I decided to write a blog post before school let out… A bit stressed and I find this therapeutic, get it out of my system. They also say writing it down helps you gain perspective on things. Plus, if you all know me, I already think pretty much the whole world reads this… gives me a chance to gauge some reactions from various means. Then of course I also write in hopes that this Blog may be successful someday… I just need it to be a little successful… 

Well, to get to it and be Frank, I have been stressed and a bit mad about a recent occurrence. My disability hearing got postponed for the second time, the last time I had to wait 5 months for the next scheduled date… so that is a bit depressing and stressful for a multitude of reasons… 

For the guy that thinks there is a massive conspiracy being transpired against him, a conspiracy in which I feel that I am in an initiation that turned into a bet that I couldn’t survive it without killing myself… having my disability hearing postponed twice certainly serves to only strengthen my belief in in it… 

Which of course, like always it always seems like they try to get my hopes up as much as possible before breaking my heart a bit, make it hurt as much as possible… It really felt like all the stars were aligning this time and that this was all going to work out… then there is always little things, for instance the date of my hearing is the same date that Harry Potter defeats Voldemort in the books… on my college website there was recently a post about celebrating someone’s retirement on the date of my hearing… I feel like I get tons of messages about retirement and its all over, etc etc… so I really start to believe it and get my hopes up. 

Then my dad is retiring soon and closing down the shop, so I will be losing my job… so it seemed like it might time up pretty perfect with that… all in all it really got my hopes up before tearing my heart out a bit… putting me in a situation where I am going to have to figure out some things to get by in the meantime… I will definitely be dipping into my 401K… 

Another interesting thing was that Notre Dame Cathedral fire… it timed up almost to the minute of the time I was meeting with my disability lawyer to talk about my hearing coming up… I wasn’t sure what to make of it… was I being threatened? were other people being threatened? What else might it mean? It actually made me feel more likely like this was all going to work out… I am Catholic and a fan of Notre Dame, so I wasn’t so sure what to make of it… I almost wondered if people on my side almost weren’t taking out their own piece of history and important artifact to show that they meant business in a way or something… if that makes sense… either way it was obviously meant to get inside my head… I came to wonder if my enemy didn’t pay to have it burned as some way of getting in my head at this trying time… which I would have to imagine they would have to put up a lot of money to see that thing burned down just to screw with me… 

I got told Friday my hearing got canceled/postponed… then it seemed like everyone wanted me to drive somewhere that weekend… probably hoping I would feel suicidal and get in a car, increasing my chances I might decide to drive into a tree or something… then it also felt like a big effort to make me start believing the news again, trying to convince me that the news is all real and fill my heads with various conspiracy theories about who managed to get my hearing postponed again… felt they were really trying to play into the white supremacist angle… 

Lots of shootings going on, churches burning, hate crimes, etc… I think a bunch of money has been spent recently… which I am hoping is more just some last-ditch effort to screw with me as much as possible before I get disability… I am still hopeful I am going to get it… but this might just be all part of some ploy and long series of events to cause me as much pain as possible on my way to not getting approved for disability… would not surprise me in the least… 

I am trying to remain cautiously optimistic… planning to not get disability while hoping I do get it… Hopefully this was all part of some sort of series of deals that all culminates with me getting it… maybe… I guess I shouldn’t have expected to get it too easily, even if I do get it… 

On a plus note… I will be graduating community college in a couple weeks… graduating Phi Theta Kappa… which is nice, cause one of my backup plans might be going back to a 4-year school, not this year, but possibly the next fall if I don’t get disability. I am not sure though; I worry about the debt and my condition and how well I would even do in that atmosphere. There is a national scholarship for schizophrenics I may try and apply for, then I wouldn’t have to worry about the financial debt. It is tough though, because what I am good at and comfortable doing, some consider meaningless degrees in a way, not many job opportunities… but it may be a path I decide to walk down… 

Then of course, maybe this blog will work out someday… 

Has definitely felt like an assault on my mind recently though… trying to make sense of it the best I can and in a way that brings me inner peace… 

