Easter time is here again. I have been very anxious and hyper the last week or so. At first, I thought it may be about a new opportunity happening in my life, but now I think it is something else. In 2008, 13 years ago, around this time is when my life started to get really crazy. I was starting to have some wild thoughts the week or so leading up to easter, but the night before Easter felt like a real turning point. That night I felt like I was drugged in the bar, maybe I was, maybe I wasn’t. Either way, the next morning is when my brain really opened up to new thoughts. The flood gates of thoughts were open, which kicked off a very wild journey.
That next week I didn’t even go into work, I didn’t think I needed to go to work, I was entering into a new world in my head, I was discovering I wasn’t who I thought I was. I basically just hung out on my friend’s couch for a week, just in deep thought, occasionally browsing the internet. I was expecting something to happen, I wasn’t sure exactly what, but part of my feeling was that people would provide for me in a way that I wouldn’t have to work anymore. At the end of that first week, my family approached me and asked me to go to the hospital, where I signed myself into the behavioral science unit for a week. It was an interesting experience in there to say the least. Some old thoughts are coming back to me now as I write.
I write that to say that Easter became very significant in my head. As my schizophrenia developed and my capability to work diminished, I started to get really stressed out. Work felt like hell to put it one way, like I was being punished. It really felt more like I was being attacked by outside forces. One of my biggest goals for 13 years has been to find a way to not have to work, or at least find a job that I could do very comfortably. Work really makes me suicidal, like I am fighting for my life. To make me work, is to make me feel like I am fighting for my life every day. Its cruel and unusual punishment from my point of view, feels like the people and society that are making me work are attacking me and trying to make me kill myself. Its hell, it is what I call the initiation/bet/upbringing I feel I am in. I feel I have done many things that would get me out of having to work. I even feel like many people would gladly donate money to not have me work. I have to work, because of the initiation/bet/upbringing.
So, having to work, I was very depressed and suicidal for many years. We’re talking, thinking about suicide almost every day for a long period. It was a horrible existence. I felt the only solution was for this initiation/bet/upbringing to finally be over. I felt completely reliant on this situation being over. I would come to feel it was going to end on my birthday, new year’s, easter, or some other possible significant date that I could think up in my head. Setting different dates I thought it would end helped me survive, but also made me very stressed/depressed/anxious/angry/etc… I was constantly going back and forth in my mind if it would really end or not, excited one hour and then depressed the next thinking it wouldn’t end. A significant date would come and go, and I would set my sights on the next one, hoping it would bring my situation to an end, it was the little hope I was holding on to, to get me through.
Easter was also one of the most significant ones in my mind, one of the dates I would hold out great hope for. Like I said previously, while it provided hope, these dates were a great source of stress for me and also caused a great deal of depression when they came and went. I developed a lot of very bad mental habits around these dates. Bad habits that got ingrained in my brain.
Anymore I am starting to get to a point where I don’t rely on these dates for hope in order to survive. I am actually getting to a point where I am almost comfortable with the idea of surviving even if this initiation/bet/upbringing never ends. Hopefully it ends though, I would still say that I am more surviving these days rather than thriving. The thing is, that many of the bad mental habits I developed don’t seem to want to go away as easily as I would like. On a plus note, they are mainly getting pushed out of my consciousness and into my subconscious, but they still affect me though.
So, that is why I think I have been so anxious lately, just some old Easter season bad thought habits dying hard. It hasn’t been too bad though; I haven’t even had too many really depressive thoughts and I am also a little excited about some other things happening in my life. I have been channeling my energy probably the best way I can right now.
Which is why I decided to write today, just hyper the last few days, needed to have a little writing therapy session. Normally while school is in session, I don’t really have the energy to work on my blog, but I am certainly full of energy today. Will be happy when Easter day officially comes and goes, and my mind can move on. I am hoping I made some mental progress this Easter season though and that the next one will come and go even more smoothly.
That’s about it for today I suppose… good place to stop. I hope everyone has a good Easter!