Cautiously Optimistic…

Been doing a lot of ruminating the last few days… a bit of negative thinking as well… a few thoughts wishing I was in heaven already… 

I wish I enjoyed working… a lot of my problems would go away… but as it stands, to work is to fight for my life… 

The last time I worked enough to support myself… I felt like it was me against the world… felt like everybody was trying to kill me while I am in this bet, or should I say trying to make me kill myself… I felt like everyone I passed was whispering things to me… telling me I smelled… telling me I was going to be killed… telling me I was gay… if I bought something, people would ask me why I would buy that or to sell it back… if I had an idea that day, people would tell me it was awful… telling me everyone was a communist… telling me anything and everything to piss me off and to make my life miserable… there was a comment for everything… I even started to think that there were speakers in the walls that were whispering things to make me mad… If I went to church, everyone there, including the preacher was saying things… there was no safe space… 

I isolated myself, showered once a week, had trouble performing basic hygiene, everything felt so exhausting… I would get so mad thinking everyone was trying to make me kill myself that I would just get in my car and rant and yell for hours when I was going somewhere… it would feel like month long rants I was going on… just filled with so much anger and depression… thinking about killing myself all the time… 

I would see the negative in everything… and considering I felt like everyone was in on it, it felt like every little sleight was a planned thing to make me mad… a long line at the store, planned…. a person cutting me off, planned… being asked to do something I didn’t want to do, planned… everything thing was planned against me… something I didn’t like in the news, planned… somebody sneaking into the bathroom before me, planned… 

Then as my trains of thought got so negative… one little negative thing would make me think about every little reason why I should be pissed off and hate the world… 

It was a terrible existence… just filled with hate, anger, depression, suicidal thoughts, etc… what felt like all day everyday… 

That is a little bit of the nightmare I use to live anyways… 

Then, the flood happened, and my place got flooded and I had to move home… not long after was the first time I asked to have my hours cut at the shop… 

Life still continued very much the same in many ways… always fighting the world and the people whispering things or trying to make my life miserable… 

Then eventually I would ask to cut my hours back more and more, and I started to get into meditation and mindfulness… I started taking another medication for anxiety, I went through about 4 before I found one that worked… 

Gradually as I got my stress under a certain level and under control, I would get breaks from the whispers or me jumbling up what people said into something negative… less bouts of anger, less thoughts of suicide, less depression… started to enjoy life a bit again… 

When my stress gets to a certain level… all of that negative stuff starts to come back… when the negative starts to creep back in, my entire life goal becomes getting my stress back under a manageable level… I started to look back over my life and realized how much of how I lived was avoiding getting my stress over a certain level… I never really had a grey area between depression/anger-Happiness… either I am the happiest person in the world or when I am too stressed, I enter into a deep depression and anger/edgy… 

It was really when I first started to care about the world and started work hard that my schizophrenia was noticed… because it was the first time, I really had elevated stress that I was trying to sustain for a prolonged period of time… I started to feel like I was under attack and that someone or a group of people were trying to make me kill myself… I ended up in two mental hospitals… 

I got out of those… eventually had to work full time again and my life became absolute hell once again… felt like I was under attack again and that people were trying to take me out… 

I can’t not feel like I am under attack when my stress gets to a certain level… and it just gets worse and worse as the rest of the more severe symptoms of my schizophrenia slip back in… 

Being schizophrenic and thinking I am still in an initiation/bet… I sometimes wonder if people aren’t always still whispering things and that I just have selective hearing when I am under a certain level of stress… I still feel like I am in a bet to see if I will kill myself… but when I can get my stress under a  certain level, I am rather happy… 

I enjoy doing this and going to school… like I have said before, if I could be a professional student, that is what I would do… I think it is because of all of the years of schooling, that is just how my brain became wired… so I think school actually helps my mental well-being… or at least some sort of school like substitute like reading and posting to my blog… 

But, this is the last week of work for me, the boss is retiring and the company is going out of business… it is the place I have been able to make a living only working 1 to 2 hours a day… it has helped me get my stress under a manageable level… but I am very concerned about having to find a regular job and potentially heading back into the nightmare I use to live… 

I have a disability hearing coming up, that I hope works out… I am constantly back and forth thinking I might get it or not get it and what am I going to do if I don’t?… it feels like life and death a little… like I may have to go back to a life of torture if it doesn’t work out… 

I am trying to remain optimistic and I have enough from my 401k to probably get by for almost a year… so either way, I have like a year off coming after this week… if I don’t get disability, I am going to take that year to really try and make a living writing from home if possible… I haven’t had luck in that department yet, but I remain hopeful… I might even apply for a national scholarship for schizophrenics next fall…  

Just back and forth about this disability right now and trying to make good plans in my head in the instance I don’t get it… Trying to avoid re-entering the nightmare I use to live… The only thing that helps me while I am in this state of flux is thinking up some kind of back-up plan that I don’t think will make my stress level go too high… 

I definitely am trying to avoid getting my hopes up too much, because it will just make the fall all the much worse if I don’t get it... 

Cautiously optimistic… 

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