Well… I thought I would be able to keep up this blog during my last semester at community college, but it is all a bit too much I am finding out. My more severe schizophrenic symptoms are brought about from too much stress… when I get above a certain level of stress one of the main things I start to feel like, is that I am being attacked and that people are out to get me… really brings out all the negative feelings of feeling like you are in a bet to kill yourself… Bluntly I start to feel like I want to kill myself and that I am fighting for my life… which then I have to start trying to find some ways to shed the stress…  

I stop seeing positive things and start seeing a lot of negative… my mind wanting me to yell and vent out my stress, may even start to pile on the negativity by taking things people say and jumbling them up to make me think people are saying something mean to me…may start hearing voices trying to make me upset… 

It is just bad… like I was saying, the main thing that really happens is that I just really start to feel like wanting to kill myself and that I am fighting for my life… 

Been like thinking I am not sure I want to finish out this semester… but figure I will try and just stop doing the blog for now and see if that brings me down to a more manageable level… 

Still quite a bit of stress wondering if this disability is ever going to go through… I go back and forth a bit convincing myself if it will happen or that it won’t… stressful… I of course think about it more when I am depressed and stress, which then it compounds upon itself when I start to think about it and start feeling like I don’t have a chance to get it or something like that… 

I apologize for taking a break… it is just in my best interests at this point… For anyone just finding the site, I hope you enjoy checking out some of my ideas! 

Take care…

In my head, this is a huge idea, will revolutionize gambling and make it legitimate…

Part of me doesn’t want to share the idea, because I feel it will be stolen… but, there is probably no chance I can get it started myself… I have no money to patent it or pay someone to create it… I have done everything probably within my own power to get the idea out there and make money from it… I know when I write it like this I get a limited amount of copyright protection though… but probably someone couldn’t even steal it, because it would prove I am smart… Although even if someone stole it, I think I would still enjoy playing it so much, that it might offset a lot of the pain of having a massive idea stolen…

But… I call the idea and the business…

Gamble Junkie…

It is play money gambling… my original idea is to have a website that has an online casino, poker, sportsbook, etc… but it gets turned into a competition… You either get a bunch of friends together or get put into a league and you compete for medals… say you sign up for a 1-3 month competition… you all go gamble as much as you want for those months, and the person with the most money at the end wins the medal that would be shipped to you… a nice medal with engraving… perhaps for the top 2 or 3 finishers…

It would all be based off a membership fee that you pay a month…. then you will be able to set up different types of leagues with different rules and things like that…

I like the idea of having an app that people can take with them so friends can gamble on everything outside of the website as well… Go bowling and gamble on it, play darts, play billiards, play chess, golfing… play and gamble on everything you want… it is all play money…. I even like the idea of maybe producing some real quality paper play money that people can still roll up to get that feeling of being a professional gambler… pulling out your rolled up stack to play some billiards or something… an option anyways…

But I think this could very well go into brick and mortar stores and really take over the gambling industry… turn it into a sport… be able to go to a casino and play tables games and slots and everything… a gamblers paradise with pool tables, dart boards, poker tournaments, horse tracks, bowling alley, etc…

You want to have a just poker league, do it… want to have a slot maniacs league, do it…a combination of horse racing and poker, do it…

But I like the idea of casino’s having an overall champion every month… then maybe they win like a casino champion package, get some star treatment… reserved seats in the restaurants, a few nights stay, picture on the wall, big ol trophy, bracelet, some clothes, some free drinks throughout the month… give the winner the Vegas treatment!

Casino’s will probably end up with hall of fame’s and things like that… can have casino champions square off against other casino champions…

But I think there is a huge market for this… it is like the perfect sport for all of us that are past our real athletic days and everyone else… can play until the day you die really…

I like the idea of having a central casino and then also branching out into the surrounding towns and things with buildings to host poker tournament and things like that, maybe have some slots and billiard tables… be part of a region, where if you compete at one of those places, it also counts towards the main casino’s overall total…

This has the potential to be a very serious sport in my opinion…

And it is all play money! It should have no issues becoming legal…

I think you can get the basic idea though!

