Another busy day, filling out disability paperwork… then picking up some paperwork from my psychiatrist, then putting it all together and taking it to its final destination, my disability lawyer. 

Which, when I picked up my paperwork from my psychiatrist, I thought, don’t even look at it, just put it in the envelope with everything else and take it over. But, of course I looked… I feel it said what needed to be said to give me a chance at disability, but it is one of those things I had to be mentally prepared to read, because it challenges my belief system in quite a big way. 

I had to read things like chronic and severe schizophrenia, will continue to be on medication for many years, delusions, a deteriorating condition, life-long condition, etc… 

Which is coming from a licensed psychiatrist… so it is hard not to at least wonder just a little bit… what if I really am just completely delusional… Which actually made me chuckle at the thought of it, a little mad hatter situation… like the ultimate human comedy in a way. What if while I think I use completely logical reasoning, I am actually very illogical and a horrible predictor of the human condition… completely detached in a way, truly living in my own universe, with its own rules of logic and the way things should be… Something like, maybe my friends really don’t want to hang out with me very often, perhaps I have lost many friends over the years… perhaps they aren’t just not allowed to hang out with me… 

But, thoughts like those are very minute and fleeting any more. I am completely committed to my beliefs and the idea that I am indeed actually a Savant, navigating my way through one of the craziest circumstances to ever happen on this place we call Earth… To think, not a single person has directly confirmed anything yet, I go on believing while a psychiatrist is telling me I have full blown schizophrenia and it is the only condition I suffer from… 

I am so close to being pretty darn happy… if disability or this works out, I will be living a version of the dream in a way… The problem is, it is such a fragile line… I have narrowed it down to a couple things I would be happy to do while I am in this situation and then it seems like misery outside of that box… I love living in my head, to just bunker down at home and continue to do this, is such a happy place for me… I think about if my life was a movie sometimes, and the last like so many years of it have been all within a pretty small parameter with me sitting in a chair most of the time… But, it is like the most exciting story ever in a way… Especially through my eyes… 

One thing I was particularly sad about, reading what my psychiatrist wrote… was about broken relationships with friends and trouble maintaining relationships, or something like that… I am hoping it is not a predictor that in order for this to work, it will have to keep appearing that I can’t maintain relationships, thus not getting to hang out with friends very often… I am getting better at only seeing friends only once a month or less, but I was hoping if the enemy starts running out of money or something, that maybe someday I could have a close friend or two that I see pretty regularly, maybe even a girlfriend or something someday. I have been under the notion that they have to pay so much in order for me to not see any friends, that there may be a scenario someday down the road, when I have a regular friend or two. 

This has all drained me today a bit, a lot to think about, although it is pretty much out of my hands, so I don’t know why I ruminate about it so much, thinking about it more, really isn’t going to change anything. I more worry, that when I write about these things, that it will only encourage my enemy even more to make sure things don’t work out. Things have always seemed to play out that way… it seems that people will go to great lengths to do things that might make me feel like an idiot or crazy. Sometimes, these things turn into absurd illusions that must be kept up over many years. Like there are couples I think are still together, but because I might have given them advice or something, it has to look like they broke up or got a divorce… so these absurd and elaborate storylines/illusions have to be kept up and maintained throughout the duration of all this…  

This whole thing is pretty nuts… it is nuts and absurd on a whole new level… it comes off as stupid to me sometimes… the hardest part to accept, is that such evil actually exist, it would be unbelievable if it wasn’t true and happening… Everyone at one point or another must have thought, I can’t believe this is actually happening… and actually have an extremely tough time accepting the reality of it all, the absurdity… 

What is the best thing you’ve acquired second hand? 

I would have to say a Tom Petty concert shirt I borrowed from a friend and have yet to give back. I actually want to frame it and hang it in my man cave someday. It has been though a lot with me, could tell a lot of stories. It is now so worn out that I don’t want to run it through the wash too many more times or rip it. Can only be worn on special occasions or be hung up in remembrance. I wore it a lot throughout the initial years of this initiation/bet (Schizophrenic Episode?). 

