I am having a hard time trying to figure out how I want to interact with the world as it is presented to me. There is the audience I feel I have, billions of people throughout the world (My imaginary audience), and then the audience presented to me (real audience… but not really), not many people right now… 

I feel my imaginary audience likes most things that I put out there, plus likes when I talk about myself or my “schizophrenic” thoughts and ideas, discuss how I interact in the world. Like to me, I should already be very successful at what I am doing, with very loyal readers… Like, what I am talking about right now, they (you) find this very interesting… But I have to appease the situation I am given, this initiation/bet (about me section)… 

It is so conflicting, because I feel I am the most popular person in the world but at the same time I am worried about losing the 3 people (not sure on number) reading this right now, that I am shown are viewing. So, I still feel like I have to strategically build an audience, if this is all even possible to begin with… I think I already have the audience, but I have to figure out how to build an audience within the world presented to me, if that makes sense. 

So, I am still very worried if I am still being interesting enough, or if I talk about myself too much, and things like that. Trying to find a nice balance of presenting interesting ideas while also still doing my journaling about life as a “schizophrenic”. I don’t want to put off people in this wonderland of a world I am living in… I am worried people won’t be interested at all with daily issues of my life, that I just need mind altering ideas all the time, which it is hard to live up to those expectations. I would like to hopefully link up at some point with the type of audience that can find my situation interesting, that might find this particular blog entry fascinating, this is my life everyday… blog entries like this are actually pretty easy for me. I haven’t even begun to talk about how ordinary people talking to me on the tv has become… 

I am getting close to sending out some articles to newspapers to try and self-syndicate. I worry about the same things… will I be interesting enough for the “real” audience… Can I come up with big articles constantly enough to make a living out of it? I think this is all a very marketable concept in general, so hopefully I can land a few jobs. But, I’m already worried about keeping a job I don’t even have yet… But, in my head I feel like USA Today would gladly publish anything I wanted to put out there. Such a weird conflicting feeling, I think every newspaper would gladly accept and gladly publish me, but at the same time very worried about losing a job writing for smaller newspapers while I am in this situation. 

I actually like challenges that I am capable of completing, I just worry that I might be chasing something that is already dead in the water, that the rules of this initiation/bet won’t allow it. If it is a completable task, I will probably have fun, even given the crazy situation of the competing imaginary and real audiences. I enjoy a good game for sure, whether real or computer based if that makes sense. A good challenge is enjoyable, especially within the realm of something I enjoy doing. 

This all could turn into a pretty excellent situation in many ways… definitely not the optimal world, but optimal within my situation… This may have come off as confusing as all get out for many of you, but it makes sense in my head. 

I think I meant to say the “real audience” is the billions of people, and the “imaginary audience” is the one presented to me… haha But, from the schizophrenic perspective it would be the other way around… still working on how to go about labeling what things “schizophrenic”. 

To me, my schizophrenia, is what helps allow me to realize I am living in the fake world… helps free my mind and break through some ceilings of rational beliefs… helped get me out of the box I use to live in. My schizophrenia is a little like taking the Red pill in The Matrix… “You take the red pill – You stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.” 

Another fun one from a prompt… Do you believe in intelligent alien life? 

I am a bit of yes and no on this one… my main issue with Alien life would be, what is their purpose? If you know my belief system, I believe that this universe is a trap designed to catch the devil. So, in my little world, I would think God would want the Devil focused on Earth as much as possible, because, I think this is where everything went down for the most part.  

Perhaps there could be purpose to alien life, a back-up plan or something. I would be particularly interested in reading their history texts and things like that to help evaluate a purpose. To me, I just doubt it a bit for that reason…  

Obviously, it would also take another perfect combination of events to bring intelligent life somewhere else as well… As they say, if we were like a foot closer or further away from the sun, we would all be dead. Not that we won’t all be dead when the sun dies out anyways someday… not to mention the whole universe may implode on itself someday if gravity starts pulling everything back.  

