“Hope my situation ends” dates…

I have been thinking about going back to work soon. Have been doing some thinking and calculating numbers in my head and came to feel one of the best ideas may be to get a part time job after this semester. It really would be the best thing I could do probably, but then I start thinking about working a regular job again… 

When I start thinking about going back to work, I realize how much I am still surviving rather than thriving. It makes me really depressed and stressed thinking about it, even a part time job. I know what stresses me out and how fragile my mind is, it is hard to find a job that already exists that I can comfortably do.  

When I think up an idea for myself on how to make money, it is very tailored to me personally. Very tailored to making me feel comfortable. The coffee shop I have been thinking up seems perfect for me in my head. When I think about owning my own coffee shop, I don’t even plan for making minimum wage. That doesn’t matter, I would much rather work 50 hours a week at a job that makes me comfortable than 16 hours at one that does not. Really hoping I can bring the coffee shop idea to fruition and that it can work out. 

When I think about working at a normal job again, it makes me start to hope that my situation (Initiation/upbringing/bet) ends again. Being in school again, I have actually started to enjoy life again a bit, but I can only stay in school so long. But thinking about work recently, made me start thinking about my next “hope my situation ends” date… 

The next date I am hoping it ends, is my 40th birthday. Seems possible anyways. Not to mention, one time a girl asked me (kind of during all of this), if neither of us is married when we are 40 if I would marry her. That comment made my 40th birthday significant anyways, will be the next day I will be aiming to survive until. Then I just figure I will set my “hope my situation ends” dates in 5-year intervals after that. Eventually a hope date will just be the age of retirement, when I don’t have to work anymore. 

I feel like my situation is meant to end while I am still on earth anyways. I feel I am clearly involved in something… a conspiracy theory… an initiation/upbringing/bet… something… Seems logical it was designed to end… Based on what I think I know, I think there is a higher probability it was designed to end, rather than something that I was meant to endure a complete life with old age… This whole thing would be way sicker and demented than I thought, if it was designed to stay with me my whole life… Not that it isn’t already demented… but if it was designed to end, I may not feel so hostile towards people who claim to be on “my side” of things… If it lasted my whole life, I feel like heaven may be a little emptier than I sometimes think it will be… 

I can break up my schooling into 2 more years and not have to work during that period if I want to. That puts me to about the age of 39, then I would just have to survive one more year until my next “hope my situation ends” date. I am definitely going to give the coffee shop idea a go, which it may actually happen before I originally planned. If the coffee shop idea actually works, life shouldn’t be too bad. I could then be somewhat comfortable as I survive until each “hope my situation ends” date. 

I hate thinking about work… feels like an unavoidable torture just waiting for me… Maybe this coffee shop idea will work out though, a guy can hope anyways… 

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