I love things that can help me roleplay or further dive into an experience… For instance, when I start playing poker more, I love to use a money clip, puts me more in that rounder mood. In fact, even in a gambling idea I had, called gamble junkie, which is all play money, I still thought it might be neat to have high quality play money you and your friends could buy, that could still be rolled up or put in a money clip to help a person still feel like they were living the gambler’s dream… the little things can make a big difference! 

But, the Tom Petty shirt, was really my first Tie Dye shirt I ever owned, and really helped me sink into the whole peace and love vibe. I can even remember a friend from high school seeing me at a function wearing it, he said something like, I can’t believe I am seeing Tyler Gutierrez in a Tie Dye shirt. I was sinking into the mood so fast, it was hard for me to believe that people couldn’t picture me without it! Clothes can really help set your inner feng shui, it helped me embark on a whole new chapter of my life. I quickly became The Dude in a way too many people, seemed I had found myself a bit. It wasn’t even like people that use to know me, thought it was weird that I changed, rather that I finally came out of the closet in a way as a hippie, like they knew it all along. (sorry if I used coming out of the closet inappropriately, couldn’t think of another expression). 

It also helped me with my art work. For whatever reason, I was very timid about using what some people may call “feminine colors” in my art work. Well, I know the reason, I was probably worried about people questioning my sexuality. But, using the Tom Petty Tie Dye shirt which used all the colors, was my excuse to myself to branch out and paint in all colors, in fact my first multi colored painting were dedicated in a way to Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. That is how I would introduce them… Hung the t-shirt right next to them… But I love using all of the colors… 

So, it helped me get over some little hurdles in my mind with worrying about being perceived as feminine or having my sexuality challenged. Where I am now, and how far I have come, it is hard to imagine that I ever thought like that. Heck, I walk around with my messenger bag now (man purse)! 

I’m not sure why I was ever so worried about someone possibly questioning my sexuality or something like that? I say that now, because we live in a new day and age, where the LGBTQ community has made tremendous strides over recent years, much more accepted. Honestly, the gay community may be the most persecuted throughout human history. Even within persecuted groups, the gay people were persecuted. Torture and the death penalty have been known to be the norm for most of human existence, always seen as inferior and outcasts. 

So, there probably is a lot instilled in us, to still try and avoid that persecution. How many times in grade school or our lives have we heard the term gay as an insult? That is one reason, I also always wonder how people can think being gay is a choice… being gay, you got tortured, murdered, bullied, persecuted… no sane person would choose to go that route if they could just switch. Just the sheer amount of effort the human race took to stamp out homosexuality and it is still here and thriving, speaks volumes. 

But, I have gotten a bit off topic and will talk about stuff like that more in the future! This post was about my shirt! It is amazing how much that single shirt has helped bring about change in my life, one article of clothing. Helped alter my state of mind completely in many ways… It is most certainly man cave worthy! Get it one of those nice jersey display cases!  

Talked myself out of going to church again, it sounded good last night, sounded pretty good this morning… then about an hour before my anxiety of it took over. It is hard for me to sit there for an hour and listen, I worry I will get too anxious. Plus, I take my medicine at 8, and that can normally increase my anxiety a bit for an hour or two. Then I worry about the heat and being uncomfortable… needless to say, I talked myself out of it. 

Although I do like to go, I enjoyed going at Christmas this last year, it reinvigorated me, reminded me of why I am in this situation a bit. Plus, I like to get a little of that spiritual energy and get the feeling of the spiritual aspect of all of this, it actually makes me feel the reality of the situation a whole lot more. Makes it feel less like the game it ends up being in my head many times, not that I think it is a game, but I am competitive like that. I could sum it up, by saying it gives me that boondock saint feeling a bit, if any of you know what I mean… 

I envision a type of church I would love to attend, not that I would like to replace cathedrals or anything like that… I feel those are more like monasteries of the Christian faith that serve their purpose, can be especially good for people going through difficult times, but that is a conversation for a different day. 

But, I envision something more like a community center, where people should feel rejuvenated and excited to go to every Sunday. I want people to say, I can’t wait to go to church on Sunday. I like the idea that the main service is only like 10-15 minutes long, just a short sermon and give everyone something to talk or think about. Then, everyone breaks off a bit, which if you wanted to do bible study or hear more from the preacher, that would be an option, people should be available to answer questions and things like that. 

