Let’s see if I can manage to express through words what I want to today… 

I feel like my brain is always trying to formulate input into a big picture… If new facts come in or I think this or that is the truth, in a way my brain takes in that input and then calculates a new big picture.. 

It is more complicated than that, but the that is one way in which I feel my brain works… 

So, while I am in this initiation/bet, I am always trying to figure out the rules of it and things like that, then calculate a big picture and try to map out a path to happiness. Which I get excited when I think I have finally given myself a chance to succeed doing something I enjoy and am good at. Which, of course if I didn’t factor the rules appropriately, I am of course met with failure and disappointment. 

Once again, I think I have found a path and given myself an opportunity to succeed, I have come to believe if I am persistent, patient, and follow through with the plan, that it has the potential to work out. If it worked out on a minor scale, that would be great, but I even picture it working out on a bigger scale as well. It’s like I have to place all of the pieces on the chess board just right… word things a certain way, go about things a certain way, I have to give other people the means to go about it a certain way as well… It all has to be the right angle and approach… then we have to put the play into motion and I have to walk through it. That is what we are doing anymore, trying to write a grand play and set up the stage in a way to optimize happiness within my situation. 

I get so happy and excited thinking it might work out, I forget I am in an initiation or bet. It just becomes fun and I almost have trouble even believing I am in an initiation/bet, I start to question if it hasn’t turned into something else… like the initiation/bet ended, but we are keeping up the illusion, because the process we have created is winning over hearts and bringing peace and happiness throughout the world, we are still seeing through a greater mission, if we were to change the set up, it might have bad repercussions, that the world isn’t quite ready for this to all come together yet, too many people still lay in the darkness. Too many people might just lose their minds and go nuts if everything came to a halt right now and all my dreams came true… I need to be gradually brought out of my situation so certain people can adjust to it… something like that anyways… 

But, at the same time I may wonder if I still am in the initiation/bet, like to me, George H. W. Bush did not die… the fact that my disability hearing landed on the National day of mourning was not a coincidence, it was all an effort to piss me off and try and make me want to kill myself… It wasn’t just canceling and postponing the hearing, but I also get a bit upset when someone dies and we enter into Mandatory days of morning… I got a bit upset when John McCain died, because the News on every channel stopped for a week while they all showed the funeral and held a memorial, it felt like I was in a communist country. I don’t have a problem with an elaborate funeral and if everyone wants to watch it, but just put it on one channel and then show everything and talk about him all you want… Time stops for no man as they say… We all want our daily briefings of news… You’re not Funeral service channels, your news channels…I could go on… my point being it had upset me that week. So, this whole George H.W. Bush thing in my opinion was just an elaborate effort to upset and depress me… That is how big I think this whole thing is though, it has infected everywhere… 

But, even then, when I get so happy like this, I might think… maybe they are trying to delay me a bit to get me doing exactly what I am doing now. Being in a position to set an example, they may be trying to avoid me getting disability… they may worry about a chain reaction of people trying to get disability as well or all the people getting upset that didn’t disability when they applied. It would be a success in their opinion if they could get me to avoid going on disability… they would feel better about denying people if I found a way to work, if he can do it, you can do it… 

A few possibilities though… Part of me thinks the bet is still in full swing, and the other part of me at times tells me it is over, but the system that came to be works so well, that we are now on a like a different mission in a way… If that makes sense… just too many people not in the optimum mental state yet… gatta change some minds and help some more severely depressed people… Perhaps we are just telling people I am still in the initiation bet… 

Calculating…. Calculating…

I am not a fan of the Free-Range Children idea, which I have seen a law or two passed here and there. The premise behind the idea reminds me of the purge… So many children will get kidnapped and have unspeakable things done to them, molested, sex trafficking, murdered, prisoners, etc… But the ones that survive growing up in a free-range area, avoiding that nightmare will benefit so greatly from it, that it makes it all worth it. Too me, that happening to one child is too many. 

In their argument I heard them say that the number of child abductions has gone down, but that may very well be because we don’t let children go out unsupervised anymore, and don’t allow as many opportunities for predators. Even too admit that they still happen and want to let your children run free is a bit nuts in my opinion. 

I understand that those that lived a particular life when they were younger and had a great time, managing to avoid potential nightmares, would want future children to experience the same thing. I wish that we lived in an ideal world where we could do something like that, but it just isn’t the case. The facts and the statistics are in, people exist that want to do horrible things to children, and children don’t have the necessary means to defend themselves. 

It is our job to protect children and I agree with the argument that it should be illegal to just let your children wander about or play in a park by themselves. 

