is working on making me feel better… plus I see results… It is a long tedious process… eventually it gets to the point where you just feel like you are stuck between a battle going on in your mind (subconscious), between good and bad thoughts, and innocent casualty of the war…

It uses the same tactics to work on my racing thoughts as well… It was a very systematic thing… your brain tries to focus on your worst problems first and then work its way down… and one day when it starts working on the next thing it hits you like a truck… all of a sudden, a certain way of thinking is not considered acceptable by your brain anymore, and it is up to you to figure out what thoughts will cause pain and which one’s wont, and try to avoid bad mental habits… It’s annoying, because a day ago, a certain way of thinking was fine with your brain, but not today and any day thereafter…

It is a wild ride… day by day… getting there….

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