I think though, we should do things like hire babysitters and let friends and family get together every Sunday. Have yoga, meditation, arts and crafts, and different things that may make you feel good. Have a place to have breakfast, maybe even a little coffee shop. A library, TV’s to even watch football or whatever. I wouldn’t care if you stayed all day long! Plus, I think there should be more BBQ’s and things like that, make it like a family reunion a bit. Perhaps even some video games and whatever other activities for the kids… maybe some churches would want to put in a pool! 

It is just 4 or 5 days a month, it is your excuse to hang out with friends and family every week. Which hanging out with friends isn’t always about you, it is about your friends seeing you as well. Many relationships suffer when people get caught up in the rat race of life, having kids and everything else. So, it is like mandatory time to have fun and take a break, get yourself ready for the work week ahead and whatever other issues. 

I think you get the general idea of where I am going with this… these rejuvenation centers, I think if they were done right, too many people might start coming… would have set up so many within whatever distances depending on population size. Perhaps some people might do some church hopping on Sundays hehe. 

But, I want to try and develop a place that really helps fill people with spiritual energy, love, and faith… A place people really can’t wait to go to every Sunday, not just a chore for many people. Often times churches end up with a preaching to the choir type of situation. But, like I said, there should be bible studies available, and options to hear more from the preacher, or if there are people that have questions and want to learn more, there should be people to ask. But, that isn’t for everybody though… I would like it to be somewhere everyone would want to come and be at God’s house for a bit. 

Which, Perfect Capitalism is such a charitable system in general, it is a charity in its own way… It is designed to take care of people and develop communities… I think then that churches should feel free to spend a bit more of their donations and funding on themselves and these rejuvenation centers. I think it would help in the bigger picture, draw more people locally. Plus, I think prayers are more powerful when we are full of love and the holy spirit as well, so it is a little like putting on your own mask first in the airplane. But, who knows, you may get more donations than ever before and still be able to donate even more than previously. 

Hopefully you get where I am going with this though… You can even imagine when you are first walking in, the preacher out there saying hello and shaking hands and everything… 

This really is starting to feel like a job! Have been a bit exhausted lately, between coming up with ideas, painting, and spending a while writing the blog every day. I just start writing a lot of times and it ends up taking almost an hour it seems. I’m not as much complaining, as just saying… 

Just that feeling of what I was meant to do a bit… hopefully things work out. I am actually wondering if I will be able to keep at this every day after school starts back up August 20, especially considering one of my class is all about writing, composition 2 or whatever. May have to blog every other day, or perhaps I will have to cut back on the length, maybe give status updates most days and save some longer blogs for when I have the time. 

Days have been flying by a bit lately, which is nice, almost as if I don’t have enough hours in the day. For instance, this upcoming week I have to get some stuff filled out for my disability lawyer, have to cut up some unstretched canvas, get that canvas heat pressed with some short sayings and then start painting them… I think these painting will turn out pretty cool, I am excited to get started. I don’t even plan to stretch the canvas, just frame it. It looks good in my head so far anyways! Perhaps other people may be interested in the same thing in the future! 

Also thinking of starting an official ebay store… I like the presentation of having the store webpage and all that, can even try and sell my mugs again! I think ebay might work out well… if of course this endeavor works out anyways. But, I think I like the idea of doing auctions for my paintings. Still probably plan to try and give some away for free for a while. Eventually just paint and list them though, I want to sell them with a signed copy of my book to complete the presentation that they are a conversation piece. 

Still need to work on a few articles I would like to use when I try and self-syndicate, debating a bit if I should wait until after this school year… but I really would like to get out of work as soon as possible, if I could replace my current work with that, that would be most excellent. Then I could just dedicate the 2 ½ hours I spend at work now to keeping up with articles to publish. I would like to get those articles done within the next week or two and then start getting some envelopes sent out to newspaper editors. 