My apologies for writing with a bit of a harsh tone, but I think this is important and these free-range parents need to snap out of it and get in the real world…

I was delusional 

 

I was delusional 

I thought my arrival was enough 

A Hero to be raised above shoulders before the conquest 

Entitled Inspiration 

Knew nothing of pain and sacrifice 

Blind to the realities of the World 

Blind to the plight of the people 

Blind to the torments of people’s minds 

– 

Why can’t you just be happy? 

Haven’t I given you a reason to live? 

– 

I needed to find better reasons 

Paths to the light  

Paths to Happiness 

– 

I did not know my path would be so painful 

Sent to the darkness to die 

Sent to the darkness to find a way out

After taking an English class at school this year, I came to enjoy doing literary analysis quite a bit. I have been thinking I might start adding some here and there to the blog, perhaps even try my hand at poetry a bit. But, of course I wanted to look up the copyright laws and guidelines to legally being able to quote or talk about someone’s work, make sure everything is done legal, which with poetry it is said to be generally understood, and what someone may call a golden rule, to request permission from an author first, mainly because poetry is often so much shorter than other pieces of literature, there is not much of a line of “fair use”. Which, I have come to feel is understandable and I will try and do, although it might be a little awkward to ask permission and then go on to try and get into the author’s head a bit, it is a bit of a conflicting interest to get permission and then try to psychologically analyze someone, seems in bad taste a bit. Maybe I will stick to older pieces of work that are now in the public domain, we will see, maybe poetry writers understand that psychological analysis is just part of the game when you are doing a form of writing that is such an expression of emotions, often attempting to provoke those kinds of thoughts in the reader. 

But, off of the subject of poetry, I just got to thinking about copyright laws in general. I wondered if sometimes we go too far in a way that curbs the greater debate within society. When you think about it, the way the law might see it, is that a person buys a book and keeps their thoughts and analysis to themselves for the most part, they may share some thoughts with a friend or be part of a book club or something, but it is expected that all of these types of transactions will remain within a tighter private sphere. It would be illegal for me to go too far in discussing a book over the radio or through a podcast or something of that nature, because it might easily go past “fair use”, I might talk about the key points of a book in a way that would make people feel that it is no longer necessary for them to buy it. 

Which, I did find the best reason, and an excellent reason why we have such laws, because if we didn’t, it might curb people producing intellectual content in the first place, we want to incentivize people to come up with new ideas, thoughts, literary works, etc… That would seem the most important. 

But I do feel something is lost when we expect so much to happen within the private sphere, that everyone will go and buy the book or know someone that did and have these potentially important discussions all amongst themselves. When in an alternate universe, you might have a popular radio host that is well regarded that loves to read and could be sharing their thoughts and analysis of other people’s ideas and things like that, thus spreading knowledge much faster. You might have some savant like character that is just exceptional at finding important books and discussing them, provoking thoughts and conversation amongst so many people. To synthesize so much knowledge for people would be excellent, instead of reading a book a month, you might engage in thought provoking conversation about key thoughts of books once a day. 

It is just a fact that people aren’t going to read that many books, many people don’t like to read, don’t have the time, etc… so we bring out a lot of thoughts from people through copyright, but at the same time, we contain the knowledge and slow down the spread of it… 

The question I might pose, is can an idea in a book, some concept or thought, be too important to be bound and contained by copyright? That it is just such a profound piece of literature that the spread of its knowledge is deemed of greater importance to society as a whole. Should there be some sort of situation where we have a public buy out or something? Some price paid to an author to make their work public domain and allow it to spread as fast as possible? Still pay the author, and allow them to get profits from the book, but to release the knowledge within it to spread like wildfire? Allow any and all people to talk about it in any form they feel? 

It might end up being like one of the highest honors an author could receive, to have their book publicly bought out, maybe even have a little ceremony or an award or something? What books to choose would obviously be the hardest part of all of this, may be a bit of a grey area, especially if it was some part of the government or something. Maybe it could be some non-profit thing or similar to the way the Nobel prize runs their operations… 

I definitely understand why we want to entice people to produce thoughts and literature and all that, but at what point are we doing a disservice to society as well by slowing down the spread of important information?  Maybe we need some sort of public buy out in the form of some Greater Good clause or something of that nature… 

Something to think about anyways…

I am making a determined effort to pursue happiness… I will press on through all the negativity and attempts to get me to stop. Which they will come, I fall victim to my enemies’ efforts over and over again. They are indeed evil genius’s, such an oxymoron to be so evil, yet be so dumb as to choose an evil life. 

