The seemingly mundane put through the Schizophrenic filter…

(This post was written yesterday, 8/1/2019)

Haven’t done one of these posts in a while… when I describe something that happens to me through the lens of the Wonder Land inside my head… what some may call my Schizophrenic Delusions… 

Yesterday some brake fluid started leaking out the end of one of my brakes and ended up breaking the shoes inside the brake as well… I had just started driving down the road when it sounded like I hit something, which I didn’t see anything in front of me that I could have hit but I really gave a good look through the rear views and around the car to make sure I didn’t hit anything… certainly didn’t sound good… plus the brakes started to feel real soft and would press down rather far, definitely felt sketchy… I went to the laundromat anyways and came back… then I decided to contact the repair shop to see what I should do… they decided I should bring it in, so I drove it down, waited a bit and was told the news that I mentioned at the beginning of this paragraph… got a ride home from my father and that was that… 

That was what happened… a seemingly mundane happenstance that can occur in everyday life when you have a car, nothing that hasn’t happened before in the history of cars… 

But I get to thinking… and can’t help but start imagining some kind of conspiracy theory… In my head I am in an initiation to be King of the World, an initiation that turned into a bet that I couldn’t survive the duration of it… it is very hard for me to accept random occurrences as being random, especially with my car, I have to imagine that people go above and beyond to make sure my car is well maintained so things like this don’t happen… The majority of the world is rather invested in my survival (in my head)… 

Plus, I have been feeling like there has been a bit of a push by the other side lately to make my life miserable… I think it is a pay to play type system, where they have to spend so much money in order to have certain things done to me within the landscape of my life… but lately I feel like they have been spending a lot of money that they must have saved up… they certainly don’t have the spending money like they had some years ago, plus I have gotten better at dealing with things… this last couple weeks might have been really rough for me some years ago… 

My brain can really start firing when I end up in potentially dangerous situations though… I have come to feel those instances are a combination of things… I feel that my enemies have found a loophole within the rules of the bet and that someone negotiating deals from my side of the bet has fallen to corruption and darkness a bit… 

I would certainly call that a potentially dangerous situation… leaking braking fluid… if I kept driving without it getting fixed, my brakes could have certainly gone out on me when I was driving… potentially could have died in all reality…  

I definitely think there are rules that they can’t outright kill me… and I think for the most part they can’t even really pay to put me in any life-threatening situations… which is why I tend to think they found a loop hole when I end up in these situations… 

But they also can’t exploit loopholes so freely… otherwise I would be subject to them more often… I think there are certain things that can always be paid for if they put up the money, but I think there are so many deals that are negotiated through some system and within the rules of the bet… things that have to be signed off on, even on my side… so, I tend to believe that someone had to have signed off on this potentially life ending experience… which I don’t think anyone on my side, in their right mind, would sign off on what happened yesterday… seems like way too risky of a proposition… 

I have come to feel that negotiators on my side sometimes become mentally corrupted, or almost always eventually do… must have something to do with being around all of that power and money… power can certainly corrupt, they say that absolute power corrupts absolutely, and I believe it… I’m not exactly sure how these negotiations take place and how much of a chance my enemy has to get inside the negotiator’s heads, or if they just start to become extremely delusional all by themselves… But I feel they sometimes help or try themselves to take a chance at taking me out or maximizing efforts to try and make me kill myself… it’s one of the only options that makes sense inside my head… at least the most positive one, all things considered… 

One time I almost got into a bad accident on the highway when some huge car part or pipe was in the road, can’t remember exactly, but it was way too close for comfort… and I just can’t imagine that people aren’t checking the roads before I go places… heck I think that pretty much every driver on the road is either a professional or at least part of an orchestrated effort… 

I think I am pretty much the only independent variable on the road in many ways… nobody knows exactly how I will act when I come across various situations… part of the reason they want me to stop driving and start getting rides everywhere… stop being on the road as much as possible for that matter… 

So… I think there are some loopholes and some negotiators that can become mentally corrupted… which can put me into potentially dangerous situations at times, they essentially become assassination attempts in a way… in the past they also made me very mad, as I didn’t understand them very well, and also wasn’t in a good place mentally… they are just really bad situations… 

All things considered; I really probably should stop driving… it’s one of the biggest points of weakness in my situation… one of the areas that can be exploited in potentially dangerous ways… Another reason why people would really like me to stop driving… which I think I will stop come New Year’s when my insurance runs out… if everything goes as planned, I might not really ever need a car and to drive again… I was even thinking yesterday, if I become a therapist, I could always get a duplex or something and turn one side into my office or something and just live right next to or above my place of business… I’ll figure it out… I shouldn’t really need one while I am at school either 

This is an example of what the seemingly mundane can turn into in my head though… maybe it was just a random happenstance… in my head the odds are against that though… the odds are greatly against that… still possible, just almost impossible for me to believe… 

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