(My microsoft office just stopped working for a while… in my schizophrenic world, that may mean people telling me that is enough for today, wrap it up hehe… Apparently people that help guide me felt it was a good stopping point) 

Definitely keeping busy, with something I enjoy doing, and from home! Hopefully something works out, either disability or this… This I could do and be happy (at least I think so, I have been known to lose interest in things at times though) 

Lastly, Birthday is coming up soon, July 26, the big 34… hopefully a good year for me! Hard to believe it has been a little over 10 years since sh*t really hit the fan! I think a lot has changed in the world… 

Have you ever spoke in front of a large group of people? How did it go? 

Probably the biggest crowd that I ever spoke directly in front of was at my brother’s wedding, when I did the best man’s speech. I was literally shaking so hard, I almost couldn’t read what was on the paper in my hands haha. Then I had to give the speech again, later in the day… we had two receptions! 

Otherwise I have only given speeches in front of classrooms for the most part… I did compete in a talent show a few times when I was younger… which I am surprised I handled so well. Come to think of it, I even did a speech in front of my elementary school, because I was chosen to read my D.A.R.E. essay. I don’t think I would handle a big speech very well any more. Not that I was great at it when I was younger… 

Put me in front of a live camera to billions of people and I am fine though… for the most part. Such a weird oxymoron that I couldn’t can’t talk in front of 1 person or a small group of people but could talk live to billions on camera. Something about it, that camera buffer makes all the difference… 

I personally feel this is seen by billions of people… if I decided I wanted to give a speech in my living room tonight, I think billions of people might hear it. I think I am always on camera for that matter… A bit like the Truman show in a way if you have ever seen that movie… The Tyler show… 

I feel so connected to the world… it is an interesting feeling. When I say something or write or talk or whatever… I start to feel people’s reactions, whether good or bad… Not to mention, trying to feel what certain groups are feeling and things like that. I usually am looking for negative reactions as well… I am getting very good at not provoking people for the most part. Not to mention, the world and I have come to a greater understanding now, it was a bit of a rocky relationship at first, but we are starting to see eye to eye much more. I feel I am at a point, where now if I went off the rails or went nuts a little, people might understand it, not hold it against me… if that makes sense. People know who I am now much more. 

I feel particularly connected to the American society, I have observed it so much throughout my life… Plus, I have had more problems with America than the rest of the world, we have a lot more mental issues as a society. When dealing with other countries, they have a much greater shared culture, so they share a lot of common core beliefs… so I can address many people at the same time. Whereas America is comprised of probably the most diverse number of small groups anywhere in the world. So many competing viewpoints and belief systems. Plus, I have also noticed that the closer people are within my parameter, the harder it can be to adjust to me… it is a bit of a true phenomenon that spans across the world. The further people are away from me and my immediate situation, normally the faster they tended to like me it seemed. 

I remember Conan talking about how everyone is happy for him outside of his hometown, but when he goes home, people are like mad at him for being successful… if that makes sense, I could probably evaluate that phenomenon for a while, but I don’t want to today hehe. 

But to me, I felt like the rest of the world jumped on board rather fast… then I was dealing with America. I could usually spot an American or a European walking by me throughout a day, just a different demeanor. 

But, to be fair… I think a large part of America was on board pretty fast… but the responses I normally got, were from people that didn’t like me… so, the percentage may not have been huge, but it consumed a lot of my time, so it was a bit misleading. Like to me, I started to feel like there were more nazi’s in America than in Germany… if that makes sense.  To me, Germany had been on board for quite some time, and had come to collectively think the same way… The nazi’s that were left to deal with, were actually American for the most part. But, I think a lot of them are on board now as well. We are really starting to isolate the true evil that remains. Hopefully little by little, we scrap away at the remaining enemy. 

Another blog that has gotten away from me… I didn’t really know where this was going to go when I started… I could probably really keep talking about the connection I feel I have with the world… all in my head of course… but to me it is very real, I feel I am one with the human race in a way, which we are more and more becoming a collective unit, thinking on the same page. Like now when I probably come up with some big idea or something, some people may have already thought it up… we are thinking along the same lines, things like that. 

Which of course… this is another one of those things… That if it wasn’t real, would probably be considered one of the most schizophrenic things ever written hehe.  

Oh, it will be interesting if this blog ever takes off… there will be some interesting conversations indeed! 

