This corona virus like everything else gets put through my schizophrenic filter and enters into my own unique world...
Like I have said before my unique world is locked in anymore, I can’t turn back, I have come too far mentally. In my head I am currently involved in an initiation that also turned into a bet against evil organizations and people to see if I would kill myself and not survive it. It is essentially an initiation to be King of the World anymore… It involves royal families, mafia’s, countries, families, powerful organizations, etc... Pretty much everyone is involved in some shape or form anymore.
I have told quite a few people about my thoughts and ideas. I of course even have this public blog and have written a couple books that explain my beliefs. I have told psychiatrists, family members, and friends alike. I have sent out postcards for my website and have even paid for advertisements. I once even went to the emergency room to try and get admitted to the mental hospital telling them I was suicidal and gave them a copy of my book “why I think I am God’s son: realist or madman”, only to be turned away… I tweet quite a bit about thoughts and ideas… Nobody ever has anything to say to me about it, not even one internet troll… Many years of this… I am fully locked in now and nothing can change my mind anymore… To me, it would be completely illogical to not believe what I believe…
I start off with these statements, because the thoughts I am about to share are rather profound… How could someone come to feel they are in such a massive conspiracy? Built such an unbelievable and airtight world inside their head? To believe all of this without a doubt in their mind all while living such a seemingly mundane life? These beliefs are what I truly believe, the world I live in everyday…
I am not quite sure what to make of this corona virus pandemic, whether to believe it or not… It almost seems like they are trying to tell me something else altogether… One of my current beliefs about it, is that it is indeed all fake. Part of me wants to believe that they are signaling an end to my ordeal is near, that it will end on Easter. It is almost like the end is near and they are taking precautions for whatever may happen, even preparing for a possible war or for some bad actors to do some bad things. They are letting me know in a unique way that we are preparing for this to be over soon and want me to just stay home and away from people until this over. They almost seem worried like someone might do something to me before we get to the end. It’s an all hands-on deck situation, preparing for worst possible outcomes. This would be the best possible belief I hold about this situation, that the end of my ordeal is near at hand, to end on Easter. The President seems to mention Easter a lot even though opening everything up on Easter would be pretty illogical in this corona virus pandemic world view. Easter is also one of the occasions I believe that my situation might possibly end on… I believe it may end on Easter, My Birthday, or on New Year’s Day.
Which brings me to my second belief, that this is all a ruse to make me excited my situation will end, only to then disappoint me when the day comes and goes with no change. These holidays were always some of my most depressing and suicidal times. Every day leading up to them wondering if my ordeal would end. One day excited, the next mad and depressed thinking it was going to come and go. I also think they always did things around these times to put me through that roller coaster, maximizing the pain around those holidays, hoping I would want to kill myself. I was so depressed years ago that the holidays were my lifeline, counting down the days until they came, hoping my situation would end and I would be happy again. The thing is that now I am pretty happy in general, even within my current situation, even planning out a life that I think could be somewhat enjoyable even if it never does end. My enemies may be really desperate right now, they are running out of ways and money to make me suicidal. I wouldn’t be surprised if this was all a ruse for them to try and get me all depressed again. As outlandish as that would all have to be considering what is going on. Such a massive ruse that everyone is helping out with, world leaders and all… Nobody in the world doesn’t know what is going on anymore… except maybe some hidden tribes or something in the jungle…
Third, maybe this corona virus thing is all real… Maybe that is why my friend asked me to hang out weeks ago when he was sick, which I later got sick. Maybe they wanted to infect me before this all got potentially really out of hand and I may not be able to get a bed or something if I needed it. Maybe there really is this really big pandemic going on… which of course I will continue to act like there is just in case… Something like that Dean Koontz book having a Wuhan virus in it can make me so skeptical though, they may have even said the date in the book as well. Things like that always feel like little hints that they want me to know it is all fake.
Maybe it is some sort of amalgamation of all three things… That all three things are present… That it is real, but people are trying to use the opportunity to make me as depressed as possible like always. Maybe they worry more for my safety around these holidays when they are worried something might happen, maybe there has been some credible threats made or something… I don’t know. I do know that anytime I have left the house recently I have seen a cop, even off duty cops at the store… I definitely think that people want me to stay home regardless of the situation and that there may be some sort of security risk. I even see cops drive by the house when I go into the kitchen to eat… Maybe all part of the ruse… Maybe all an effort to really keep me at home and even have found a way to even make me a little scarred to go out, not to mention shut down anywhere I might go, or make them too busy and make me not want to go, or only open at times I wouldn’t want to go.
I am trying to only go to the local store once a week or have a family member pick up things… I only have to go to the hospital one more time to get my medicine before Easter… That should be the most that I leave… I am trying to play along even if I am not sure I believe it, I have went though many years of this stuff now, not much I tend to believe in regards to my situation ending, certainly a level of learned helplessness going on there, as well as protecting my mental well–being.
This is the World I live in inside my head though… It is a wild world for sure… Always living in some World Altering conspiracy theory… It is all I know anymore and there is no possible way of turning back mentally now…
theeclecticschizophrenic.com 