If only I could see only smiling faces…

I was planning on writing something else, but have found myself drawn back to this topic… 

I know I have talked about how I have trouble with faces before… so perhaps this is just an update… It really has proven to be a constant source of stress that is hard to overcome… 

You see, although I haven’t had one website view in the past 4 or 5 days, in my head, I think billions of people read my posts… including everyone I might come across in a day… 

So, it is frustrating when I see negative faces or people that look mad at me, I take it very personally… I like to look at people’s faces to help gauge the reaction to things I say, especially since people don’t comment on my posts… I desire feedback… 

Which, it is very hard to come to terms with not seeing smiling faces all the time… But I have to accept that I probably won’t ever see 100% smiling faces all the time while I am in this initiation/bet… technically, given the information given to me, no one should really even know who I am, or that they certainly don’t take the time to read my posts… It should be in a way, like nobody knows who I am… 

So, given the parameters of this initiation/bet and what information is given to me… I will always see many neutral faces or people with (resting bitch face)… sometimes people will just look downright upset… It is hard for me… 

It is especially hard because I have a tough time not trying to figure out why people are mad at me… I used to do that all the time, I would replay everything I said in my head to try and see what could have made people mad or why people may have taken something the wrong way… I would then always address all of the possible problems I could find… I even started to feel that they would try to use a specific type of person to look at me a certain way… so if I was seeing a lot of mad old people, I would ask myself, what did I say or do that is making old people so mad?…which then you could take that question and just insert any given type of person… 

It was probably a good thing in some ways, because I was probably addressing real concerns some people had… maybe that is what was really happening for a while as I was trying to win everybody over to my side… gradually winning over all of the different groups and age groups… I was constantly trying to address any concerns people might have… it probably helped me evolve in some ways and really smooth out my message and fine tune it… 

This whole process is even more elevated when you include the news and documentaries and things like that… trying to take on and win over ever group, no matter where their viewpoints were… I might hear some horrible viewpoint and my opinion would be, that viewpoint exists and everything in between, so I would address it… I always addressed the worst-case scenario, even if just in case… I would have rather had some instance of delusion than not address some really negative or evil viewpoint or thought about something… which I am sure that my enemy used my internal process against me, making up very negative viewpoints and opinions by groups that they never actually said… 

But now I have gotten to a point where I tend to believe it is just Good vs. Evil left and not much if anything in between… there are people on the other side of this initiation/bet and then there is everybody on my side of the initiation/bet… I don’t even think proportionally the other side has that many people, it is just that a small proportion can still contain millions of people that could potentially reek a lot of havoc. 

My opinion is that there really isn’t that much more I can do on the grounds of having people switch to my side… I have a feeling we do scrape away at their side little by little… but that responsibility can now be delegated to many of the people on my side… as well as the reasoning with anybody left in the middle… 

I don’t believe basically anything I see or hear in the news anymore except for natural disasters… I think we are experiencing the greatest world peace the world has ever known and that we are all working together more than ever to achieve common goals… 

I don’t believe any of the negative faces anymore either… It is just that old habits die hard and I so desire just to see smiling faces all the time and to just be surrounded by people that are happy with all that I have done…  

The faces just have a special power over me for sure… probably to because I have always valued the opinions of my hometown my entire life, they have always had a special place in my heart… A large driving factor of my life was always trying to make my hometown (The Valley) proud… I always desired to be seen in a positive light by these people… 

I have to learn to let it go though… accept there is no way I am going to see 100% smiling faces while I am in this initiation/bet…  

I have to trust that I have already won in many ways… no more battles left for me to fight… 

I personally feel so good about to the point I have gotten too, that if I went a bit nuts now, it’s not like people would hold it against me, that it isn’t who I am… people have seen and know the true me anymore, anything else would be a sign that I just need some help or something… which is a good feeling, takes a lot of pressure off, don’t have to worry about everything I say and feel like I am walking on egg shells… don’t have to replay everything the way I used to… I feel the unconditional Love now… I might also say that I feel that I earned it…  

If that all makes sense… 

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