My year of recovery seems to be on the right track…

The year of recovery before I head back to school seems to be going well. I feel like I am making strides mentally… 

I feel like I have run out of big things to think about though, and that is taking some adjustment… I think it is going to involve a little neuroplasticity that might take a while. Most of my childhood and young adulthood I didn’t really give much thought to anything, never had any opinions about anything, and just didn’t know where I stood on anything… I just kind of watched and listened to everyone and tried to have as much fun as possible… 

Then once I started trying to figure things out, my mind just went into over drive… I would figure out my answer to the question and then move on to the next big question… For the last 12 years, I was constantly in deep thought, but now I feel like I have answered all the big questions for the most part… I keep searching for new big questions to solve within my capacity and can’t really find much of anything, nothing really does it for me anymore… 

My mind is adjusting to not being in deep thought all of the time… I am quite bored frankly… not that I don’t have things to do, my mind just isn’t that capable of doing them right now. I am at an in between place mentally right now… I want to start enjoying more movies and video games and things like that, but my mind is still searching for the next question to answer… I can’t help but searching free online college courses and things like that to see if something there will give me my fix… I keep going through my thoughts to see if there is another big blog post idea in me… 

Video games and movies kind of exhaust my mind a bit right now, because it runs counter intuitive to what my mind wants to do. Video games, movies, and things like that are a very mindful activities where you are hyper focused on the present moment a bit and shutting off your brain off in some ways. It is hard for me to go longer than a half hour, it really is fighting against my mind a bit. After I have exhausted myself mentally trying to watch a movie or play games, and at the same time I can’t find the next big question to solve, some days I just end up in this weird in between mental place where I am not really in the mood to do anything… I end up just looking forward to meal times and things like that, that pass the day for me a bit… I look forward to when I am finally tired and ready to go to bed and start my next day, I very much look forward to my morning coffee… These days can be a little stressful sometimes and I find myself a little edgy, especially in the mornings… They can be a bit of a blur as well… 

I think this is all good though, in the long run… I got to keep fighting this battle and try and play more video games and watch more movies… I don’t think I am going to start a free college course, and am going to try and stop searching for the next big question… 

I like to try and believe that I can eventually get back to my mindset before all of this started… I think I can… hopefully be mentally and physically relaxed… Very anxious right now… 

I think the year of recovery is going good though, and that I am making progress… I look forward to starting back to college though, although I might feel a little too dependent on it right now, I am anxious to start and have some new big questions asked! I just keep searching for questions right now, definitely in problem solving mode currently, need to be more in an enjoying the ride mindset… 

Think I just wanted to hear myself talk a little bit today and write something, a little therapeutic and a bit of a mental release… 

I think that Big Picture, I am probably on the right track… just have to push through this phase and let my mind learn to adjust… 

I hope you are all doing well! Your hard work is appreciated, life is tough here on Earth! 

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