I felt compelled to write and give my perspective after reading an article by Gregg Henriques, PHD, titled “The root of our suffering”, which appeared in the June 2018 issue of psychology today. 

I will start with a quote from the article, “because many of us block our negative feelings, these emotions build up until we find ourselves completely flooded by them”. Which from my personal experience I found his perspective insightful but have a little to add. I came to realize that it is more an issue with facing stress we have never dealt with before, not necessarily that we block the negative feelings. I personally think blocking can be a good thing, along with thought stopping and other cognitive tricks.  

Back to my point though, when we come to a problem we have never dealt with before, are brain doesn’t know how to handle it… it needs time to figure out how to cope with that particular stressor, has to learn the proper paths to defuse the situation or brush it off. Which, I think can be done by blocking, because your brain is going to keep using trial and error until it figures out a way to cope with it, it will find a path, which it will then use the same paths when you face a similar problem again. So, the next time it shouldn’t stress you out as much. I have found, when analyzing my brain, a bit, that our brain uses its own form of electric shock therapy in a way, but that is a story for a different day 

Where I see the problem is when we face too many new stresses at a time, that our brain hasn’t figured out how to cope with it. That is when they can pile up and boil over… if they happened spread out over time, your brain would figure out the proper path each time. But, when too many new issues come at once, it becomes a disaster, especially when you are young. Another reason why bullying is so bad, so many stressors at one time, to add on to puberty, school, life, and all the other problems. 

I honestly think it might be hard to avoid reaching a boiling point in your life no matter what you do, at least for many if not most people. Life is by nature very stressful, and your brain will most likely at some point be trying to solve too many stressors at one time, reaching that boiling point, and a possible mental breakdown. The key then is to use good anxiety control techniques and manage your stressful time while your brain figures out how to handle the stress. After you go through it, especially if you use good techniques, you will be much more equipped to handle stress in the future… perhaps part of the reason they say we are much happier after 40 or later in life, our brain has learned how to deal with every day stressful matters much better, leaving us in a much more mindful state. 

Whether or not a mental breakdown or boiling over is avoidable is a good question… is there a way to avoid it? Perhaps by using good techniques for handling stress starting from an early age could be very helpful. Also, knowing you are most likely going to boil over or have a break down at some point in your life, may then make you prepare for it and be ready. Armed with different coping techniques and things like that, knowing is half the battle…  

Which brings me to an excellent technique from Gregg Henriques, when he talks about his “CALM MO” approach and becoming a “participant-observer”, where you begin to separate yourself from your feelings, you become your own therapist in a way and analyze why you feel a certain way. Instead of being mad, you might think, why am I mad? How can I calm myself down? You have like two minds inside of your mind, the part that is naturally and instinctually reacting to stressors and then there is your conscious observation of it, separating yourself from the stress, seeing it as its own separate thing. Reports are actually starting to show that people are better self-analyzers than previously realized, often diagnosing themselves fairly accurately. 

I disagreed a little with Gregg, when he also says, “rather than seeking to avoid them or control them”, speaking about our negative thinking. Because some thoughts definitely need to be avoided and learned how to control… thinking about killing yourself is not good, or thoughts of harming others and things like that. Which I also see his point when he says, “learn how to use them to guide us toward long-term valued states of being”, I just think first it needs to be brought within the manageable range of using your negative thoughts for good. I don’t want to be guided to jumping off a bridge, heaven use to sound really good if you know what I mean… I could be sitting here wanting to kill myself or sitting in heaven having the time of my life, heaven is only a minute away… 

A quote he also said is worth noting, “attempting to regulate our feelings does make good sense”. So, he does believe in regulating and all that as well… perhaps I took some of his viewpoints to an extreme conclusion… 

His sections on how we have to stop negative reactions to negative feelings is also very informative, enlightening, and thought provoking… 

I don’t want to quote too much of his article, as it is a great article you can read for yourself. But, I found it fascinating and wanted to give my 2 cents. 

