I want to be calm, but does it come at a cost to my creativity?

I woke up today with a rather clear head, the racing thoughts having been calmed quite a bit. It becomes difficult to hear my own voice in my head even. It leaves me with mixed emotions, it is a very relaxed mind feeling, makes me feel like watching a movie or something of that nature. Which is very good and what I should hope for… Calm is a great feeling, I feel completely in the moment and I almost can’t think. 

I have come a long way to calming my mind, to feel like I can’t think is a great accomplishment, I think I have told you guys this story before, but the first time that happened to me years ago scared me actually. I had gotten so use to my racing thoughts all the time, when I was dreaming one night and had found myself not thinking about anything, I actually woke up very frightened, I was almost worried I had lost my memory or something, like I had lost the ability to think. I was sitting up in my bed panicking, trying to think of absolutely anything I could. I have had to gradually get back to points like this, where I could feel comfortable with a relaxed mind. 

I should be very happy… I am… I just worry when I start to get involved with an idea like this blog and doing a podcast and all that I am losing my edge. My brain firing on all cylinders certainly sparks many thoughts and ideas, sometimes I can just sit there and write ideas in my idea book all day. 

So today when I awoke with my quiet mind and came into work, I sat there with my idea book trying to think of something… which I couldn’t really think of anything, and that makes me worry, which will in turn probably fire my brain back up… but I am not sure I want it to be fired up, I have to embrace this inner calmness and learn not to panic when I am in it, trust that ideas will still come to me, heck I will probably get many by watching movies and things like that. 

I also can’t be afraid to just have a day talking like this… that is the other concern, that if I don’t have that ground breaking thought every day, that this blog won’t work out… Everything has to have that wow factor. I do think I need to keep perhaps a better daily journal of just normal thoughts throughout the day… well normal to me anyways, having a conversation with the people on the news in the morning is just so normal to me anymore, it’s not like I think any of that is a big deal or interesting… So many things I think people tell me through indirect methods are meant to just help direct me a bit and not to be shared. 

Like I have been thinking about starting a 15-minute daily blog… I might start seeing more about starting the blog or hearing something like 15 minutes is good, etc… “The Army” and “My Family” you might say, trying to help encourage me to do things. These are things that some people might think to themselves as signs from God or the universe ya know… but I just think they are actual people trying to help direct me through my situation or to encourage me to do things that will make me happy. 

Sometimes I feel like “my family” or “the army” is trying to over micromanage my life, I can only take so many instructions or ideas about what I should do at a time… 

But it is all the time, I try to find meaning in many things that I see, I have to find a comfortable line of not trying to find meaning in every little tiny thing, that can get extremely exhausting… Example though: At the top of the stairs by the new office there is a bit of a low railing I worry about falling over, I have been thinking about getting a piece of plywood and putting it up to help eliminate the possibility of my falling off the second-floor stairs… I might then start seeing more things about cutting wood or construction in my Facebook news feed… to me it’s like people telling me I need to get on that ya know. 

I try not to complain too much about the micro-managing, because I feel it is a nice way for people to show that they care about me, makes me feel good. It is nice that people are worried about you getting in a car accident or something. Plus, all the little conversations and suggestions help fight the boredom throughout the day… it is just finding a happy medium, when they try to make too many things have a hidden meaning, then I might have trouble not looking at everything as a hidden meaning, which then I might make a meaning out of nothing, or take something that wasn’t meant to mean anything the wrong way… things like that… 

I am getting much better at it… Sometimes I think they even say things to get me to search out certain things on google to then get some message in that way… everything has to be indirect though ya know… nobody is allowed to directly say things as part of the rules… 

Random thoughts today…

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