The hardest part of this will be getting past what I think my wives think… I am going to decide to believe that it is just evil portraying and using my wives against me… I say this because I am a very jealous man in a relationship, very protective, I come to see my love as a holy object… I don’t want a famous wife, I don’t want the woman that all the other men want, I would wish that almost no one ever saw their face, that nobody would even know who I am talking about… The purest woman in the world ya know… can’t live without… 

Now I very much believe that those type of things should go both ways in a relationship though… I would expect my wife to feel the same way about me. I would expect they would wish I wasn’t famous or that I could be hidden from the world, can’t live without, all the same things… And if a man would expect his wife to act in accordance, a woman should be able to expect her husband to act in accordance… 

I can easily believe that the lifestyle I live, would be a nightmare to a wife madly in love with me. This blog would be a nightmare, being on camera all the time would be a nightmare, sharing some idea that might attract other women or something would be a nightmare… 

All I have to hear is that my wife is really struggling, depressed, hurt, etc… And it makes me want to stop everything I might be doing that is hurting her. Which, I will often choose to follow the best course of action I can to make them happy again… In my head, besides this being over, given my current situation, the best thing I could be doing for my wives is just sitting watching movies all day with my lips zipped shut… 

But I need to believe that these are special circumstances and that my wives want me to be happy… that they are happy I am doing this blog… they would be happy if I hung out with a friend… that they want me to survive… they want me to have as many reasons to live right now and get through all of this… its ok that I am a social creature right now that needs to be involved with other people in some shape or form… 

I am going to choose to believe that any efforts to get me to stop, are just part of this bet and an effort to make me depressed… it will kill me sometimes, because they will make me think I am killing my wives and that will hurt me to my core… they will make me think that I am disappointing them. 

Looking back its hard to distinguish between when it was requests by my wives to do something or evil people on the other side of this bet using my wives voice to manipulate me into depressive situations… either way I am happy that I decided to listen and give my best effort to fulfill all of the requests… Because I proved my love in a way… it makes me more confident to make this choice to press through anything I hear in the future… it’s like, even if it was my wives all the time, that I have proven myself enough to now make this move… like it is now officially time… 

I was originally going to take this post in a little different direction… but alas this is what came out of me… My wives are my greatest inspiration, reason to live, and source of happiness…and at the same time when used against me properly, my greatest Achilles heel and source of pain…

Sometimes I can’t help but wonder if I am completely delusional, it would be the ultimate human comedy in a way. To think oneself royal and a king, but in all reality, it is all just a big delusion.  If I am delusional, I really have created an exciting life for myself out of the mundane…  

I might see one friend twice a year, no girlfriend, living at my parents, little money to my name, spend most of my time sitting in a chair, a blog with a limited number of followers, etc… 

But in my head, I am King of the World… currently involved in an initiation that turned into a wager/bet against the most ruthless and evil people of the world that I wouldn’t survive it… I have helped bring peace to the world… helped explain our existence… I live in the capital of the world, almost everyone I meet is the head of some country, family, or organization… I have many wives… I have made endless amounts of money… I have come up with many business ideas and concepts that people love… I live in a reality show… currently involved in possibly the most important thing going on in the world right now… I communicate with people through indirect means… etc… 

I either actually do live one of the craziest and most exciting lives in the world… or I have created the ultimate delusion and alternate reality in which I live in, which still provides me with one of the most exciting lives in the world… 

The thing is, is that I have created an airtight delusion in a way, there is no escaping it… no medicine or therapy will ever change me… I have tested it and felt I was proven right, told people and therapist certain things to gauge reactions, seen what people will do when I do this or that… I have progressed too far, people have let it advance to this degree… nobody on the planet could convince me otherwise anymore… 

I bring this up, because I am starting to feel more comfortable and relaxed with my situation and letting out my inner most thoughts and feelings… 

This post is a disclaimer in a way… I may be completely delusional, but I am not dangerous… In my head there is world peace… the news is just a soap opera anymore to keep me within this illusion… my point being that there are no more battles to fight anymore… any aggression that is presented to me is just seen as fake and an attempt to get a reaction out of me… I feel safe… I do think there are people that would like to do me harm, but I think I am very well protected… I am not paranoid to that extent, that I feel like some cornered animal… 

If this works out or I get disability, I will honestly be one of the happiest people in the world in my opinion… It is a great life, no one is filled with more purpose or sense of accomplishment than me… I feel like I am serving God and the World… To follow in Jesus footsteps, he came to serve, not be served… 

I have complete confidence in the existence of heaven… ready to head there when my number is called… come to terms with many things and have for the most part accepted my position in life… 

I say this, because I think I am going to open up my world to you all more… explain what is going on in my head, how I see the world… a glimpse into my own personal reality…

Well my disability hearing got pushed back… It of course would fall on the national day of mourning (Government shutdown) for George H.W. Bush… my thoughts on that perhaps tomorrow… 

I did a little investigating, and realized that my hearing may be pushed back a few months potentially, which then I would have to wait to get the decision as well, which could potentially be another few months, so realizing I might have another 6 months before I really find out about anything, I decided I would try to change things up a little bit. 

