Let’s see if I can manage to express through words what I want to today…
I feel like my brain is always trying to formulate input into a big picture… If new facts come in or I think this or that is the truth, in a way my brain takes in that input and then calculates a new big picture..
It is more complicated than that, but the that is one way in which I feel my brain works…
So, while I am in this initiation/bet, I am always trying to figure out the rules of it and things like that, then calculate a big picture and try to map out a path to happiness. Which I get excited when I think I have finally given myself a chance to succeed doing something I enjoy and am good at. Which, of course if I didn’t factor the rules appropriately, I am of course met with failure and disappointment.
Once again, I think I have found a path and given myself an opportunity to succeed, I have come to believe if I am persistent, patient, and follow through with the plan, that it has the potential to work out. If it worked out on a minor scale, that would be great, but I even picture it working out on a bigger scale as well. It’s like I have to place all of the pieces on the chess board just right… word things a certain way, go about things a certain way, I have to give other people the means to go about it a certain way as well… It all has to be the right angle and approach… then we have to put the play into motion and I have to walk through it. That is what we are doing anymore, trying to write a grand play and set up the stage in a way to optimize happiness within my situation.
I get so happy and excited thinking it might work out, I forget I am in an initiation or bet. It just becomes fun and I almost have trouble even believing I am in an initiation/bet, I start to question if it hasn’t turned into something else… like the initiation/bet ended, but we are keeping up the illusion, because the process we have created is winning over hearts and bringing peace and happiness throughout the world, we are still seeing through a greater mission, if we were to change the set up, it might have bad repercussions, that the world isn’t quite ready for this to all come together yet, too many people still lay in the darkness. Too many people might just lose their minds and go nuts if everything came to a halt right now and all my dreams came true… I need to be gradually brought out of my situation so certain people can adjust to it… something like that anyways…
But, at the same time I may wonder if I still am in the initiation/bet, like to me, George H. W. Bush did not die… the fact that my disability hearing landed on the National day of mourning was not a coincidence, it was all an effort to piss me off and try and make me want to kill myself… It wasn’t just canceling and postponing the hearing, but I also get a bit upset when someone dies and we enter into Mandatory days of morning… I got a bit upset when John McCain died, because the News on every channel stopped for a week while they all showed the funeral and held a memorial, it felt like I was in a communist country. I don’t have a problem with an elaborate funeral and if everyone wants to watch it, but just put it on one channel and then show everything and talk about him all you want… Time stops for no man as they say… We all want our daily briefings of news… You’re not Funeral service channels, your news channels…I could go on… my point being it had upset me that week. So, this whole George H.W. Bush thing in my opinion was just an elaborate effort to upset and depress me… That is how big I think this whole thing is though, it has infected everywhere…
But, even then, when I get so happy like this, I might think… maybe they are trying to delay me a bit to get me doing exactly what I am doing now. Being in a position to set an example, they may be trying to avoid me getting disability… they may worry about a chain reaction of people trying to get disability as well or all the people getting upset that didn’t disability when they applied. It would be a success in their opinion if they could get me to avoid going on disability… they would feel better about denying people if I found a way to work, if he can do it, you can do it…
A few possibilities though… Part of me thinks the bet is still in full swing, and the other part of me at times tells me it is over, but the system that came to be works so well, that we are now on a like a different mission in a way… If that makes sense… just too many people not in the optimum mental state yet… gatta change some minds and help some more severely depressed people… Perhaps we are just telling people I am still in the initiation bet…
Calculating…. Calculating…
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