“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”…

I am not really sure what I think will come of this Blog anymore… Where I think it will go or how I will make money from it. I have a hard time imagining I will ever get enough daily views to be able to get enough from advertising to pay my monthly costs of living… I suppose I hope maybe some people might pay me to make art or I will start selling some books or something. I guess I will just see where it goes and adjust accordingly if things ever change. It is more just a hobby at this point, and that is probably the best perspective to take. I hate getting my hopes up about things to then have them come crashing down, best to get in the right mindset.  

Part of me hopes one day I am going to wake up some morning and see that it has went viral or something although that is quite the pipe dream… that would probably be the most optimal, what a wild ride that would be. 

It is still a fun hobby even if I don’t get many if any views… if you know my beliefs, practically the whole world is already reading this and enjoying my posts and art. Although I think most everyone is mad that I am in this situation… There is just this great barrier between me and the real world, this upbringing/initiation/bet I am in… I just have to imagine what the world thinks of my work in a way, plus I get some feedback through various other means. I just receive no compensation for my efforts. 

I am positive I have worked out the logic to prove the existence of God… to me that is Nobel Prize winning stuff… surely something that would be shared or go viral… I literally haven’t heard one thing about it yet. I heard a little about my first article “A case for God”, but have heard nothing about my subsequent posts. It just doesn’t make logical sense at all to me that my blog posts aren’t shared, it has to be something else. It can be pretty depressive honestly. I still find it so hard to believe some of the rules of my situation that “my side” agreed to, supposedly good people. It is all just so insane; I have a hard time understanding the rules in general. It’s almost impossible for me to ever feel and live comfortably within the rules, very frustrating. Like I like to say at times, if I had a magic button that would take me to Heaven, I would have been gone a long time ago. As it stands, I have an unbelievably strong will to live here… dare I say unfortunately… 

Part of me still hopes in a way that if I can’t succeed on being smart… that some other angle is still marketable… can I succeed being the Schizophrenic Artist? Can I succeed on Pity? Can I succeed being the Schizophrenic living in his own crazy world and people find it fascinating? Not looking too good though, I have gone down this path before… this is most likely some last remnants of wishful thinking on my part… Especially considering I was denied disability, that wasn’t a good sign for many different angles… 

I think I am essentially required to do some labor no matter how much it pains me… I was thinking about that a lot today. Hopefully if I have to, I may be able to find some part time work that isn’t too hard on me after I finish school… which is still two years away… that is just how much I fear work though for the most part, that I am so worried about it two years away and unable to enjoy being in the present moment… 

Been a bit of a depressive New Years, so that is probably another reason why I am clinging to the hope of something coming from this blog and my art. When I am depressed and imagine working, it’s a bit of a nightmare. I don’t know why I haven’t given up hope on this blog and my art yet honestly, I have been trying to make this work for about a decade now in various forms, each time with similar results… 

I decided to even make a Facebook ad again… probably a waste of money like usual… but for a dollar a day, I suppose there is some chance of something working out… I have no way of knowing for sure what the rules of my situation are or how they may change… maybe both sides will agree to some new crazy story line for my life or something… 

The dollar a day in advertising at least signifies the potential of something different everyday… a new person it could reach, a new potential story line. I was kind of doing the same thing every day and hoping things would change… which there is of course that famous quote, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”. Which, considering my history in chasing down this pipe dream, I may have already entered into the insanity territory despite trying to advertise again… 

This post just turned into quite the rant, one of those days I guess… 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s