What I did was, I arranged a new working arrangement with my father. Instead of just coming in for a little while in the morning, I am going to hang out at the shop all day and spread my work out over the course of the day. I am able to do this because he has a little apartment above the shop that nobody is using… so I have turned it into a little simple office/living room…. 

So, throughout the day, in between working I can work on my blog, write articles, paint, marketing, tweeting, and really try to take a shot at developing a writing career. Thinking down the road, I thought it may even be fun to do a podcast someday, perhaps if I get following. 

I think a very big part of this initiation/bet (See about me section), and actually my whole life, is covering up any notion that I am a savant, or very smart. Everything gets downplayed and they always try to keep me in the illusion that I am average (nothing wrong with being average of course!) So, essentially nothing can come extremely easy in that regard, I can’t just share some groundbreaking thought and expect it to spread like wildfire like it would under normal circumstances. 

I hold out hope that either this endeavor will take off or I get disability. I am really going to try and give this a shot, if of course I am even allowed to make a living writing from home. I am banking on the hope that I just have to be very persistent, follow the path of a standard writer in a way. I am thinking of sending out 2 article packages a day to newspapers, maybe doing a little more advertising, trying to find creative and standard methods of getting myself out there. Then hopefully little by little I may get a customer or two until I build up a decent paycheck to make a living. 

I don’t know if it will work though, all prior attempts would indicate that it will not… I feel like I am putting gold out there and only getting a little bit of feedback. The thing is I do get some comments from people that they are reading them… so maybe… Persistence may be the key… 

I am in a rather optimal position to pursue this goal though, I almost feel like I started self-employment today in a way and am renting out a nice little upstairs office space. This is living the dream a bit…

For years I have been sitting on this idea and sculpting it a bit. But I think Santa Claus should retire and set up a democracy. Not saying that Santa Clause has to die or anything and that he can’t be a part of Christmas. Perhaps the North Pole could even be ruled by a constitutional monarchy or something of that nature. But I am a big fan of bringing in many new faces to the Christmas festivities, which has a lot of interesting implications. 

I was personally thinking every two to four years the elves vote on a new Santa Clause, perhaps even all the children around the world could vote, but that may be going a step to far. Among the candidates could be Nobel Prize winners, humanitarians, philanthropists, hard workers, etc… which they could be fictional of course. Plus, they could be from all different races and ethnicities from around the world. But it would be someone stepping up to take on the duties of Santa Claus. 

I have also felt for some time that we need to get are story straight about Santa Clause, I would be for giving over control of the enterprise to group at Disney or something like that, perhaps could have some elected board or commission in charge of Santa Claus. But it would be nice to have a proper origin story and then go from there. Have a group in charge of official Santa Claus business though. Not that other people couldn’t make movies or whatever as well, which brings me to the next point. 

We are kinda beating Santa Claus to death anymore, not much new every year, watching the same movies over and over, or just creating a hundred different versions of Santa. This would open up a whole new level of marketing and merchandising. New movies all the time, I am sure there will even be adult comedies made every year and things like that, which could definitely be funny. New collectibles of all the new Santas. But it would definitely get the idea wheels a churning in my opinion. 

Plus, when you think of it, Santa Clause is one of the first people you ever love when your little. It could be good for children to learn to love someone of a different race or ethnicity. Especially one of the most loved characters of all time. Not to mention it will make the Santa Claus experience much more inclusive to everyone around the world in my opinion. 

Which, while I got you all here, I am also for just a one or two presents from Santa Claus proposal. Not that parents can’t get a child more, but they should be from you. I don’t think it is good that some kids think that Santa loves another child more and things like that. In, fact what I am really for, is one of the presents being like a Santa or Christmas themed trinket. A reasonably priced necklace, pocket watch, earrings, bracelet, pocket token, etc… a keepsake to always remember their Santa Claus experience when they get older. Plus, something in the price range that everyone could afford or people could donate so that all children feel like Santa loves them. Then of course maybe like one other reasonable toy from Santa. Then at school, perhaps the policy could just for kids to share only what Santa Clause himself or herself brought them. 

