Little therapy session… little venting… disappointing day for sure…

Well… I am sure everyone knows that I got an unfavorable decision from my disability hearing… Pretty Disappointing, I suppose there might be some slim chance the appeals council may find it favorable if my attorney decides it is worth the effort to give it a try… hearing about that may take another 6 months to 2 years… 

It also would seem that this writing endeavor has no chance of working out… With the stuff I have put out, if it hasn’t gone viral yet, it probably isn’t going to go viral, at least I shouldn’t plan on it anyways… I sent articles out to almost every newspaper in New York, nothing… I tried doing a bit of advertising, doesn’t ever seem to go anywhere… Not looking good in that department… Would seem against the rules of this initiation/bet whether I like it or not… 

Makes me want to just lose my mind a bit for sure… but I have even tried that before and have gotten nowhere, the world I see never changes… 

I was starting to think I might enjoy life, but I might have to continue to fight… 

Perhaps if I find the right part time job and I get in the right mindset, I can still enjoy life a bit… I have no choice but to try it would seem… 

I worry I have nothing to look forward too… I worry I have been so screwed, the only thing I really have to look forward to is eventually dying and going to heaven… Will this end when I am 40? 45? 50? 65? I don’t know… perhaps it was some sort of sick life-long bet everyone signed me up for… at least there is a retirement age, which will probably be raised or gone by the time I get there though… 

The problem is, I don’t want to believe it’s over when I am 45 or 50… because if I set a date and I get excited for it; it crushes my soul when the date comes and goes… Not to mention as the date gets closer, the back and forth begins of will it end or won’t it, I am excited one moment and depressed the next… there also isn’t any shortage of my enemy trying to make it as bad for me as possible… It’s almost better to accept that I have been screwed for life… Then I can focus my effort more on trying to be happy in the present moment… learn not to get my hopes up for anything… It is depressing, but better than the alternative… Just accept the position I am in and try and achieve as much happiness within it as possible… 

The only thing I really have to look forward to for the most part is my blogging, tweeting and painting… which is why I plan to continue to do it even though it doesn’t seem to have a chance of working out. I still like doing all the calculations in my head of what the world is thinking and all that goes on with my mind when I blog… I like helping people, making people laugh, and sharing thought provoking ideas… Even if sometimes I think heaven might not be as full as everyone thinks it will be when everything is said and done… It is a good outlet for me… 

At least I have a bit of savings that will last me for a while, while I try and find a suitable part time job… Still thinking I might try and get that scholarship for people afflicted with schizophrenia… homelessness and jail have even crossed my mind… I am a bit all over the place…  

Maybe I will start with a part time job first… 

Also thinking at this moment how crazy it is, the level of evil that exists in the World right now… It is disturbing for sure… 

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