I guess I could start with a plus note… I certainly feel I am starting to live a much more mindful lifestyle… or should I say that I live in a much more mindful state of mind. Lately, I almost can’t think if I want to even. Have just felt a bit like zonked out. But, I think that is what I need in my life right now a bit. Just not too zonked out, I don’t mind feeling a little lethargic, but one time when I was in a mental hospital that had me so drugged out on tranquilizer’s I felt like the walking dead. That was a horrible feeling, always felt like I wanted to sleep, all day long… but could never fall asleep and take naps or anything. Which, they just kept bumping up the amount until I finally fainted one day on the way to lunch. 

Fainting is such a weird feeling, feels a bit like dying really. That was precisely what I was thinking when I fainted in that mental hospital… they finally got me, I’m going down…  but I survived and lived to tell the tale… I talked about it in my book as well. 

I am just kind of winging it today, didn’t want to put my thinking cap on the same way I do most days. I feel like a lot should be on my mind right now actually… a time ago, that appointment with my disability lawyer would have had my mind racing and racing, would be constantly wondering if it is going to work out or not, riding the roller coaster of not knowing. But, I am much more in the moment. I briefly had some old thoughts and bad mental habits pop up, but I have been pretty good, just doing what I have been doing. I feel pretty good, like something is going to work out anyways… even though this isn’t a popular blog yet or anything (on the surface), I get a general sense it is going well.  

I have to imagine something is going to work out… whether disability or this endeavor, I don’t think in this bet, they are allowed to stop all my potential jobs, I have to be able to work and make a living. The question would be, how am I allowed to make a living within the parameters of the initiation/bet (about me section)? The fact I have been commissioned to do a number of paintings is definitely nice, gives me hope. Have had a few people reach out to me in general about my art, one saying it reminded her of a 60’s or 70’s artist. Not to mention some friends that have taken some paintings off my hands. Which is nice that it might have value on its own, although I am trying to sell them as conversation pieces as well. I started trying to sell on ebay with signed copies of my book, why I think I am God’s son, I am presenting the book as written during a year’s long schizophrenic episode that still affects me to this day. Over 10 Years now! Passed that anniversary recently. 

The angle is definitely embracing the term schizophrenic, the title I fought for many years. I have to embrace it for disability and for this endeavor… for whatever reason, I feel it is marketable within the rules of the bet, I certainly hope so if the disability doesn’t work out. It just puts me in that weird place mentally… but even with my disability lawyer, I told him, I have delusions, but I don’t think they are delusions. I do that because I think I have to embrace it from that angle, I have to be willing to call them potential delusions in a way while at the same time maintaining my sanity and knowing I am just living in a rehearsed play. But, then it is like, by calling them potential delusions or whatever, even though I don’t think they potentially are, am I giving off some vibe like I am faking this whole thing or something? I mean I am on medications to treat this stuff though with medical records. 

Such a mental obstacle course and circus… because people don’t deny things I might tell them as well, it is that proverbial wink thing. Like I had my doctor read the book one time and one of his only questions was, so who is your wife? So, in my head it is like, what is our angle here? Are we calling everything schizophrenia? Or are we like doing some sort of in between thing, where we can act a bit like it is all real, but it isn’t.  

Nobody I have ever shared things with yet, has told me I have delusions yet to my face, let’s put it that way. Doctors, friends, family, psychiatrist… just not a word is said. So, I am really only the first person to even say that I have delusions, but I don’t think they are delusions… it is so confusing. I think for disability though, we are going to have to probably call them delusions though… example: He thinks he is in an initiation to be king of the world… 

This is all a big reason I avoid seeing a therapist… because it is like, how do we do this in a therapy setting? I feel like I am going to come out of there even more screwed up than I am now… Especially could have been detrimental when I was trying to figure somethings out… I didn’t want a professional telling me everything was delusions and I needed to accept that… I avoided telling almost everybody anything for those reasons… I know what I believe, I didn’t want people to try and screw with me more, which I felt would be done especially considering I am in this bet. 

Which, I have said this before, but I am in a good place mentally now to walk the line of all of this, whichever way pans out. I have locked myself in mentally now and know what I believe. But, I really don’t even know what to expect when I do these things, so I don’t know why I try to analyze them so much… many times even if I do think something will happen a certain way, every effort is made to make sure it doesn’t, so by staying out of it as best I can, it is probably for the better.  