Sometimes I get some pretty wild conspiracy theories unique to my particular set of circumstances…

To begin… I have studied American and World history in school, I know the basics and many of the important events and things like that… I can have a discussion within the confines of what was taught to me…

But I will get stuck on something like what my Grandpa told me when I was little… When talking about Cuba and the family and everything, my grandpa said, “We never owned slaves”… in fact I almost think he went on to elaborate that slaves escaped and went to Cuba for protection…

So, growing up, I always thought that Cubans didn’t have slaves and that slaves actually sought refuge in Cuba… You can imagine my surprise when reading the history books that Cuba had slaves and etc, etc…

Which makes me think back to what my grandpa said… was he just saying that our family didn’t own slaves?… or was he essentially telling me the history everybody is feeding me is a lie in many ways…

Which, when I think to my situation, I almost think a large portion of what was happening, was uniting Caucasians and Hispanics/Latinos… Uniting Europe, Uniting the Americas, etc… it goes beyond that, but I have a feeling that that accounts for a generous portion of what was happening… I think it was also to unite the world as well…

So, part of me wonders if the Spanish portion of my history isn’t completely different… that Spain actually didn’t enslave people when they came to the America’s… But, a unique version of history was created for me, to help me be in the proper mindset to help unite everyone… That I also would be less likely to side more with one side of my family or the other… they created a shared blame version of history, just for me, to invoke certain beliefs and feelings…

This is just the tip of the iceberg with these train of thoughts… I may have been given a very unique history for my situation and upbringing… really makes me wonder how much different the world could have been my entire life… how much the world may have already known about me in a way… how much was to be expected of me when I got older…

I think billions, if not trillions have been invested in me in many different ways, to raise me to fulfill a very important mission…

I am sure you will be hearing more about what goes on in my mind…

I got to thinking about heaven this weekend… specifically I began to wonder about matter and resources… 

I asked myself… Does heaven have natural resources? Can God create Matter? 

For him to be able to create matter, I felt that would almost imply that there is some sort of magical element to heaven and God… but I like to think of things from a scientific perspective as much as possible… I think there is science to everything in a way. 

So, I got to thinking about our own human dream world… and I thought, heck in my dream, even I can create matter and unlimited resources, magic exists in our dreams… 

So, I wonder if we aren’t all a creation within God’s mind in a way… that we don’t specifically exist within the base state of existence, but rather within a portion of God’s mind or being, where he would be able to create matter and things like that… there would be a whole different set of laws and rules within his mind or being… 

If you compare it to a human and our dreams, you can see how I would make the theory… 

Interesting to think about anyways…

I think there are ways to help train our brains to do what we want… to an extent of course. The key is to show our subconscious brain that something is important, not just that we consciously know something is important.

I like using an example of a book club… If you aren’t too familiar with books and you join one, it may be hard to remember a lot of what you read… you will probably have to take notes and such to bring to the club with you or to brush up before you go. But, as you are in the book club a while and if you enjoy it, your brain will start to realize that the information in the books is important. It will be important because you are using the information, but you are also getting dopamine releases and the good vibes from good conversations, you are getting rewarded in many ways from the information in the books. Eventually down the road, you will probably find it easier to read books and retain the information without having to take notes.

It is one of the same reasons I have always been good at remembering movie quotes… because they help me with conversations, and I get a lot of laughs and joy from them. They may even pop in my mind when I am feeling depressed to help cheer me up. We all know how a perfectly timed movie line can make a group bust out laughing…

So, I think that needs to be a big part of education and figuring out ways to harness that power early in children’s educational careers… getting their subconscious to correlate that the information they are learning is important and rewarding. There could be many ways of doing that, from getting them involved in more classroom discussions and perhaps doing things like giving them so many kinda easy tests early on and praising them when they get an A. I am sure we can find many creative ways to get school to click in kid’s brains, and it may of course not be the same for everyone.

