The perceived world, and the world I see in front of me…

It is quite the mental acrobatics I go through on a daily basis… which I know I have talked about this before, but I am in the mood to talk about it again… so here I go… 

There is the perceived world and the world I see in front of me… I really have made it into a big soap opera that I live through every day in a way. I don’t believe much of anything… the only thing I really believe is when I see or read about natural disasters, but even then, I sometimes even wonder when footage was taken or something of that nature… Maybe they still want me to believe we are not making any headway on the environment and climate change… 

Everyone is an actor in my life… I just walk through a play that keeps me in the illusion…  

But every day I learn to live and walk through the play better… 

I watch hours of the News (Soap Opera) everyday… it is my favorite program… I can talk and discuss about everything as if I don’t perceive it as a soap opera, but I perceive it as a soap opera enough to not get worked up about anything anymore… I am happy I have gotten to that point, because I really enjoy the news and being caught up on current events… it is a very interactive soap opera indeed… even when I started to really believe it was all fake, I still had a really hard time not getting worked up about things… Part of the reason, is because I think people watch me, so if it is something bad, people would expect me to be mad or stop watching it… I was very conflicted as I was trying to settle into the idea of being more comfortable not having the news have any big effects on me… I didn’t want people to think my morals or righteousness changed at all… as well as I had to make myself truly believe it is just a big soap opera for an audience of one… 

Part of me wants to stop this blog and everything as I further progress into my chosen profession of becoming a therapist… Who would want advice from someone living in their own world? 

I think some people would, especially if I more just specialize in general anxiety and depression, things I suffered very badly from and pulled myself out of… They are things I deal with every day and have learned to manage pretty well; I enjoy my life for the most part… I might enjoy it more helping people with their problems… 

It isn’t as much that my possible delusions come from not understanding people and not being able to help them… they come in large part from caring about people too much… I can’t live in a world full of injustice and suffering… After trying everything I could to make the world a better place to no avail, I had to create a better world inside my head, otherwise I am not sure I would survive… I tried everything I could do within my power, I saw no effect on the world whatsoever, for the most part… 

Part of me even wants to keep the title “The Eclectic Schizophrenic” into my private practice someday… Just own it… Not try to hide anything… I think it would still draw a certain crowd… I even thought I might do something different when I open up my place someday, have interviews with possible clients, an interview that goes both ways, deciding if we are the right fit for each other before making financial investments. 

I think I am on the right path anyways… just have to make the grades and stay on the path now… 

Don’t really know where I wanted to go with this blog post today… I think I was just more in the mood to write… been a while… 

Hope everyone is doing well and having a good Holiday Season! 

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