I just keep trying to find ways of making myself happy… within the rules of course as I am finding out, that has been a tough pill to swallow. I have definitely found out the hard way, that world was all a big lie in many ways, that many notions that were presented to us as young children and young adults were false, at least for me. I had thought the world operated a certain way, a fairer way, and I was wrong. I certainly had a lot to learn! It always amazes me just how evil some people can be, you want to believe that there is a little good in everybody, but that is another life lesson! Although I still think the vast majority might have the ability to change, some of it is beyond comprehension, I am telling ya, it feels like possession is the only answer… It is just an evil that is delusional and flies in the face of logic… They certainly aren’t just after a good life, they have been offered a good life on many occasions, I offered them a chance to even be heroes… they are after something much darker. 

Therapy session over…hehe 

I hate talking about disability, and wanting to be on it, because I feel people will think I am lazy and trying to scam the system or something like… Thinking about people’s reactions makes me feel bad to be trying to get it… Even though the truth is this schizophrenia and I think high functioning autism takes it toll on me quite a bit… I used to love going to work on Mondays… worked free overtime… I wish I was still capable of being that way. It was fun when I really enjoyed work, I try to make myself enjoy it, but reality hits me often. 

If you read my blog and the about me section… that is what I truly believe, what I will die believing… what I live day in and day out. Even on just the “delusional” aspect, the life I live is very exhausting… I am happy if I get myself in the shower every day. Little things that pile on, become so difficult. That doesn’t even begin to dive into physical sensations and panic attacks and things like that… This is my back up plan, to try and write and paint from home… where I am most comfortable.  

But, I do feel bad that I want to be on disability… although from even a service to my country feeling, it could certainly be seen as money that is owed to me in a way. Although, everything has to be within the rules of the initiation/bet… I would certainly be getting it because I have a disability. I can only imagine the hurdles and convincing everyone has to go through to make disability happen… I have to imagine my enemy would be strongly against it and looking for any rule to not allow it. So, I think if I do get it… that I truly deserve it. 

That all being said, my confidence went up a bit with my meeting with my lawyer today, he only gets paid if I win, so for him to even decide to continue with the case makes me feel I at least have a shot. Plus, he had a whole new attitude this time around… when I first went in there, he was a bit apprehensive and seemed not too happy with me, felt like I was getting the vibe I was wasting his time or something like that… But, this time, he was much warmer and asking questions, and wanting me to get more information… seemed like we are going ahead with this thing… I thought, maybe he has finally seen some of my files now! Knows I’m not just trying to scam the system! 

Which, I was expecting it all to be dropped because I took some online classes this past year and did well on them, which he said may hurt my case, but maybe not… So, it was a good day, I have some hope for disability yet, I had really given up on it in a big way… was one of the major reasons I started this blog and wanted to try journalism. Because, I want to be at least somewhat started on my quest to work from home, if this all didn’t work out.  

Who knows, maybe the possible success of this blog and everything also helped lead to a bargain for disability… Maybe every side thinks they are coming out of the situation the best they can by me being on disability… 

I don’t know… could still take another year or two possibly anyways unless a judge decides that there is no need for a hearing and just grants it. So, I am may still attempt to syndicate a bit, because working from home or being at home for that matter is the ultimate goal here. The sooner the better… 

I still plan to do this blog, disability or not… and paint… I will consider this like my job either way! 

I feel like I have made trillions of dollars, plus the government probably owes me a nice chunk of money for services rendered… but still feel really bad trying to get on disability, a bit of an oxymoron… But, at the same time, I also do have a real disability in my Schizophrenia (and I think high functioning autism)… 

Blah… 

Feel free to steal this idea… I would be interested if it would work. I often times wonder if I could do a comedy show that relied heavily on movie quotes, especially from comedies. To a point that I would assign movie homework before you came to one of my shows… Watch these movies before you come. 

I have personally found quoting movies to be one of the most universal laugh getters ever. Especially if presented properly, people will be on the floor laughing, reliving old movie scenes and quotes. Heck, my dad and I have at least one or two Seinfeld sessions a year, just dying laughing while quoting scenes… tears running down our faces. In fact, sometimes movies are even funnier when you talk about them, than when you originally watched them! 