Sometimes I wonder if we may be at the center of the universe, they say that things move away from us… so if they moved away evenly from every direction, it could indicate that we are possibly at the center of the universe…. that might be a little beside the point… 

Back to Aliens… I actually personally believe in my logic so much, I think that if Aliens were hacking our satellites and listening in and seeing everything that is going down on Earth right now… Their ship would be landing in my front yard, perhaps they would even rescue me from my situation… They would definitely see Earth as like a ground zero where the trap caught its targeted prey. In my opinion anyways… 

In conclusion, I wouldn’t want to go on record as saying that Intelligent Aliens don’t exist… I just have a hard time seeing a purpose at this point in time, not to say that there couldn’t be a purpose for aliens to exist… perhaps they have created some technology that we could all use, but weren’t meant to have until a particular point in time… I don’t know. 

Of course, if the Aliens were evil… that would bring up a whole new list of questions and issues… 

I have come back to an event that happened back in college on multiple occasions. I am still not sure if I sold out the Yankees or not, I feel like many fans wouldn’t have given in… 

Back when I was a delivery driver in college, it may have even been Cortica weekend (A big football game for our little school), I had my fandom challenged. I brought a delivery to a house, and there was a slightly drunk (buzzed) guy at the door and his friend. Which, he saw I was wearing a Yankees hat, I think he was a Boston fan if I remember correctly. But, then here comes the dilemma… 

He says, for 2 or 3 bucks tip or whatever would you say that the Yankees suck? Which I said no, then he raised it to $5, I said no again, then he raised it again, same response and then again… Eventually we got to at least $10 which he showed me, which was also a lot of money for a broke college kid, I was delivering for a reason, I also delivered because it was a sweet job, with a sweet boss and coworkers, but that is beside the point… 

Either way, we got to $10 bucks or whatever and I thought, what the heck, I don’t have to mean what I say… So, I just kind of smiled and said the Yankees suck, and he gave me the $10 bucks. His friend right away told him he was an idiot, which I felt validated my choice a bit. I got to my car thinking, chalk one up for the Yankees baby! I thought it was a successful deal, I talked him up to a rather reasonable tip for like a $5.75 order… It wasn’t like I meant what I said, I could have easily yelled out the Yankees rule after I collected my money (I did not). 

But, to this day, when I think about it, I ask myself…. would a real die-hard Yankee fan have made that deal? Is there no price for a true fan to utter those words… I have to imagine everybody has an amount to which they would oblige such a minor request, especially within a particular situation. If I had given in at $5 I think I would have been a sell-out, but I kind of feel it was a very New York thing to keep bartering up the amount until I went through with it. I felt like I took him in a way I guess… 

But, it still haunts me to this day… Was I the victor in this situation, or was he? Is this a point for the Yankees or Boston in our historic rivalry? I’m not so sure we could call it flush and move on… maybe. Perhaps Yankees fans will see it as a win for our side, and Boston for their side… 

My argument is in the bartering… I didn’t make the deal until double digits, it was at least $10… This is a college $10, we all know a college $10 is like $50 bucks or more in the real world… I might argue as well, that if I had pressed on too far, it would have just turned into a forget it type situation… I felt it was maximum amount given the situation. 

But, that inner debate popped up in my head again this morning… 

To quote Brian from the movie half baked, “I’m not going to do what everybody thinks I am going to do, and freak out”… 

I use that quote, because in the past I would have probably already given up on this endeavor and entered into a depressive and angry period, mad at the world and my situation. In the past, all of my attempts at doing something I felt I would find enjoyable, fell flat. Because I just couldn’t get over the idea and rule of this initiation/bet (see about me section), that I couldn’t use exceptional abilities. I always thought the selling point was definitely a great Idea, or a great story… I thought for sure my book perfect capitalism manifesto would sell many copies and fast… I think some of my ideas are nobel prize winning I thought for sure if I sent a copy of them to universities, I would be accepted on the spot… I always think things will take off very fast and catch on like wildfire through the internet and the world… They still do in my head, but I am beholden to the rules of my situation… It is such a painful feeling at times when things don’t pan out… 