It takes a while to change your brain of course… but I think this method is one of the ways that makes it possible… You have to find a way to show your brain it is important, then your brain will start to do a lot of the work for you…

Sometimes I have to sit back and wonder what I might be getting myself into with this blog and everything… 

You hear about how bad the internet can be sometimes with swatting, doxxing, threats, hacking, etc… I wonder if what I am doing would bring some of that hate my way… maybe not… I am definitely putting myself out there in a very interesting way, I wonder what angle the perceived world would accept me from? 

I hate the idea of potentially damaging my family with this… that people would go after them as well… 

But, at the heart of it all, I am honestly prepared to just not believe any of it… that it is all an act, a rehearsed play that I will be traversing my way through… In my opinion, that is what it all is anymore. 

I have been mentally preparing myself a bit, telling myself, you can’t believe any of it, don’t engage against the negativity if it comes your way… Just ride the waves and stick to the basics… 

I have played out so many scenarios in my head of potential ways this may all work out… I try to stick to the most optimistic ones but prepare mentally for the worse… 

This is one of those things that I think, even while in my situation, has the potential to go viral quickly under the right circumstances, that any day I may wake up to an entirely new set of circumstances when I turn on the computer… that might not be likely, but I need to be mentally prepared in case it does. 

Which, I have been getting more and more comfortable with what I am doing and managing my two different worlds… It’s easy, because it is the truth of what I think… the hard part was the idea of keeping my sanity while trying to navigate my two different worlds.  

I feel I am getting closer to a good place mentally though… just over the horizon, waiting to hear back about a few things… To quote Tom Petty, “Waiting is the hardest part”, at least it feels that way at times…

Truly believing in heaven will give your marriage the patience it needs… In my opinion, keeping a marriage going for eternity in heaven is easy… 

For instance, I think we will have the ability to fall in love again whenever we want… You two want to believe you are meeting each other for the first time and fall in love all over again? Done… Do it an eternal amount of times… Roleplay whatever you want… go on any vacation you want… endless adventures… look however you want… be king and queen of a world… etc… 

The hardest your marriage will ever be by far in my opinion will be on Earth… But, once you learn to be patient for a lot of things and manage expectations while you are here, your relationship will get easier and easier here, you will fall more and more in love… 

You should talk about what you want to do in heaven with each other, like you are planning vacations in my opinion… You should be thinking of your relationship on an eternal scale, not an earthly scale…  

You have to be creative in your planning as well… you two can go back to meeting in high school and become high school sweethearts, your wife can be your biggest fan as you become the best baseball player that ever lived…. Same scenario, husband your biggest fan as you become the first female president of wherever… you know what I mean… these adventures aren’t just going on vacations somewhere, it can be living whatever lives you want to live… you can be spies… space explorers… etc… 

If you truly fell in love here on earth… you should be able to make it together to heaven… you just need to start truly factoring in heaven into everything… 

To give up on a dream here on earth for the sake of a relationship is such a minor thing in all reality… you can live that fantasy an eternal amount of times… and you can live the fantasy under the perfect circumstances as well… how often do our dreams accomplished not match what we thought they would be in our heads? It can be how you saw it in your head in heaven! 

Your husband, your wife… they can give you everything you ever wanted out of a relationship or a person, or life… somethings we may just have to wait a while is all…  

Have to have faith that there is life after this one and that all things are possible… 

This is me just briefly touching on this topic… I think heaven should be factored into all therapy in my opinion… I don’t even know how a therapist could truly make people happy without using heaven therapy…

If we as a people are going to decide that we will still allow drinking alcohol, we really should think about changing the way we handle it… 

I think, if we are going to have legal alcohol, we should teach our youth how to drink it… 

As it stands now, we tend to avoid the conversation all together when they are young, just that they need to wait until they are 21… which when they turn 21 or before they turn 21 and discover it, every generation is left to teach themselves how to handle alcohol… which leads to very bad habits, deaths, drinking and driving, alcoholism, binge drinking, rape, etc… 

One of the other big things we need to get a handle on… is how when people discover drinking alcohol, they start to think the only way to have fun, is to be drunk… 