I like to use the line, I speak fluent movie quotes because they have become such a huge part of my life. My brain is wired for them… I will discuss it in a later blog in more detail… but my mind made the correlation that I get many laughs and happy thoughts from movie quotes, so remembering movie quotes comes pretty easy, but I don’t watch many movies anymore… 

This will probably be my shortest blog post yet… more just something to maybe talk about at the water cooler… where you probably have exchanged some of your favorite lines… 

But, do you think a person could do a comedy show that revolved around movie quotes and scenes in a major way? Would you do the homework assignment of watching a particular list of movies before you went to a show? I think it could catch on, it would all be a matter of presentation, but there has to be a comedian that could do it right… and it would probably be something a comedian could continue to do over many years, because there are always new movies coming out. 

I just have a feeling if it was done right, people would be in tears laughing… 

I wonder if miracles aren’t more scientific than we think… they say that we are composed of energy, that energy is everywhere, and that energy never dies. Not to mention how electrical our brains are with our neurons firing and sending signals throughout our minds and bodies… neurotransmitter’s… the whole deal. 

So, I wonder if miracles might just be, getting on the right signal. Like a radio acquiring a signal in a way… 

I will go on record as saying that I still believe miracles are possible and that they may have happened in Earth’s history… I always say, God had a plan and had to achieve it, but he would still try and leave us in the best possible situation while achieving said goal… 

So, I think miracles are possible, just possibly very difficult to achieve, have to get your inner body and mind perfectly in line and sending or receiving the proper signal… I think we link up with the spiritual energy of the world, the energy that is all around us and guiding us. 

I think prayers can work, but perhaps we just have a very weak signal with the spiritual energy right now… so we only affect our surrounding very minutely, example: Not a full complete miracle, but perhaps a doctor finds the needle in the haystack when checking out some issue within your body… 

Not that all miracles would happen, because there is also a reason for everything… perhaps some are unfortunately meant to die before old age slowly takes them. 

I think miracles are achieved by being full of love and inner peace, also through enlightenment and having clarity about the world. I think there is a hierarchy within the spiritual energy possibly as well, where you can only achieve miracles by being who you truly are. Whereas, Jesus was able to achieve miracles by being God’s Son, and his disciples by being disciples… If of course you believe Jesus did perform miracles… I actually still like to believe, and just believe that we as humans lost our connection with the spiritual energy.  

So, I believe that miracles are possible and even potentially things like ESP (the ability for two humans to connect mentally)… one person transmits… the other receives… like a radio… we are electrically charged! Haha. The more we dig into our brains, the more we realize we have in common with computers… hehe 

My ultimate fantasy though…is that God left an escape plan… a backdoor to heaven. I like to think that if enough people connected with the spiritual energy of the world and prayed… perhaps Jesus will come floating down from heaven, that we may open up some dimensional portal or something. I don’t know, like I said before, if God could do it while achieving his plan, he would.  

It is really the only logical way I could see the Jesus floating down from heaven thing happen, that there is a backdoor, an escape clause… that if this world becomes enlightened and so full of love and positive energy, that one day we may cheat death as a world and universe. In a way, world peace and love are something we have never tried… and the devil would probably never even see it as a possibility.  Perhaps, that is why we are a little over populated right now, to have enough positive energy in the world…  

I don’t know, probably wishful thinking, but what have we got to lose by trying? If it doesn’t work, but we achieve world peace and everybody getting along, and a world full of love and togetherness… it wasn’t exactly a loss… 

I have personally felt at times I was on a path to achieving miracles… I think I have a recipe, possibly though, no promises… but unfortunately, I am in an initiation/bet that keeps me well chained to the floor… I just don’t see it as very achievable while I am in this situation… I know how to get myself in a very good place mentally, I just can’t do it while people are out to make my life as miserable as possible… I just have to settle for being as comfortable as I can for now…  

But in conclusion, why couldn’t there be a science to miracles? Energy, connects all life and things… why couldn’t someone get on the right frequency to send out a signal or manipulate the surrounding energy?