Also, in favor of having a set year when we tell the children that Santa Claus isn’t real and that it is something we do to help foster children’s imagination. Then explain to them that we are only telling them because they are big kids now and that they have to help keep the secret from all the younger children. Explaining Santa could then become a rite of passage almost for a youngster. This could be important if we are all working together, because we may make Santa Claus almost too believable if you know what I mean! Kids may be believing a bit too long. 

Some things to think about anyways… But I feel like if we are going to do this Santa Claus business, we should do it right! That and I want new Christmas movies to watch!

Got some much-needed sleep last night, I only slept a couple hours the night before. Mentally have been going through a bit lately, I seem to be getting better though. Progress normally comes with some side effect or another. But, overall, I have not been thinking very negative, not too many overly racing thoughts that get away from me, and nothing too depressive…. I have just been feeling a bit hazy as I progress, although I feel I can see the light on the other side of the tunnel. 

It didn’t help that my medicine was two weeks late, I get a shot every two weeks, but do too some complications it didn’t get to me for a month…. I have some schizophrenic thoughts about the matter… I didn’t seem to go through any noticeable withdrawal or anything, so that was good. When I started taking the medicine again it definitely tranquilized me quite a bit, which was good and bad, probably better than the bad, but it wasn’t the best timing with all this being the first week of school. 

School has been going pretty good, but I think it is going to be a long semester, I just feel mentally exhausted already, I wish I was just taking one or two classes. Just have to remember to take it one day at a time. My main goal this semester isn’t to make the President’s list, rather to just get every assignment in on time. Over a 3.0 would be nice, we will see what happens. 

Been getting into Everquest 2 the last couple weeks, been having some fun, hopefully I will have some free time to play throughout the semester. I think I will, being done with all my math classes is definitely a bonus. So far, it looks like I should have some more downtime than previous semesters. 

On another note, I won a little scholarship for the next year. It is for overcoming hardships in life to get back to school. I have to go to a dinner at the school to receive it… I might of course enter into imagination land, and pretend I am going to some Nobel prize acceptance dinner haha, would make it all the more exciting hehe. I say that jokingly, but that is probably what I will do mentally when I go there. Could definitely be the case, you never know in my circumstances. 

I will try to write some ideas here and there, I just get so exhausted with school that I don’t feel too much like writing another 500-word essay or whatever. Wanted to give you all a little update though, hanging in there, still waiting to hear about disability. Still looking into back up plans just in case, I found a SUNY online school that has journalism, very exciting, it was hidden in a cultural studies department, but I found it. I think that is where I would like to go. Would certainly be much more cost effective than many schools. 

That is a little bit about what has been going on though… hanging in there is a good way to sum up the last couple weeks… Maybe I will adjust a bit as the semester progresses, I don’t think the whole thing with the medicine helped either, perhaps once that gets back to normal as well, it will be better. Also, playing EQ2 is a whole different level of mindfulness that rewires my brain a little. I can sit there for hours and hours and play… Even in my sleep my mind was trying to get me to play on the computer the other night… So, my brain seems to like it… 

I am for participation trophies… but I am only for getting a participation trophy your first full year… I also think you should get a patch you can sew on items, perhaps even a certificate as well. 

Whether your first year in a program is when you are 7 or 17 I think you should get a trophy and a patch. But, you only get it if you make it to enough practices throughout the year and make an effort. I consider your first year, your welcome to the club year. 

I would present them with their trophy and patch along with a bit of a speech, I would say that they showed the effort it takes to become a better athlete and team, that it takes commitment to make a team good and work. Welcome to the club! I would follow that up with… now it is time to go win some trophies. 

Even being part of a team for one year made you a part of every championship team the school ever had in a way. How much do we owe people that stick through a season without winning a game to keep a program alive for the future? Being part of teams of long droughts without making it to the playoffs, hanging in there and carrying the torch. Sometimes you are part of a team with a new coach, and you are part of his or her learning curve, you may not have been super successful, but the coach may have learned a lot to make a future championship team. I would of course hope a young child would stick with a sport, but I think they should feel proud to wear the patch throughout their life, even if they only played one full year… they were part of the process… 

Where are teams and champions without all of their practice partners as well?… everyone shares in even an individual’s championship win. 

Short blog today, but I think you get the gist of what I am trying to say. I like the idea of getting a welcome to the club package after you complete a full first year, along with a nice motivational speech… Then you chase the trophies after that! 

P.S. … so in like little league baseball you would still get a high school patch… part of the overall program…