Back down the Rabbit Hole…

I was somewhat close to shutting down the blog recently… I have felt for some time that the powers that be aren’t big fans of me just writing whatever I want like this, that they more like to control my message. I sense that writing like this skips over a whole kind of chain of command in a way of dispersing my thoughts and ideas. Even recently, a powerline was down on my street and some cops were across the street… this inspires me to see if something else might be meant by this transaction… so I google powerline and some blog comes up… which I came to feel like they were telling me indirectly that I should take my blog down… Which if I was on disability or my disability hearing went as scheduled, I probably would have waited and wouldn’t be writing right now. But, as it played out, my hearing was postponed/canceled for the second time now. It all just makes me more feel like there is a higher chance that I won’t get disability now…

So… I blog as a hope of making some money doing something I enjoy doing and doesn’t make me feel like killing myself and bringing out my more severe schizophrenic symptoms. Maybe if I get enough site visitors or something someday, I could get some sponsors or sell some advertising space or something… Maybe I will finally sell some of my books… maybe I will get picked up to be syndicated in a few publications. I would rather get a head start in a way, then start after I wait to see what happens… that was one of the reasons I went back to college, to get a head start on writing in case the disability doesn’t work out (or just be a writer for that matter)… and seeing how that was like a year and ½ ago now, I am happy I decided to move ahead while I was waiting to see what happened…

As I write this right now… the song “Faith” is playing on the radio… I won’t get my hopes up too much…

The thing is… attempting this blog is trying to walk in a different reality in a way. I think I am on a worldwide live reality show pretty much; I feel if I give a speech in my bedroom later, the whole world will hear it… any conversation I have is heard… when I write essays for college, everyone can read them, and they spread like wildfire… In my head I don’t really need to do this blog to get my ideas out there… I do this in an attempt to make a living while I am in this situation… I have to try and play the sadistic game I am currently in… I have to try and figure out the rules and find a way to make a living without wanting to drive my car into a tree…

To me, I am just repeating many of my ideas… some idea during college, I think you all already heard… Some idea or thought I texted to a friend; I think you all have already read…

I feel a big part of this initiation/bet is that people aren’t allowed to tell me how intelligent I am… So, ideas always have to be downplayed and things like that… I have found I can’t really profit off of my intelligence is what I am trying to say… But I am hoping I can profit from the angle of my schizophrenia… that it can just be sold as an intriguing read for people if you know what I mean… to dive into the mind of a schizophrenic… that way I wouldn’t necessarily profit from my intelligence… I am hoping it is some sort of loop hole anyways. Plus, now that I have my associates degree, I also think it may elevate me to a level of legitimate writer in a way, that I now have more the proper credentials within the initiation/bet…

My other hope, is that if I have found a loophole to make money within the rules… that perhaps it may be used as leverage to get me disability… that my enemy might prefer that I have disability, rather than a career I might really enjoy… perhaps my own side might even prefer I have disability… I think I have said it before… but hopefully disability might be something both sides would be happy with given the circumstances…

Anyways… this feels more like going back down the rabbit hole in my head… Trying to make a living writing and doing all of this… Trying to navigate the wonderland (Twilight Zone) that has been created for me while I am in this initiation/bet…

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