Do I talk to the imaginary audience or the real audience? or is it the other way around?

I am having a hard time trying to figure out how I want to interact with the world as it is presented to me. There is the audience I feel I have, billions of people throughout the world (My imaginary audience), and then the audience presented to me (real audience… but not really), not many people right now… 

I feel my imaginary audience likes most things that I put out there, plus likes when I talk about myself or my “schizophrenic” thoughts and ideas, discuss how I interact in the world. Like to me, I should already be very successful at what I am doing, with very loyal readers… Like, what I am talking about right now, they (you) find this very interesting… But I have to appease the situation I am given, this initiation/bet (about me section)… 

It is so conflicting, because I feel I am the most popular person in the world but at the same time I am worried about losing the 3 people (not sure on number) reading this right now, that I am shown are viewing. So, I still feel like I have to strategically build an audience, if this is all even possible to begin with… I think I already have the audience, but I have to figure out how to build an audience within the world presented to me, if that makes sense. 

So, I am still very worried if I am still being interesting enough, or if I talk about myself too much, and things like that. Trying to find a nice balance of presenting interesting ideas while also still doing my journaling about life as a “schizophrenic”. I don’t want to put off people in this wonderland of a world I am living in… I am worried people won’t be interested at all with daily issues of my life, that I just need mind altering ideas all the time, which it is hard to live up to those expectations. I would like to hopefully link up at some point with the type of audience that can find my situation interesting, that might find this particular blog entry fascinating, this is my life everyday… blog entries like this are actually pretty easy for me. I haven’t even begun to talk about how ordinary people talking to me on the tv has become… 

I am getting close to sending out some articles to newspapers to try and self-syndicate. I worry about the same things… will I be interesting enough for the “real” audience… Can I come up with big articles constantly enough to make a living out of it? I think this is all a very marketable concept in general, so hopefully I can land a few jobs. But, I’m already worried about keeping a job I don’t even have yet… But, in my head I feel like USA Today would gladly publish anything I wanted to put out there. Such a weird conflicting feeling, I think every newspaper would gladly accept and gladly publish me, but at the same time very worried about losing a job writing for smaller newspapers while I am in this situation. 

I actually like challenges that I am capable of completing, I just worry that I might be chasing something that is already dead in the water, that the rules of this initiation/bet won’t allow it. If it is a completable task, I will probably have fun, even given the crazy situation of the competing imaginary and real audiences. I enjoy a good game for sure, whether real or computer based if that makes sense. A good challenge is enjoyable, especially within the realm of something I enjoy doing. 

This all could turn into a pretty excellent situation in many ways… definitely not the optimal world, but optimal within my situation… This may have come off as confusing as all get out for many of you, but it makes sense in my head. 

I think I meant to say the “real audience” is the billions of people, and the “imaginary audience” is the one presented to me… haha But, from the schizophrenic perspective it would be the other way around… still working on how to go about labeling what things “schizophrenic”. 

To me, my schizophrenia, is what helps allow me to realize I am living in the fake world… helps free my mind and break through some ceilings of rational beliefs… helped get me out of the box I use to live in. My schizophrenia is a little like taking the Red pill in The Matrix… “You take the red pill – You stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.” 

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