I definitely plan to use this current endeavor to find some of the limits of my situation… For instance, like said in previous posts, I wonder if I can even sell paintings at all, I am not sure if there is some rule against it. Perhaps in the past I just didn’t approach it from the right angle or persist enough… It probably has to pan out from like the “average person” perspective, that things won’t happen over-night or quickly, that I can’t try just a couple simple marketing attempts. I can only imagine what kind of a headache all of this is for people managing the rules of this bet… because it must be a bit of a grey area of how things can progress. How could you completely define rules like that, that are so subjective. 

Even though I haven’t progressed very far, it still felt like a successful first month… things seems to be happening a bit, albeit a bit slowly… Plus, I am not as desperate as I was in the past, so I have more patience and persistence. Like I have said before, I am paid up on the website for the year, and I enjoy writing, so I can’t see a reason to stop. I feel that my enemies have been spending a bunch of money lately though… I am hoping it is because they think this will work out for me and are trying to make me give up before it gets going. 

For instance, my social life was picking up a bit, but that has come to a rather abrupt halt. People that regularly talk to me will start to not respond or answer anymore, things like that. Make plans and cancel, something comes up. Stuff that use to really get to me… but I am getting better at getting through the phases when more money is being spent against me. When they had tons and tons of money I would be lucky to hear from someone once or twice a year… so at least that is getting better, now there may be a month here or there or whatever… plus I get responses more often, which is good. I am definitely a social animal. 

Something tells me though, if I persist, this can happen. Before long I will start trying to self-syndicate myself, perhaps in the next month or two, definitely over Christmas break from school. I really don’t need to make that much money considering I live with my parents and they are happy to have me here. So, my initial target doesn’t seem that out of reach, then perhaps after I get to that point, I could reach a bit higher.  

Then, lastly, I don’t have a strong desire to vent anymore, particularly public venting, where you want someone to hear what you have to say. I have gotten much better in that department. Plus, I realize how potentially important this is, so I don’t want to screw it up. Before I may have blown up by now and these blog posts would be filled with rants. But, I have come to grips a bit with my situation now… 

This is another one of those posts that might certainly come to be labeled as schizophrenic… talking about initiation and bets, how I think I have Nobel prize winning ideas that are only met with 10 likes on facebook… How I think everybody is already reading this, but what I see is only a few… 

I’m ready to go down this road and feel good about it… My angle will definitely be on the defensive in some ways… for instance, if someone asked me in an interview, how are things progressing for your website and business?… I may say something like, I think you all have already been reading and following along, we are just acting right now, I am jumping through hoops… but I am having fun in the process haha. I think that is the right approach… I don’t want to be an actor in this story, I want people to know I am aware it is an act, and if we have to call that schizophrenic, I am fine with that! I am going to keep being myself and then see how things evolve around me. Confident I may finally have something sellable, that I enjoy, that falls within the parameters of the initiation/bet. 

Which I hope, many people come along for the ride… So, I have one more thing to add… “Who’s coming with me?” 

Something I decided to write on twitter this morning, brought to mind one of my earliest blog entry ideas… about groundbreaking ideas. 

I wanted to talk more about a person that comes up with the groundbreaking thought or idea after someone else. It is one of those little things you come to notice in life… that you can think up the exact same idea in your own mind, but you are still kind of seen as less smart by society. If someone comes up with an idea or thought already said or done before, that is all we say, that is already been done or said before. But, we don’t take the little moment, to realize that the individual thought up that same groundbreaking idea on their own… they are basically just as smart, they just were a little late to the party is all. 

