I found a small lump in my palm yesterday… under the pinky and ring finger area. A couple nights before I felt like I jammed or sprained my pinky finger while I was sleeping, which the pain went away by that night… I started looking up knot in hand and bump in palm and all signs seemed to point to Dupuytren’s contracture. Which could definitely make sense given another issue I have, but won’t mention here today. To make it worse, when I was looking up information, they seemed to say it is pretty rare to get it before you are like 45 and those that get it early normally have a more severe case of it.
I thought, dang, there goes my hands in the future. Maybe not gone, but very limited once it really starts to sets in. I of course sat there last night thinking, why? I thought, man, God gave it to me pretty good with my situation, mental conditions, and other conditions… Now I am going to have like permanent hand problems once this stuff sets in?
I thought man, this will make it really hard to fully enjoy doing things I love doing. I was thinking, even if my situation ends, anymore I have issues piling up that are going to limit my enjoyment when this is all over. I was thinking, what the heck? Why not give me more of a break in this lifetime and let me enjoy it more, especially after everything I have been through and am going through. I was thinking, I am not feeling like I am going to be very rewarded in this lifetime for everything I have been through.
I thought about it and thought about it… then I thought, well it is for a reason… and I started to feel like it was meant to continue to keep me grounded in this lifetime, to remind me that our lives here are a life of service and that this lifetime isn’t meant for extreme care free enjoyment. “For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many” (Mathew 20:28).
I thought, Man, I can’t enjoy a drink or a little bit of ganja anymore because of my mental condition, my knees are kind of going on my already, my hands are apparently going on me, having some other physical issues that are a bit more private, pretty bad anxiety, schizophrenia, etc… I am certainly not meant to fully enjoy this life and get my party on here ya know?
I have been given a taste of the potential of Life… but I have been made to stay grounded in this lifetime and treat it as a life of service. I am sure by example in many ways…
I am made to dream of Heaven, and to learn to truly believe that it exists and to look forward to it… To realize that is where the true celebration lies… To suffer here in many ways, but to find ways to find happiness through it… I find ways not just for me, but perhaps even more to help others that suffer and to help future generations.
I have been going through grief in some ways for many years… I grieve that this lifetime isn’t meant for enjoyment for the most part. I grieve that my dreams can’t all come true here and that I must look to Heaven out of necessity. I grieve that I must learn to truly believe and accept a life of service here. I grieve because I see my life continuing to be limited here. I grieve because part of me still says, what if Heaven isn’t real? What if I never get to have the fun I really want to have.
I am at the acceptance portion of grief for sure… I need to truly accept many things and to truly believe in Heaven… Only then will I be over this grief and enjoy my life to the fullest here… Part of the grief process of life is truly believing in Heaven in my opinion, only then can we let go of many of our griefs and the much greater grief of life…
We grieve things in life… but life itself here must also be grieved… When we finally grieve life, we can let go of many of our other grievances within this life…
We should try to live a life of service here… then enjoy an eternity of Celebration…
Even now I sit here and am thinking during this stressful week, wondering if my situation will end this Easter… thinking if it doesn’t, then I guess it must be important that I am going to college while under these conditions… I must continue to serve…
You would think realizing that I may have Dupuytren’s contracture would make me more depressed… but it is almost more mentally freeing in some ways… God is forcing me to finish the grieving process of life here, and to get through it while I am young as well… He is making me and others see that this life is meant to be a life of service… to also share this message… we are here for a purpose and to carry out a plan…
This universe is clearly not meant to be where society will forever live and thrive… it shows us the potential of life though, and it can show us the promise of the life in Heaven…
I think I will stop here for today although I feel I could probably go on…
(Disclaimer): I may not have Dupuytren’s Contracture and have just fallen down the googling your symptoms rabbit hole… Even my symptom (Small Bump in Palm) may be something that has always been there and I just finally noticed. Doesn’t help that I am a little bit of a hypochondriac. I still like what I wrote either way, helped inspire me…
theeclecticschizophrenic.com 