It has felt like an assault on my mind recently…

I decided to write a blog post before school let out… A bit stressed and I find this therapeutic, get it out of my system. They also say writing it down helps you gain perspective on things. Plus, if you all know me, I already think pretty much the whole world reads this… gives me a chance to gauge some reactions from various means. Then of course I also write in hopes that this Blog may be successful someday… I just need it to be a little successful… 

Well, to get to it and be Frank, I have been stressed and a bit mad about a recent occurrence. My disability hearing got postponed for the second time, the last time I had to wait 5 months for the next scheduled date… so that is a bit depressing and stressful for a multitude of reasons… 

For the guy that thinks there is a massive conspiracy being transpired against him, a conspiracy in which I feel that I am in an initiation that turned into a bet that I couldn’t survive it without killing myself… having my disability hearing postponed twice certainly serves to only strengthen my belief in in it… 

Which of course, like always it always seems like they try to get my hopes up as much as possible before breaking my heart a bit, make it hurt as much as possible… It really felt like all the stars were aligning this time and that this was all going to work out… then there is always little things, for instance the date of my hearing is the same date that Harry Potter defeats Voldemort in the books… on my college website there was recently a post about celebrating someone’s retirement on the date of my hearing… I feel like I get tons of messages about retirement and its all over, etc etc… so I really start to believe it and get my hopes up. 

Then my dad is retiring soon and closing down the shop, so I will be losing my job… so it seemed like it might time up pretty perfect with that… all in all it really got my hopes up before tearing my heart out a bit… putting me in a situation where I am going to have to figure out some things to get by in the meantime… I will definitely be dipping into my 401K… 

Another interesting thing was that Notre Dame Cathedral fire… it timed up almost to the minute of the time I was meeting with my disability lawyer to talk about my hearing coming up… I wasn’t sure what to make of it… was I being threatened? were other people being threatened? What else might it mean? It actually made me feel more likely like this was all going to work out… I am Catholic and a fan of Notre Dame, so I wasn’t so sure what to make of it… I almost wondered if people on my side almost weren’t taking out their own piece of history and important artifact to show that they meant business in a way or something… if that makes sense… either way it was obviously meant to get inside my head… I came to wonder if my enemy didn’t pay to have it burned as some way of getting in my head at this trying time… which I would have to imagine they would have to put up a lot of money to see that thing burned down just to screw with me… 

I got told Friday my hearing got canceled/postponed… then it seemed like everyone wanted me to drive somewhere that weekend… probably hoping I would feel suicidal and get in a car, increasing my chances I might decide to drive into a tree or something… then it also felt like a big effort to make me start believing the news again, trying to convince me that the news is all real and fill my heads with various conspiracy theories about who managed to get my hearing postponed again… felt they were really trying to play into the white supremacist angle… 

Lots of shootings going on, churches burning, hate crimes, etc… I think a bunch of money has been spent recently… which I am hoping is more just some last-ditch effort to screw with me as much as possible before I get disability… I am still hopeful I am going to get it… but this might just be all part of some ploy and long series of events to cause me as much pain as possible on my way to not getting approved for disability… would not surprise me in the least… 

I am trying to remain cautiously optimistic… planning to not get disability while hoping I do get it… Hopefully this was all part of some sort of series of deals that all culminates with me getting it… maybe… I guess I shouldn’t have expected to get it too easily, even if I do get it… 

On a plus note… I will be graduating community college in a couple weeks… graduating Phi Theta Kappa… which is nice, cause one of my backup plans might be going back to a 4-year school, not this year, but possibly the next fall if I don’t get disability. I am not sure though; I worry about the debt and my condition and how well I would even do in that atmosphere. There is a national scholarship for schizophrenics I may try and apply for, then I wouldn’t have to worry about the financial debt. It is tough though, because what I am good at and comfortable doing, some consider meaningless degrees in a way, not many job opportunities… but it may be a path I decide to walk down… 

Then of course, maybe this blog will work out someday… 

Has definitely felt like an assault on my mind recently though… trying to make sense of it the best I can and in a way that brings me inner peace… 

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