It is interesting the way history looks at the same principle, we right off the people that follow. If someone invented an airplane in America, and another team of people did it on the other side of the world with no prior knowledge, we would only ever hear about the first person. Not that, that is a horrible thing. I am just making an observation, but sometimes we write ourselves off in the same way, we may come up with an idea only to see it already done, but you should take a moment to realize that you were smart enough to come up with the idea on your own. 

Which, brings me to another interesting feeling, when something clicks, and we fully understand something. Everything becomes clear and we have such a moment of clarity. Whether trying to understand math, economics, engineering, or some concept we have been thinking about… We get that feeling of discovery, it is when we don’t just believe something because somebody we trust told us, we understand it for ourselves, it is a great feeling. Makes you feel like you invented it a bit, because you did all the work and logic in your head. 

(Schizophrenic Thought?) For instance, I think everyone really likes my economics book, Perfect Capitalism Manifesto, but what I think makes it particularly popular, is it gives the paths of logic to discover it for yourself, you don’t just trust me because I said I am smart and I came up with this idea, you did all the thinking yourself and believe and know it for yourself. I try and do that with most things, try to present a path of logic to discover things for yourself. I don’t ever say, just trust me, I try to deliver it in a way of self-discovery and trusting yourself. Which can also lead to enlightenment and self-awareness.  

I don’t know as though there is a specific point or lesson to this blog post today, just more an observation. An observation that a person that discovers or invents something without prior knowledge is also showing something exceptional. That not being first, shouldn’t knock you down too such a great extent. Probably in part it is a societal effort to preemptively fight possible frauds or false claims by people that say they invented something when they just copy or stole it… A bit of a false prophet type deal… But, you know in your heart if you discovered something without prior knowledge! 

I also think it is something special to even follow paths of logic and discover and know something for ourselves as well. 

This all brought up some other thoughts about how most of what we think and know is based off of logical assumptions… but I will save that for another day! 

Figured I would just do something fun today. A recent writing prompt I found was, what food could you not live without? I could live without a lot of different kinds of food here on earth, I feel a better rephrasing of the question may be… what food makes life more worth living? 

I decided to go with pizza as my favorite, although there are many contenders… burgers, nachos, pot roast, chicken wings, chicken tenders, to name just a few of my favorites! But, pizza would probably have to be my overall favorite, I use to eat pizza basically every day for a while. I have been especially fond of the chicken wing pizza at a local restaurant lately, it is delicious. 

I had to stop eating pizza everyday though, I came to find out why Arnold Schwarzenegger calls white bread, “white death”. I found out, in big part because my brain and body are very sensitive to what I eat. My brain definitely wants me to maintain a certain degree of homeostasis, and if I diverge, I am brought in line in not the most pleasant fashion… 

But, of course I had to do some investigating, white bread is particularly bad because it uses refined grain, they strip all of the nutrients and outer coating off, which when that happens, we absorb the carbs really fast and it gives us a blood sugar spike. Whole wheat for example, doesn’t strip the grain, so you absorb it at a much slower pace, a much more natural pace. It makes sense because we evolved eating grains and other things naturally, so our bodies learned to process them in their natural state. When we do so much manipulating, we just don’t process them well. They say the same thing about juicing a bit, suppose to eat fruit and vegetables the way we evolved with it (I’m not super sure about the juicing though, some people swear by it!). So, I ended up getting like a weird addiction to pizza, where I would feel at times like I had low blood sugar and I had to get my carb fix, on more than one occasion, I felt it was like a physical emergency that I needed to eat some pizza, which I then thought, that is not good, I just want to feel neutral all day. Which I found a diet that works well for me, but I can talk about that another day. 

This just reminded me of something I told somebody one day… like everything that tastes absolutely delicious is almost always bad for us. We get just a little taste of heaven here, like God doesn’t want us to get too comfortable here, to help us look forward to dying a little bit. That goes for many things, I stopped chewing tobacco, but I definitely plan to start chewing again once I get to heaven haha, will be smoking cigars again as well… I am very patient now. My goal is to make it to 100, why not take a run at being the oldest person to ever live here? 