What I think we should do, is maybe even as young as early teens, is start to teach kids how to drink, while at the same time, using it as leverage for good behavior… 

Maybe it starts when they are young… they do well on their report card… you have some of their same sex friends and parents over and begin to teach them how to be social drinkers… (I am very much for chaperoned drinking, even through college)… You make sure they pace themselves and can talk and teach them about drinking while you do this… 

Then one of the major things here, is then not allow them to drink for some time, their brains need to learn how to have fun without drinking again… It is important for the brain to learn to have a night of drinking, and then be fine without it for a period of time, or ever again for that matter… also important for the young adults to remember they can have fun without being drunk… 

So, throughout their youth… little same sex parties sporadically as rewards for getting good grades and behaving, things like that… 

Then as they get older, perhaps can start having chaperoned get togethers with members of the opposite sex… perhaps junior/senior year, having them a little more often after big school games and things like that… 

I’m not even opposed to the prom allowing a drink or two at the dance… 

Now I think this should be heavily involved with the police force… that parents should inform police when and where they will have little get togethers and what to expect… then police will know when there is an unsanctioned party going on… kids should still be busted for having their own parties in my opinion… 

I am very much in favor of chaperoned parties though, even through college… alcohol and members of the opposite sex just don’t seem to mix very well, and that fact doesn’t seem to be changing anytime soon… lots of bad decisions made and nights full of regrets… 

I think you get the basic idea… I have thought about this for years… I used to go into much more detail… But I think this could be very important… Plus, parents get to kinda be cool in this scenario… 

Parents may also be able to spot early if their child shows signs of being a problem drinker… 

But, it definitely takes a community to make this work well… People should be telling cops about parties that aren’t sanctioned and things like that… I think if we all worked together, this could be good for many reasons… 

I personally would have benefited greatly from some lessons in drinking… this is coming from someone that didn’t drink at all in high school… I think it would have been better if I was taught how to be a social drinker.

How to start this post… 

I wrote a book about an economic system I helped develop with some people… called Perfect Capitalism Manifesto… Now I have given away a number of them and have sold about 2 to date according to my own personal records. 

The thing is, in my mind, I think it is a Nobel Prize Winning piece of literature… to me, it is almost impossible, the idea that it hasn’t been discussed across every spectrum of conversation and media… I just don’t see what is going on because I am kept in my illusion because of this initiation/bet I am currently in, that I am also on my own personal internet and cable networks. 

I really think that Perfect Capitalism is essential to world peace in many ways, and that it would be important to put it into place as soon as possible… 

Part of me thinks the World is already experiencing Perfect Capitalism… At the least they have enacted some of the core principles to get us through this initiation/bet and then to fully implement it once this thing is over… 

Where it gets crazy is… If the world is using Perfect Capitalism, there has to be all sorts of protocols in place in case I decide to drive across the country tonight to go see the prices on the shelves in some other store… heck, there would have to be a protocol in case I decided to fly to China next weekend… 

This still doesn’t break up my schizophrenic world… 

They may use some of the core principles and mask it all under government programs and things like that for now… that they can still keep the prices on the shelves the same and make everything seem the same… but still be helping lots of people live a comfortable life… 

I think the country and world is held back in some regards… literally for the reason of keeping me in this illusion… Nothing can change too much in case I try to go out and test around… even to think, they can’t go cleaning up ghetto’s too much, because the illusion has to be in tact in case I go to the inner cities… but more and more, I am would think that I am just visiting a movie scene in many ways… that the people’s hearts and minds have changed, just the view can’t change very much right now… 

It is an insane thought, to think of how much the world is held back for this stupid initiation/bet… even for the mere idea, that it can’t progress too much, just in case I decide to buy a plane ticket someday… 

But, take the stock market for instance… I have a feeling that has completely changed… I think when I watch stock shows and things like that… they are just all acting and reacting to like a giant computer-generated program… all scripted in my mind… 

That may give you a little idea of how big I think this all is in my head though… The world has stopped in many ways, waiting for this bet to be over or the enemy to finally come to their senses…