I have been living too much in the future recently…

I have been living too much in the future recently, I feel the future. I travel to the future in my mind and feel pain and depression that does not exist yet or may not ever even exist… 

Depression hit me pretty hard this New Year’s… I am almost embarrassed by some of the thoughts that come out of me and that I go on to share. I think it helps me to survive though, sometimes you just want to feel like you are being heard. Plus, I just find my blogging rather therapeutic in many ways. So, thanks for sticking around through some of the craziness. Trying to get my mind back under control, I was actually doing rather well right up until about New Year’s Day and then it was like my mind couldn’t hold back my negative thoughts anymore, it sure did try though. 

When I am really depressed the thought of working just feels so unbearable… Then my brain starts looking for when I will have to work next and how to avoid it. It’s also some old bad mental habits just dying hard.  

I just started hyper focusing on my life after I get done with school and when I must re-enter the workforce. School can be stressful, but it doesn’t compare to other forms of labor. Like I have said before, sometimes brushing my teeth can be exhausting and I rather dread having to vacuum once a week. So, I was just panicking about working again. That is a bit of an aha moment honestly, that when I am depressed, I jump right to thinking about work. I could start thinking of some mental tricks to help me next time it hits me really hard again. That is one of that last really depressive thought lines I still have. I no longer really get depressed or stressed about my past, I just get depressed thinking about my future when I am depressed. 

When I really think about it, I shouldn’t be too depressed about work in the future. I will figure something out. Not to mention, there is a good chance I will be in a better place mentally by then if I keep working on myself. I have been thinking about how I probably will still only need to work 3 hours a day or so when I get done with school, because I don’t have many expenses. I feel like there is a good chance I will find some employer looking for someone that only wants to work a little part time. I think I will be alright when I really think about it, just have to trust that things will work out. And who knows, maybe I will get some chance to make my little coffee shop or something else may come a long. This needs to be like my mantra for the next couple years and for when I fall back into little depressive periods. 

Hopefully now I can get back to the present moment. Will have to start being more mindful throughout the days for sure. I have to go back to being deliberate in my mindfulness…