But, Pizza is probably my favorite… lots of contenders though… I can only imagine how good the food is in heaven! 

This blog today will hopefully help some of you find your spiritual warrior… 

We have an Army here on Earth, but I think that there is also God’s Army in which most, if not all of us sign up for. I say this, because the next time you are depressed or feeling down about something. Say to yourself, maybe I signed up for this… 

I wonder if all lives are assignments in their own way, that God might present us all with missions that we can sign up for. That you, may have signed up for this life in Heaven, and then came here to live it. You may have done it with great heart, that you didn’t want anybody else to suffer and have that life, you jumped on the grenade in a way. Somebody had to do it, somebody was going to suffer, and you said, I’ll do it. 

I wonder sometimes if we don’t live multiple lives, come back at different times over Earth’s existence. Perhaps sometimes coming here for easier tasks, and at others very difficult tasks. Maybe you are blind… what is not to say you aren’t some nun from a previous life that hates to see people suffering and decided to sign up for it.  

Your purpose can be as simple as filling a life that was meant to be lived, the position had to be filled for the greater plan to work… A child meant to come here and die of cancer at a young age, perhaps one of the most noble among us in heaven… Then of course the whole snowball of every life and death, your birth brought a butterfly effect into the world, your death will leave causing a butterfly effect, and everything in between, we alter the world every day in ways we can never imagine… 

Hopefully this will inspire some people to find their inner spiritual warrior though, that you are in God’s army, that you were strong enough to sign up and come to this Hell Hole (pardon my language). You are strong enough to survive your life here and its trials and tribulations, they are challenges to be met and conquered.  

I always say that you should decide to stay here and ride out this life because in part it is a great story to tell in heaven… It’s an I survived story… you kid’s think you have it rough, back on earth, that was rough, even little spiders had enough venom to kill us, there was flesh eating bacteria!… Earth is a once in a lifetime experience in many ways, after this universe is closed, you will never sign up for something like this ever again for all eternity, you can tough it out for the few years we are here… it will be your tale of overcoming adversity. I think you will be happier in heaven when all is said and done, saying you stayed here and rode it out until the end…  

Life here on Earth is certainly a challenge… and you should wonder if you signed up for it! It is brave to come somewhere and suffer depression, stress, or pain… taking one for the team.  

A bit too hot to be writing outside today! Going to discuss what I planned to do yesterday… Just a fun one about Hootie & The Blowfish. 

I loved Hootie & The Blowfish, which I feel a great deal of America did as well, it really swept the nation. I always say he has such a full voice, great country singer as well… But Hootie & The Blowfish went from like the most popular band to kicked to the curb in what felt like an overnight happenstance… 

I have this theory about what happened… I think just enough “cool kids” (trend setters) decided to say Hootie sucked one day and it just rippled down the social hierarchy. They became too cool, they were so cool that they were uncool. Often times trend setters are after just that, setting the trend, then after it becomes so popular, they want nothing to do with it anymore. On to the next thing to be declared cool… 

So, I think a lot of people still liked Hootie, they just stopped because it became uncool, in fact it did an about face to a, they suck type of deal… It was a shame, I was always amazed by it, as you can see… to go from the biggest thing to out of the game so fast. 

It almost seems one of the worst things that can happen to someone is that they become to cool with teenagers… Can put them right out of business. The goal is then to hopefully survive the uncool phase and continue on with a loyal fanbase. That or never get too cool, and just play to your niche. That was what really got me about Hootie though, they weren’t a one hit wonder, I listen to an album sometimes and can’t believe how many songs they had on one album that were top of the charts. 

They also seemed at a time when like that type of music was dying out, and like grunge was becoming the popular music… I feel Hootie would have done great in like the 70’s… 

It was sad, he came to almost despise the nickname after a while… It was nice to see recently they did a little comeback concert! 

It always stuck with me though, because everybody seemed to be listening to them… then this like social phenomenon happened… You don’t really see it as much anymore, youth have a different attitude at the moment. Hootie time was at a bit of a cultural upheaval…  

It was a time as well, when many young adults from like broken or abusive homes were finding their voice, sparked a lot of research and debate about a lot of family and parenting issues… It was a time of like venting frustration and anger towards parents and society… I think that was a big part of the grunge, it was a bunch of young adults finally coming out and saying what they were feeling on the inside about different issues. More openness about depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts and the like. In keeping with that, it also ushered in an era of metal music as well… A lot of people had something to say about things they wanted changed! A lot of pent up emotions came out in the form of music and became a whole cultural change… 

In the same way of like the peace and love movement… this was a different movement centered around more childhood drama, along with other things, much more complex than I am making it sound! 

I think Bill Burr said it well one time… He said, you spend your 20’s and 30’s getting over all the trauma of your childhood…  

Which I will say, I was lucky to have a very good upbringing… so I can’t relate very much to the childhood trauma and neglect… I more was making an observation about a time in our countries history. I hope all of you suffering with issues find peace and comfort… 

Music has certainly led to many emotional cultural upheavals in more recent time… Somebody sings about it, they give you a voice… which you also start to realize how many people are suffering from the same problems… which can cause some big changes… power in numbers for sure, plus the confidence to then share your stories with other people and take action. 

I could probably start talking about music in general, but people spend their whole lives researching the effects of music on society, I could never do it well enough justice in a 500-1000 word blog entry… Let’s just say it is pretty amazing the effect of music on society… the world… 

Well, as usual, this blog got away from me again… You could probably write a book inspired by the phenomenon that happened to Hootie & the Blowfish, they just got caught up in a crazy situation that was also during a new cultural revolution. Always stuck with me though, been trying to understand it all this time, at least 15 or more years now… 

I think I will have to have a little Hootie Jam session after all this discussion! 

Hope you are having a good weekend. 

Figured I would just do something short and fun today, I was a bit stressed this afternoon and had a minor brief setback, first time in a long time. Just a culmination of things this week, put me over the edge a bit. Especially, once I start thinking this or that is being done to make me mad, then every little minor inconvenience feels like it was bought and paid for. I certainly feel a lot of money has been spent recently by the enemy in the initiation/bet, plus some poor, possibly laced with evil decisions made by my side have got me flustered. 

To me, everything is pretty much planned anymore… I feel like I am just moving through a play as I have said before… So, when people start making me drive places I think that was either paid for or some sort of deal was made. Especially when on said drive, I run into various situations that seem not probable given how often I drive. Like, one of the only days that I have to drive, I have to pass 3 modular house type deals, which was a very sketchy situation. Whenever these modular’s come to one of the little cross over bridges on the highway, they have to move over and take over both sides of the highway. Meanwhile, everybody is just flying by, trying to pass, causing all these near accidents as we move from one overpass to the next. Then finally, I feel it might be safer to pass instead of sitting behind in case an accident happens. Now, I have to make sure I don’t pass, when we are crossing a little narrowed bridge. It is just really sketchy, and I just have a hard time believing it happened by chance. 

Then, later, a lady swerves a bit into my lane as I am passing her… Was not a fun trip. It even started a little weird when I first pulled on to the highway on my way there… right behind a log truck, which if you have ever seen final destination, you may understand why I may find that quite timed… 

But, I just have a hard time believing, people can just out right pay to put me in a dangerous situation. I tend to buy into an idea that deals, and stuff are made as well. Like, we will give you this much money to do this to him… then a deal is ironed out… But, deals like this one are very sketchy, it makes me feel like even my side has it in for me a bit. Whenever these types of situations use to happen, I use to feel like whoever was in charge of making the deals for me, had succumb to power or evil a bit and had gotten some delusional idea in their head, which they would then try and take certain opportunities to take me out. I think, being so close and involved in the king of the world scenario with trillions of dollars on the line or whatever, can really get inside people’s heads and do strange things to them.  

They just seem to be, very unacceptable situations… why would taking the money for putting me in a dangerous situation going 70 mph down the highway ever be a good idea? 

Perhaps, it is all just some random occurrence, I just don’t buy that. I think everything is very planned for the most part… even to think, security wise, we wouldn’t want assassins or something like would be killers to just being able to drive on nearby highways or whatever… There must be some kind of perimeter, with some kind of security… I have a hard time believing that there is just no plan at all… 

Plus, I think once a deal has been made it is in stone… so if someone has their evil/delusional moment and makes a deal that involves putting me in a dangerous situation… nobody can then stop it from happening…. 

Sometimes I feel like people try to apologize and warn me before things go down… but living through those scenarios is very upsetting… I especially use to have very negative reactions to them at times, so my brain is trained a bit to react in a certain way, so I have to fight some built up innate responses at the time. Which, of course, then when I do get mad or upset, all the frowning faces are all of a sudden happy, like they love that I am suffering… makes for some bad days…. 

It has just been a rough 4 days, I just felt like some really sketchy deals went down in recent time… I think the evil side got into the heads a bit of people on our side… at least that is what I tend to believe, like I said, I just don’t understand how that would seem a wise choice, no matter how much money. I am pretty sure it is one of the most important things on the planet right now, that I don’t die or kill myself.  

I was going to talk about Hootie & the blowfish today, but couldn’t stop myself from talking about my day a bit, I guess a little therapeutic… Or as people will probably have to say, very schizophrenic… 

Either way, I think it may be time to tell everyone, I should only drive around town anymore… Make it like a rule, play the schizophrenic card, and say that it really stresses me out, especially when my delusions and thinking get involved… I might make things out bigger than they appear… 

Either way, it has been a stressful week, so it isn’t like I’m not telling the truth either way… 

Ay ay ay… 

Fighting back sleep as I type, trying to make it until my bed time, but I might doze off before then. Would definitely like to stay on my sleep schedule! 

Too tired to dig into the journal today for a topic to talk about, so figured I may just give a little status update… 

Currently conflicted as to when I want to start really pushing the journalism career, have really been racking my mind over it. Part of me says I should start working towards self-syndicating now, getting some articles written up, sending out some info to editors. Then, I wonder if I am going to want the extra stress of writing articles while I am finishing this next year of college, getting my associates.  

I am starting to lean towards the idea of taking a year or two off after I graduate from community college to try and get the journalism career going before I invest 30,000 in student loans getting my bachelor’s. I will be in a decent position financially after this year, so if I could make it work after just getting my associates, I would be pleased. 

The question is do I start pushing now? or just do my blog, painting, and write a few articles for the school paper until I graduate? Which, then I would start sending out info to editors. Decisions, decisions… part of my problem, is I am not super confident in myself… I immediately start thinking I will not have enough time during the school year and will run out of ideas, or I will start writing articles that the editor doesn’t find interesting anymore or the audience doesn’t like. 

If I just keep doing what I am doing for the next year and do a little advertising, who knows, perhaps I will start building a little audience or something. Maybe the school paper will let me publish my website page in the paper along with my submission. 

The good news is, I paid the website up for a year, so got that covered for a while… and canvas panels aren’t very expensive… So, it isn’t like this endeavor is draining money from me every month to keep it up and running. Which, today was a good day when I stopped at hobby lobby after a delivery, 50% off paint and brushes, so I stocked up a little on some paint… think I am going to start working on crosses again as well! 

I definitely love doing this, just feels right… writing and painting… then the big dream would be if I ever made enough to open up a little storefront that could be like my office & a coffee shop… add in a little penny poker game table and I would really be living the dream! 

I am cautiously optimistic…  

To try and start self-syndicating now or not? That is the question… Whether tis wiser to get a head start or to see how what I am doing now does for me? 

Write, paint, coffee shop, penny poker… that is the dream within my current situation.