I am somewhat comfortable these days, but my comfort feels like it is on a limited timeline. For the next couple years I will be in school, and I enjoy school in some ways, although I wish I was only taking one class a semester. I like school enough, and feel it is important enough to my well-being, that I was planning on taking a class every semester even if I got disability. It is a bit of a happy place for me, and I think that my brain was trained in a way for school. It was all my brain really knew for 20 something years. And, being a very habitual person that requires routine, and believing I have autism, I just think my brain is wired for school and that it helps with my overall mental well-being.
So, the next couple years will be pretty good, except for already worrying about what I will do when I get done with school. I am very scared to have to try and do a normal job again. Like I have discussed before, stress is very bad for me. When I have to work and when I get stressed, I get rather severe depression and all that goes along with it. I don’t just feel like I have depression though, to me it feels like I am under attack. It feels like people are trying to make me kill myself. It can just take me to a dark place mentally. It turns into a horrible existence. Managing my stress level has become a very important part of my life. Also, there isn’t much grey area to my moods, I am either like the happiest person in the world or one of the most depressed people in the world. It’s tough for sure. Looking back over my life, I see how I have actually been like that my whole life, but I was rather good at avoiding stress most my life. My condition has also gotten much worse in general though. When I was younger, I never really felt like I had a disability or anything. Now I truly feel like a bit of a mental patient and that I have a disability. It is very much a part of everyday life.
So, where am I going with this conversation? The comfort level and the impending end of this comfortable situation…
Mentally, I am in an alright place right now and I don’t want to disturb that. But I have to start making some moves to hopefully provide myself with a comfortable lifestyle in the future. I would love if this Blog and making my art was somewhat successful. I really don’t need too much to live comfortably, I am a rather simple person in that way. I find joy in many of the simple pleasures in life.
The thing is, if I want the blog to be successful, I will need to start promoting it and sharing it more. This could disrupt my current comfort level. I worry about what my friends and family might think or say. What will happen when I invite more people into my world? Will friends think I am crazy and not want to hang out with me anymore? Will family make comments that upset me or make me feel embarrassed or ashamed? What might I have to go through? Who knows what might happen? Perhaps not much, in the past when I branched out, nothing much came of it.
I originally thought my story and all my ideas would spread like wildfire and that I would be successful, but that did not happen. I am not sure how successful I will become or how fast it will happen. The thing I worry about more in some ways is disrupting my current lifestyle and making it worse. Although I have learned to fly solo pretty well over the years. It was not easy, especially being a very social person. The last year or so has been the best of the last decade or so, finally talking and hanging out with a couple people pretty regularly. Guess I am just afraid of losing that potentially.
I have to give this Blog a real chance though if I would like to live comfortably and happily in the future. Will have to put myself out there and invite more people in. Thinking of sharing a post to my Facebook Family & Friends in the near future and starting to advertise a bit. Have to go for it, like I said, I feel like my current comfort is on a limited timeline if I don’t make some moves.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained…