Well, it has been a pretty good week, think I definitely needed the break. I have ascertained through my schizophrenic methods that many would prefer I don’t continue my blog… I am a bit of a wild card when I am just writing out to the public like this. I think we have gotten to a pretty good place in the world right now and they would like to control my message a bit. They seem to say this is probably the biggest microphone in the world at the moment. So, I guess they may worry a bit about possible ramifications of billions of people hearing a message all at once, especially information on such an important thing going on right now. I am supposed to trust the system, that my message will be received. We have some unconventional ways of still getting out there what I have to say. 

My main issue is, is that I feel I am a philosopher living in a technological world. My brain is wired in a way that it always tends to turn things into a big picture. I tend to just receive information, take concepts from it and retain information that is important to a broader concept. I have a lot of trouble doing technological things, I forget very fast and have trouble holding on to what I learned, I only take the concepts from it, or what it could be used for. For example, I think if I was to go to college for computer programming, by the time I got to a job I would have already forgotten how to do everything… I can’t retain things like that. The two math classes I had in college this last year, I got over a 100 in each class, but that is all long gone in my brain already. Going to school for a lot of things would be a complete waste of time and money. 

So, I am good at coming up with big ideas and concepts and things like that though… but in this initiation bet, I can’t seem to make money using anything I am good at. At the same time, I can’t retain any of the skills that would provide me a job living in the middle somewhere… I am either on one end of the spectrum or the other… either some major world changing thing, or I have to be a machine operator or something like that, where I don’t have to apply much “skill”. 

Which, those jobs in the more manual labor skill set make me want to kill myself and give me lots of anxiety for various reasons… so I am screwed a bit… 

My happy median was going to be this blog and journalism… but I’m not sure it will work out. I don’t think it is a preferred job for me by interested parties. 

Hopefully the disability works out… many signs seem to say it will and that things are coming together, but given some previous life experience, they may just be trying to get me excited, so it will hurt as much as possible when I get denied.  

So, until I know I have disability for sure, I will still do this blog once a week I am thinking, to keep it going while I wait… I will attempt to share ideas while being as uncontroversial as possible hehe. I think I did a pretty good job of that for the first two months. 

This remains my backup plan… Not many options for me, disability would certainly seem optimal…  

A classic quote from what I often consider my favorite movie all time… I use it, because I think I am need of a break after these last couple months. I am mentally exhausted… like today, I knew exactly what I wanted to write about, but did not have the drive to put the pen to paper. I am so mentally exhausted, just the idea of copy and pasting this to put on wordpress and posting to twitter and facebook seems like such a task today, I will suffer through the couple minutes it takes though… 

I am probably especially exhausted because of the uncertainty in my life right now, when I have to wait to find out something like disability it really gets to me, I over think everything and worry about whether I won’t get it, then I make plans in case I don’t get it… then I think, this blog isn’t really taking off and I haven’t heard back from newspapers yet, what will I do if none of these things work out? Maybe I will apply to a couple colleges… I am just full of thinking and doubt right now… it makes keeping up with this blog more difficult… 

Maybe take a week break or something… probably good to take a break with school starting up soon as well… I might post some little personal updates or something, maybe not. Like I said, even just posting to facebook and twitter that I posted my blog post for the day, sounds like such a task at the moment… 

I wrote more in my journal I wanted to cover today, but I think I shall call it a day right here… 

It was a good run though… 2 months posting everyday… I will be back! 

Stay tuned… 

I had an idea for changing the courts a while back, I would be curious to see if it would ever work out. But, what I have noticed about our current law system, is how much is relies on lying. Almost nobody pleads guilty at the onset, everything starts from the angle of pleading not guilty for the most part. You get rewarding for lying right from the get go… 

I might also say I think in the eyes of God, people that defend people they know are guilty and help them get away with the crime, are essentially a co-conspirator of the crime, like the get-away driver in a way. I hate lawyers that look at getting criminals off as good for business… Now, I might be able to see something where you like the person and don’t believe they deserve a full sentence or something and are trying to help them not spend as much time in jail or something, that you truly don’t think the person deserves it…  

I always think of Abraham Lincoln who refused to take any case that he thought the person was guilty… in fact one time while he was defending a person, he realized the guy was guilty and had to leave the room, he wanted to tell the judge he thought the person was guilty now, but people told him he could be disbarred for doing that. That is an example of a great lawyer to me. 

But, I have an idea, where we reward people for pleading guilty… If you plead guilty, I think you should have a sentencing trial where you explain to a jury why you did what you did, how you ended up in your situation… your telling people you are guilty of the crime, but you get a chance to explain why you don’t deserve the full sentence or shouldn’t be punished. I could see some instances where people plead guilty and get away with a crime all together after explaining what happened or their life story. Just being willing to plead guilty is already an example of why you don’t deserve the full sentence. But, the catch is, if you plead not-guilty and get found guilty, you automatically get the full sentence… Lying shows why you deserve the full sentence… This way we would be rewarding people for not lying… 

Lawyers would probably need time to prepare and get character witnesses and people to collaborate stories… but I think it could be a good system potentially.  

Schizophrenic thought… sometimes I think people are trying to tell me we are already trying this places and it is working well… 

I don’t like that a lawyer has to defend someone they think is guilty… the way we do it now a bit, if everyone thinks they are guilty, they should have to plead guilty or defend themselves… perhaps a lawyer could just help them with courtroom etiquette or something like that… Seems weird we make someone help a person get away with a crime they think they are guilty of… That or allow a lawyer to say, I think he is guilty, but I am helping him present his case… I don’t know… 

I am of course open to debate about all of this… just some thoughts… 

I was so close to not writing today, but I told myself, you told yourself you would write everyday… so here I am…

Chicken wing pizza day… a good day… It started off as eat a bad meal day, but every friday I felt like chicken wing pizza, so it became chicken wing pizza day. I get it from original italian pizza near me, somebody certainly deserves an award for its creation… es delicioso! I look forward to this day, days in advance.

In other news… I must have gotten a bit depressed lately or something, my brain has certainly kicked on its dopamine drug or whatever, I have been a bit wired for sure, just thinking and thinking. I don’t know if I explained what my brain does before, but it will take a thought or idea I find exciting or that makes me excited, and it will just keep repeating them over and over, each time giving me a little bit of dopamine, but repeated many many times, it gets me pretty wired… it was an anti-depressant drug my brain figured out how to make itself… although the crash sometimes certainly isn’t pleasant, I am not too big of a fan of the wired feeling anymore anyways… I get worried I am going to have a heart attack or something, but my heart rate remains in good condition… my brain figured out how to make its own cocaine in a way without a lot of the negative side effects… which I don’t think cocaine should be used as an anti-depressant…

In other other news… I haven’t heard back from any of the newspapers yet, it has only been a week… probably even if you were going to pick up a column or something, it would take some time to make the decision… I feel I will most likely never hear a word back from them though… maybe…

I did get a couple bids on some paintings on ebay though, very exciting… I will only make a buck or two, but I am more excited to see that someone wanted to buy a painting, I included a signed copy of my book… I am hoping that means that more will someday sell on there. Definitely a good sign that it may be a good avenue for getting my paintings out the door… I get excited about the whole process, getting the payment, packaging them up and shipping them out the door… very fun. So, that has been nice…

In my schizophrenic world it has gotten a bit political lately as I have decided to watch the news a few times haha… I try my best to just consider it a drama designed specifically for me to watch and to keep me out of the loop of reality… I watch the news more for different reasons, but I am not sure I ever want to throw those schizophrenic thoughts out there…

Part of me wonders if the world hasn’t already adopted perfect capitalism…

I was a little worried when I looked up the question, how many years of oil do we have left in the world? and it said like 53 years… that is insane, it should be a running clock in the corner of every news show, that is a very scary fact… but in my schizophrenic world, I wonder, is that a fact? I have a feeling we are using much more nuclear power now, and other alternative energies… I have a feeling we are being much more environmentally conscious and recycling and all that… I always say, I would rather see are remaining oil used for more solid products that can be recycled and reused and spread out over a long period of time, rather than just burning into the air… we need oil for rubber and plastics, things like that…

Nuclear power I think is the future… they say there is like 10,000 years worth of power in nuclear… I am hoping eventually we can make nuclear cars, planes, and things like that… I don’t know if solar power is ever going to keep a jet plane in the air…

I will talk more about nuclear some other day… an exciting thing they think will happen though, is home nuclear generators…  then we wouldn’t have to worry about the big accidents as much… they say they can make home generators that could power your home for pennies a day.

That is for another day though…

Not too bad for winging it today, I truly had no intentions of getting into nuclear power lol

I am actually in favor of doing more to protect celebrities and their privacy. Take actors for instance, I think of how much joy movies have given me and billions of people. They have far reaching effects on society, if they only helped us get through boring days, they have done a lot. But, we thank these actors by ruining their lives quite a bit. 

What also really makes me want to help them is, there is no turning back once they have made a big movie or something like that. Maybe they didn’t realize what they were getting themselves into, perhaps it isn’t what they thought they wanted. But, they are stuck, they can’t quit and go back to their normal lives, even if they would give back all of the money in order to do so. I also have to imagine the initial fun of dealing with the paparazzi and fans wears off pretty fast. 

I also don’t like the idea that, potentially some of the best actors of the world may never act, because they want to avoid all of the negative side effects of being a celebrity. I want to watch the best movies as possible! I have heard about it on multiple occasions, the great actor that actually suffers from a lot of social anxiety. 

I had thought about this in the past, but recently watching a new episode of comedians in cars getting coffee, they brought it up, and inspired me to talk about it. I disagree with Jerry that privacy should only be in the home for celebrities, that it is what they signed up for. While, I think there are some that can handle that sort of living arrangement, I am more concerned with the people that can’t, which I think we should be worried about those people. Which, as previously stated, many of them may not have actually realized what they were signing up for, or thought they could handle it, but can’t… there isn’t any going back anymore. 

I think we either have to really help them be able to live some sort of normal life, or we need to allow them to pool their money in ways to create like closed off guarded towns or something like that, where they can have stores, movies theatres, etc… be able to live normal lives somewhere. Probably if they already did something like that, people might think they think they are too high and mighty or something. It would probably be good to raise their children in a more natural environment as well. I think a lot of actors would like the idea of being able to do what they love, while being able to live a normal life… Many probably settle on a mansion or something because you have to make your home into your one stop shop in a way, you can’t go anywhere anymore! 

And I didn’t even bring up all of the stalkers and things they also have to worry about!  

Maybe this will hit home for some actors, but I feel like some of them only feel alive when they are on screen… then it is like they are the walking dead when they aren’t working… their career is only thing keeping some of them going anymore… But, I think if they had like some normalcy and community, that would serve them very well… 

I don’t know… I think there needs to be some changes though… 

Should animal testing be banned? It is an extremely tough and sensitive question to answer. I think what can make this a more difficult question, is that we humanize animals so much. Especially through movies and books where we have talking and thinking little critters, I think we humanize them well beyond their mental capacity, probably very well beyond for most of them. 

I definitely struggle more with the idea of testing on more intellectual animals, for obvious reasons. I think all testing should be done in very ethical ways, the most ethical ways possible. It may be a good idea to have review boards for proposed ideas if we don’t already have them. Perhaps we should have to prove a studies value to humans and that the tests are of significant importance. 

I don’t think there is any argument that animal testing hasn’t been important. In fact, animal testing has probably saved millions of lives if not billions. Not to mention helped make un imaginable advances in medicine. Plus, helped us understand genetics and things like that that. So, I would have to say that I am reluctantly still for animal testing, but I think that there should be review boards for proposed studies which detail that it will be done in the most ethical way possible and showing significant importance to humans. 

I am also a big fan of the monument to lab mice in Russia. I am actually very much in favor to statues and monuments to farm animals and lab animals. I think it is good to show as a society that we appreciate their sacrifice. I think it could be good for children to grow up with a good and healthy respect for animals in that way.  

A bit too mentally exhausted to dive into one of my ideas from the journal today. I think there has been a lot going on in my subconscious that is just wearing me out… I can feel bored, but at the same time everything I would want to do seems too exhausting…

I think that is part of the reason I have trouble watching movies… it is its own type of mental acrobatics to get in the right mental state. My mind is more in thinking and solving mode, not in absorbing information mode… Absorbing mode is like a great place to be, but the last time I was there, it didn’t last too long, I ended up a bit depressed… Still trying to fight back negative thoughts… In fact, right after my last absorption period, I got pretty darn depressed and my own personal “dopamine mental drug” kicked in, I got super wired and looking for something to make me happy and ended up making this blog. Which this blog has served me well… Ultimately, someday, it would be nice to get back into my purely relaxed state of mind… I used to love watching movies all day long or things like that… someday… But, I think making myself watch a movie can be difficult, because I am like trying to override my brain a bit and it isn’t having it… I am lucky if I can get through 15 minutes most days…

My mind is always trying to get back to that super relaxed state of mind though… it just is a long systematic endeavor… I get some tastes of it here and there, my mind likes what it sees, it is just having trouble maintaining it… It gets there, then the negative thoughts creep in, then we slip back into work mode… repeat… getting a little bigger taste of complete relaxation each time… I think if I was out of my situation my recovery would most likely be much faster. I told my friend a while back, women are one of the best anti-anxiety medications there is… I might have trouble watching a movie but sit me down next to a woman for a movie, I can sit there and relax right through it… but, that isn’t an option and there are no shortcuts available.

Trying to think how to describe the battle… the physical sensations keep the negative thoughts at bay, if I am focused on chest tightness or a physical sensation, I am not consciously thinking something negative… when my brain thinks it has me in a good place, it takes away the physical sensations… but then after a little while, my brain can’t keep the negative thoughts at bay… so the physical sensations come back and my brain goes back in to repair mode to take another shot at it… and it is a cycle that repeats and repeats… but the good times gradually get a little larger and larger…

The negative thoughts are definitely worse than the physical sensations though… I remember when I first wanted the physical sensations to go away, and one day they did… then I got a glimpse back to how I use to think, and it was a nightmare… I welcomed the physical sensations back with open arms… Not that they are pleasant by any means… but they are definitely the lesser of two evils, and I know my brain is working on making me feel better… plus I see results… It is a long tedious process… eventually it gets to the point where you just feel like you are stuck between a battle going on in your mind (subconscious), between good and bad thoughts, and innocent casualty of the war…

It uses the same tactics to work on my racing thoughts as well… It was a very systematic thing… your brain tries to focus on your worst problems first and then work its way down… and one day when it starts working on the next thing it hits you like a truck… all of a sudden, a certain way of thinking is not considered acceptable by your brain anymore, and it is up to you to figure out what thoughts will cause pain and which one’s wont, and try to avoid bad mental habits… It’s annoying, because a day ago, a certain way of thinking was fine with your brain, but not today and any day thereafter…

It is a wild ride… day by day… getting there….

When I get to thinking about the logic, that for us to exist, there must be something that always existed, and that there is no beginning of time, or end of time, that a place exists that is just in a state of existence… it is so mind blowing. In our universe, everything has a beginning, and an end for that matter… everything comes from somewhere… something caused it. It is so hard to grasp the concept of something that has just always existed, none the less a being… 

I wonder if it even blows God’s mind a bit to think about it, that he just always existed… that he… didn’t come from anywhere, wasn’t create, always existed…. It hurts to think about haha… He has just always been there and conscious…  

How does that work? Haha, it is the logical truth that makes it all the more mind blowing. Just always existed…  

It’s nuts… and it hurts thinking about it… it is just one of those facts you have to accept about life I suppose…. It would be weird to be God and thinking, I have always been thinking, there was no beginning of thinking… no birthday of consciousness or existing… 

I gatta stop thinking about this… the ultimate non-paradox that will always be completely mind blowing… 

Would you consider the laws of our country a shared religion in a way? Almost as if we have been developing a greater religion a bit. I say that because, our laws guide all of our religions. We say we have freedom of religion, but we all have to follow the laws still. We can’t sacrifice virgins, or claim our religion doesn’t allow us to serve African Americans at our restaurant… 

I just feel like, without realizing it, we may have been making a grand religion in a way, that we all share. Slowly but surely, debating different theologies as we integrate them all together, while applying science…. making for a more fact-based religion. While there are many different religions, I wonder if our current political and law system doesn’t lay the ground work for everybody under a single religion someday… one guided by reason, logic, sharing ideas, etc… things that already make our country great, but could make a religion great as well… everything always up for debate and up for discussion. 

A more democratic religion… which even if we all were the same religion someday, I would still be for separation of church & state… Like to me, if we were all the same religion, I wouldn’t want people over a certain rank in the church to be allowed to run for offices within the government… and the Gov’t should rely on logic and reasoning… not trying to interpret what God may have said about something or some sign from above… I also just think holding too high of a religious position and running for office is a conflict of interest, trying to think of an analogy, maybe like your therapist telling you who to vote for or dating your therapist? The church is for spiritual guidance… 

It would certainly be interesting if we all ever shared the same religion though, we would have to figure out the separation of church & state… I am still for it… I am however, a little bit for bringing theology into schools, not an official stance, but I can’t see why we couldn’t debate and study all religions from a scientific perspective still… I don’t think it hurts for all kids to spend a little time wondering about God and religion though, I think it could help a bit with the delinquency… I did read one time, that the crime rate started to shoot up progressively as we took the bible out of schools, not sure if that was fake news or not… Not saying we need to bring just the bible back, but perhaps some theology to get some deeper thinking about morals and right and wrong, a pursuit of knowledge about existence and things greater than us all… 

I feel like the kids would be ready to study theology… I am just not sure parents are ready for their children to study theology… we would definitely have to figure out a good curriculum. Maybe we should keep it out all-together… but you also have to think about kids from broken homes or neglectful parents, that will never encourage their kids to do some soul-searching thinking about theology and our existence… which many have been known to fall into juvenile delinquency… something to think about anyways… 

This all brings to mind some thoughts of how sometimes 1% of people can dictate the lives of 99% of the people… But that is a story for another day….  Debatable whether it is a bad thing or not, probably positives and negatives… 

Hope you are all having a good weekend! 

Well, I got my core 4 articles done and shipped out to their destination. I put together 5 packages and sent them to newspapers. The core 4 refers to the initial articles I plan to send out while attempting to self-syndicate. I think they are good examples of my writing and will hopefully help establish an audience. I will eventually put the core 4 articles on the website, after someone has printed them, whether an outside newspaper or my college newspaper, I would like to have them in true column format when I post them. One you have already seen, if you have read “A case for God in my Articles section”. 

Of course, this was all greeted with mad looking faces by most everybody I have seen, not to mention when I got in the car to take them to the post office, a song saying you are going to get shot or something like that came on over the radio. Just to screw with me I am sure… schizophrenic I know… Hopefully it is a little bit of a nail in the coffin type situation, it would be really cool if I got picked up by newspapers and this all took off a bit, but I also wonder if this might be a good bartering tool for disability. I feel like what I am doing is within the rules of this initiation/bet, I personally think the articles are newspaper worthy, if not Nobel prize worthy. Plus, I would be working for someone. To me, I feel like if I don’t hear back from anyone, perhaps it is helping to reach a deal for disability. 

I don’t think my enemy likes the idea of me having a successful career that keeps me busy and grants me more of a social life… I am also not so sure that my own side wants me to have this career take off for various reasons… To, me, I think it might make both sides think they are winning, if I just get disability instead, and they can still make it all look like I have extreme and severe schizophrenia, and nothing works out for me….  

I definitely don’t know all the rules of this initiation/bet (about me section), but I may be in a pretty good position with some potential improvements coming to my life. Part of me thinks my enemy is rather desperate at the moment, at times, I feel like they are spending quite a bit of cash to try and make me miserable, especially lately. Perhaps they think their windows of opportunity are closing rapidly. It would be nice to get in a situation where I am feeling good and comfortable and my enemy starts to see their endeavor as hopeless… Especially if a lot of them are getting older… 

I hate talking about my enemy or my situation, they will go to any length within the rules of the initiation/bet to make sure things don’t go the way I plan… especially if I have a plan and talk about it, especially if I mention things like I think they are getting desperate… I think that drives them nuts and angry in dark and deep ways, they don’t want to rest until they wipe the smile off of my face… They are truly evil… this will for sure, really bring out that evil demon inside all of them… 

Hopefully though, I have finally found something that will make me comfortable within the rules and they can’t do anything about it, or have to make a deal for something else that I want… 

I should expect a heavy effort to make me miserable after writing this… I am just getting so use to it all anymore, much of their usual antics just don’t affect me the same way they use too… 

I am asking for it… it is sad I even have to say that, that there are people that evil in the world… but that is part of my learned helplessness, not to poke the devil bear at all… Or suffer the consequences, because unfortunately they have too much power over my life right now… 

Of course, I always think at the end of these things… severe and chronic schizophrenia… does talking about my enemy have to be considered schizophrenic thoughts? This is what I think down to the depths of my soul…